the one with the memories

so, Brendan's grandpa is being evaluated because he has a severe and quickly advancing dementia.  He talked with him on Christmas day and he was fine, and by new years he was in the hospital and didn't know anyone.  it's weird. I feel for the family, having to make tough decisions.  Brendan's grandmother is still fairly lucid but has physical needs and can't be by herself because of them. his mom is staying with her. so they are trying to place them in a facility together, but I know that can be hard with different needs.


I remember writing about my Grammy. I didn't grow up with Brendan's grandparents, but there is a part of me that wants to run to the rescue.  I want to go stay with them and take care of them so they don't have to be separated or in a facility where they don't know anyone and are lonely.  But, even more then it wasn't my responsibly in my grandmother's case, it isn't my place.  Their kids are making the decisions and the choices for them.  but it hurts my heart. 

these wonderful people helped raise my husband and were like his parents when his mom had to work 3 jobs.  particularly his grandfather was his father figure as his father wasn't around.  Brendan is having a hard time.  I offered to have him go out to OKC and visit with out us so he could spend some time with them (having our whole family go could turn into quite a production).  but he struggles.  he wants to remember them the way they were.  he doesn't want to see them in this weak and vulnerable state. believe me, I get that...but that has to make them feel lonely and sad, like they aren't valuable anymore.

I wish things were like in the old days, where family took care of their elders.  and if certain family couldn't, others could.  like how I wanted to help my parents, but they felt it was their burden to carry and how Brendan's mom and her siblings can't care for them, for various reasons, but I could...I know I am romanticizing the whole thing I am sure, it's work taking care of people who are grown but need constant help like small children.  I just wish it was more the norm instead of looking to strangers and institutions.

the one with the goals...

so, I didn't lose a hundred pounds last year. but I did lose and consistently keep off about 15lbs.  that's a start, right?  I mean, the fact that I really lost that weight in the first 3 months of the year and then ended the year at about that same place, means I must be doing something a little right.  I do wish it was more, but honestly, I didn't do much after those first 3 months to really lose weight.  so, I am back at it again, starting with a fresh attitude of changing some things to create better habits.  I have had some good habits this year, and some I need to work on.  snacking is huge right now, coming off Christmas and family, we were always eating.  I didn't weigh myself today, I forgot when I got up and of course have eaten.  I will weigh tomorrow and then try to keep it to Mondays.  


my plan is to go back to the green smoothies for breakfast and then include lots of fruits and veggies if I feel snacky instead of  chocolate and cookies and such that I have been snacking on the last month.  I still cook well, with good quality fats and grass fed meats and we get fresh milk and eggs.  I have some saved veggies and apples from the farm and am trying to come up with good meals made from those.  so that is good, just less junky snacks that have taken over my life the last month would be great.

I also want to work in some exercise.  I haven't officially decided, but I am thinking I will ride my stationary bike for at least one 10 min period per day or I just read about this walking challenge. that sounds doable. and I agree with her reasoning...I need to take more care to care for myself.  I am not being selfish, but my health affects the rest of the family.  I also would like to get back to the Biggest Loser video I was doing at the beginning of last year, maybe 3 times a week.

so, also, I may list out my menu plan or I might post what I did eat, not sure yet.  today I had a green smoothie for breakfast with peaches, strawberries, yogurt, milk, spinach and a touch of honey.  but then I was cleaning out the fridge and came across some things left from last week that I had forgotten about and I ate some, mainly a sweet bread and so good!  then I had some chocolate left in my stocking and I figured I should get rid of that before I get started buckling down.  I ended up having lunch of tortilla with a little butter and cheese on it.

so far today hasn't gone so well, that's why I decided I needed to come here and post something about the goals so I have something to look at to keep me accountable.  tonight I am making butternut squash soup with some garlic bread.  not too bad if I go easy on the bread :)

tomorrow is smoothie for breakfast, similar to today.  lunch is going to be homemade chicken nuggets and carrots. dinner is probably going to be steak with beets and corn.

in other goals...we started back to our lessons today.  mainly basics as I re evaluate where everyone is and what needs to happen next.  we did a laid back study of the orchestra and a short history of several composers in Dec instead of our regular core subjects.  I still want to finish that this month since there is more in depth on each instrument that we didn't get to.  I also plan to do some study of artists this semester and maybe over the whole year.  Oh and I signed us up to participate in this Amazon study. since we have been studying geography I thought this would be a great way to start off the new year.

well, just some of the goals I have been mulling over.  there may be more to mention soon, but that gets me started.

Christmas busyness

I love this time of year so much but this year the one thing missing is the snow!  we have had only one snow with any accumulation and our temperatures have been so high!  We are still busy though.  Megan just had her dance recital tonight.  It was beautiful!  She did wonderful and was so pretty!  And I love watching all the other dancers as well.  The whole program is just great!

I still have shopping to do and projects to finish.  but I have been sick for 2 weeks and finally starting to feel better though not 100% yet.  I just want to be back to normal so I can get things ready for Brendan's family to come in just over a week!  Mine will be here for the weekend, so I have some things to get ready before then too .


well, guess bedtime is calling and here is to feeling better and getting more done!

the one with the coffee and voting

I don't know if I have mentioned what an addiction I have to Starbucks pumpkin spice frappuccinos, but it is a major addiction!  I just have to have them, everyday~though I don't have them every day, but I want to.  I do have them several times a week.  I know they are bad, really bad.  Expensive and high in calories and not to mention the ingredients that I have been fighting to remove from my diet for more then a year.  but I have given myself permission as a treat, since the rest of my diet is pretty clean.  but I go overboard, I know it.

I have been trying to come up with different replacements and restrictions.  I am letting myself have one on every other Friday (which is pay day) and then I have been trying to drink more hot spiced cider to get some of the same flavor that I crave.  I use organic apple cider and mulling spices.  and I love the flavor.  it has been hard though since our weather has been so hot!

this morning I made coffee for my husband before work and I decided to experiment... I had some cream off our milk and I added a spoonful of pumpkin puree and then a sprinkle of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  I added that to my coffee and some cane sugar...I was fabulous!!!!  oh man, I am making up a bigger amount and keeping it in the fridge for the future, this will save me hundreds of dollars and probably a few calories as well!

also, a reminder...VOTE!!  I did! I took the kids and explained the process (counts as civics ya know) it was an interesting time, the process was different this time, the voting machines were different.  But I hope they learned something and know how important it is.  I am hoping and praying for good outcomes :)

the one with all the candy

so, I am usually very conscience of what we eat around here.  but that is hard to do on Halloween.  So, I have let the kids have some freedom to eat some candy.  They have made good choices and I am glad.  I put a bowl out and said anything you don't want goes in there, and they actually put stuff in!  and they continue to do it.  sometimes trading but still putting stuff they don't want or won't eat in there.  I told them today was the last day and it will go away.

My husband said someone at work yesterday told him they have a "halloween witch" that comes a few days after halloween.  the kids pick 5 favorites and they set the rest on the porch and in the morning the "halloween witch" has replaced the candy with a toy!  I think that is brilliant!  I have tried to pay my kids for the candy, but I guess they are spoiled enough (and deprived enough of junk food) that the candy is more valuable. LOL  My husband and I don't like the witch idea, but we are thinking of calling in the "harvest fairy" with a similar job description.

I am getting over the few days of poor nutrition provided by all that candy, but it's the tooth decay I am worried about. we have bad enough teeth around here anyway!  hopefully I can convince them to be done today.  I was even a little sick yesterday after indulging in a few treats from the throw away bowl.  I finally threw it away this morning, the temptation was too great.

well, all in all a good fun time and now we are in NOVEMBER!  wow time sure flies!

the one where I almost burn down our house

so, last night while I was writing that very depressing post, I had flicked on my crock pot which had a jar of yogurt warming in it, with plans to write a post, switch laundry and then turn it off.  it needed to be on just long enough to get warm so it could stay warm all night.  I had the jar wrapped in towels, and then in the crock pot then the pot was wrapped in a big towel, and I had a thermometer stuck in next to the jar and sticking out enough for me to see through the lid, so I could semi regulate the temp.


well, I put in some diapers to do a rinse cycle then I sat down to write that post (talk about being fortuitous, you know, about how I fail!) anyway, I then went and started the diapers on a soak, and then went to bed.

about 3am my husband woke me up and said he smelled something...we ran to the kitchen to fine the crock pot bubbling away and smoking!  he took the outer towel off and the handles of the pot were melted! Bren took the lid off and smoke poured out so he put it back.  in the jar you could see the milk boiling!  we were afraid that the jar and or the crock would crack or even explode.  the jar was capped so that was really our biggest fear.  of course we turned the thing off and then I sat up to make sure nothing was on fire. 

after it seemed the disaster was averted, I went to bed.  this morning it is all cool so I took the towels out and they are burnt.  the milk in the jar has separated and the solids are brown! yuck!

I could learn a lesson, but in the vein of my last post, I am going to mope and just commit never to use an appliance again!

supermom...NOT!

I feel like a failure!  I have so many ideals, in so many areas...and I am not even coming close to achieving any of it.  I guess some might say my expectations are too high.  well, I am not happy with mediocrity and  I don't want to just do what everyone else does.  Jesus said we are to be set apart from the world...right?

I have this idea of what a wife and mother is supposed to do.  and that idea is kind of a new revelation that I have gotten from trying to find out what God's plan for me is. but I fall so short of what I think He wants and I don't know how to fit into that mold.  not only that, but I am trying to model it for my daughters and, again, I fall short.  and though this is sounding very self pitying and depressing right now, I am not trying to be very "poor me" about the whole thing.  I am really trying to figure out what to do.

I want to be a good wife, a help meet. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife who rises early and stays up late, who makes good decisions and manages her household well.  But I have very little energy and though I feel like my motivation is there, because I do want to be that good, it must not be since I can't find the energy to get off the couch and clean or cook or all the millions of other tasks that need done.

Oh I do cook, and sometimes well.  but not all the time.  and I do clean up, when we are having company. but not consistently.  that is the problem.  I can do it for a little while, but not consistently.

I read my bible or do a devotions or study, for a while...then I lose it.  and the kids get Bible teaching and family devotions, sometimes.  but that is so not the example I want to set.  I want to raise my kids to love God and obey him and know in their hearts it is right!  so why can't I?

And I wanted more kids, it is an ache on my heart.  I would love a baby again. I would also love to adopt.  but neither is an option because my husband says no.  I wish he had the same philosophy I do, to let God decide.  I feel like he is wrong to not let God have control.  he sees it as being a good steward by not having more.  But I know he also doesn't think I can handle it.  I think, if I were a better house keeper and better at not losing my temper with the kids, maybe he would change his mind.

I want to be a godly wife, and obey my husband, but it makes me feel like I get no say in anything, and that what I think doesn't matter.  and I feel guilty for thinking this way.  is this just my sinful human nature?

well, mostly this is written to get my feelings out.  to have a place to express it where I won't be judged for how I feel.  I don't feel like I can talk to him about most of the things that I want,  he just doesn't understand me. 

I love him, and he loves me, and he is a good provider...I just wish we saw eye to eye on some stuff. and I wish I could be better, so he would be proud of me.

HAPPY FALL!!!

Oh I am so excited it is finally fall.  this is my favorite time of year!  I love the pumpkin spice frappuccinos at Starbucks, I love pumpkin bread and soup and cool weather and colors on the trees and in my yard.  An there is the snow...the first snow of the year is so magical.

I am such a little kid when it comes to this time of year.  Between now and Christmas I am perfectly giddy!

We haven't been doing much formal learning around here lately.  Bren is working the swing shift (2-10pm) and so our schedule is a bit off.  We get up and hang out with dad for a while.  I do any errands that need to be done with none or some of the kids, or else Bren does some business he can't usually do after work on rental houses, or some project around our house.  Then the kids play more with dad and I make lunch or clean something.  Dad heads to work after lunch and we read some books or do a computer game (educational of course).  There is some book work, but not much :)  and then some outside play, dinner and a movie before bed.  And bed is a hard adjustment.  I am not used to doing it alone. 

So tomorrow will make it two weeks we have been on this schedule.  And there is one week to go.  Then he should get back to normal hours and we can get back into our normal routine.  It has been interesting, and we are managing fine (better then if he was on the midnight shift) but still, I don't care for it and want normal hours back.  Luckily he get the weekend off, last weekend he had to work Sunday.

Anyway, we are reading The Bronze Bow, doing art projects, decorating for fall, doing an online drawing class, baking cookies and muffins.  then there is math, which I am trying to do with some "living" books and games, and they are reading some nature readers, some books on the senses, we read about China and planets.  I guess things are progressing along.  I think it is good to write this stuff out because when you are taking the life learning approach, it is easy to think you aren't doing any "school work".

well, that's all for now, but again I say HAPPY FALL!!