weekly challenge #9

So, I am still plugging along, trying desperately to be motivated to exercise.  But I am still moving forward toward health (I am especially excited about this course) and haven't given up so woohoo!

This week Kris is challenging us to get more sleep and add a fruit or veggie at every meal.  Well, first, I have a nursing toddler and she does nurse at night.  I try not to stay up past 10pm most nights, but sometimes if hubby and I want some extra alone time we will watch a movie til late.  But, I am awake a lot during the night while I nurse.  I am a big fan of letting kids wean themselves in their own time, so I won't stop this.  I will say that it is getting better, she is sleeping longer these days (though usually still in our bed) but it does affect my sleep.  I am sure that I could feel better if I was more consistently getting full nights sleep.  But for now this will have to do.

I have been drinking green smoothies some mornings, not every morning, to get some extra veggies and fruits in my days.  They are so good and I just made this heavenly one (I used milk instead of rice milk, and honey instead of agave) this morning.... it was that kind of morning :) the kids love this one and I didn't make enough...I may need to make more later :)

I am not a huge fan of salads, though I do eat them.  I had wanted to do a salad for lunch every day when I started this but it hasn't been working.  I was too hungry too soon after.  I won't eat commercially marketed salad dressings as they are too high in artificial things I can't even pronounce.  I need to learn to make my own but the things I have tried haven't turned out so well.  So salads end up being tasteless and boring.

The kids and I do enjoy orange, yellow and red bell peppers.  I can't find them organic this time of year around here, but I do buy some non organic since it's one of the only things we buy non organic ( along with the clementines I like to snack on).  I try to have a frozen veggie my kids like at dinner every night.  I can't wait til summer and farmers markets and our garden ....  but for now we work in what we can.

Fruit is easier because it is sweet.  This time of year we eat a lot of clementines and apples.  I use a lot of frozen fruit in those smoothies I mentioned and if there is a sale on grapes like we had last week we stock up (though they were still gone in a few days) but is was a nice treat in this boring time of the food year.

So... good things happening in our food life.

being a grown up

Being a grown up is hard.  Sometimes, many times, you have to make hard decisions.  You have to deal with things that you'd rather not.  I don't like being a grown up.  Why is it that kids spend so much time trying to be more grown up.  They don't know how good they've got it.  I was like that.  I couldn't wait to grow up and have babies.  They have been a blessing.  But sometimes I have had to make hard decisions, and it is then that I wish I hadn't grown up so fast.  Like when I had to hand my 6 week old baby over to have surgery that I didn't think she'd come out of.  Or when I pushed my son into a preschool classroom and had to stand on the other side and hold it closed to keep him in.  And now, my 5 year old son is going to be evaluated by a speech therapist.  I have known for a long time he needed it.  I was trying to deny it.  I have worked hard to try to help him overcome his speech issues with out outside help.

But it's time to be a grown up.

I don't know why it is so hard for me.  I think part of it is that I don't want him to be stigmatized as different.  He already is by the fact that he can't be understood by anyone outside of our family (and sometimes not even by us).  But I don't want to admit there is a problem I guess.  I know he is so smart, the things he comes up with... but he can't get it all out.  His communication is lacking.  He is so brilliant and funny and brave and kind hearted... I don't want to admit to his fault.  I haven't wanted him to feel out of place by having to go and be tested and have people talk about his "disability"  but as it stands, he has no friends because they can't understand him, and I can see it hurts his feelings.

So finally I have realized it is time to take further intervention.  In 2 weeks he sees the speech therapist.  I am nervous, for me and for him.  He is shy around others (probably because of his impediment) and I worry he won't cooperate.  I worry that treatment will be long and complicated and he will feel bad about himself, or that it won't be fixable... I know I need to wait and see.  I can't jump to every possible conclusion... I need to relax and take it as we go.  I know if I trust God I will be able to get through and do the right thing.

I guess that is another part of the problem... I wonder if I am making the right decision.  My daughter came out of surgery and recovered and is a healthy 10 year old...I made the right decision.  My son hated school and didn't want to go and life was miserable for all of us... the wrong decision (though I took him out a few weeks later and was so glad to have him back home where he belonged...the right decision)  I don't know how this will turn out.  I hope it will be the right decision, I hope it wasn't the wrong decision to wait this long.  I only want what's best for my kids.

And sometimes I want to curl up in my mommy's lap and not have to be responsible for these other lives.


     

weigh in, random stuff, and gratitude

well, I lost a pound this week.  yay!  I am now finally down .6 lbs from my original loss (because I gained a bit back).  down to 279.4.  So, I definitely know I need to exercise.  I am just not making that a priority.  I have done little things to improve my daily  movement, which is good, but if I am going to really lose a big amount of weight, I am going to have to exercise.  I feel like I have some valid reasons why it isn't being worked in, but they are just excuses and if I really wanted to make it work, I would. 

So I am going to do the Biggest Loser cardio max 2-3 days a week and then ride our bike the other days, taking only Sundays off.   See Kris for more weigh ins.

Oh and I am totally excited to be taking that ecourse I mentioned!  I can't wait to learn about all the great natural, traditional ways to prepare food to make it more healthy and nutritious.  I am working my budget to try and incorporate raw milk but I may not be able to quite yet.  I am going to get a farm share of fruit and we are going to grow our own garden of veggies, I am going to get pastured eggs from a farm as well.  I will blog a bit about that as I go.  The course started this week and just talks about the basic definitions of natural and organic (according to the industry and according to God).

We are wrapping up our Revolutionary war unit this week and the kids are presenting a president report on Friday at our co-op.  Then we will get into Lewis and Clark and the westward expansion of our country.

Oh and I made a sour dough starter this last week, from scratch!  I made pancakes with it yesterday and they were great.  I am making the bread today so I will let ya know how it comes out.  I hear this is an art and it may not turn out the first time.

I haven't been blogging much on my spiritual journey as I had hoped.  I had said at the beginning of the year one of my resolutions was to become closer to my Creator.  I have been consumed with reading books, books about joy and God's love.  I have loved them and have been feeling more joy in my life then I have in a long time.  It is still mixed with days that I feel defeated.  I think that satan wants to make me feel like that so I can't press on.  But I am continuing to look up and know that God loves me even when I don't love myself.  I still want to be better at doing my devotions.  I don't spend enough time with God alone.  But I am trusting him with some life situations and he is teaching me some things.  And I am so grateful for that.

challenge week 8

Wow, I have been on a roller coaster the last few weeks and have felt like I am going nowhere but back to where I started.  But the fact is that I haven't gained back all the weight I lost (even though it wasn't much) and so I keep looking forward at what I can do next to make habit changes. 

This week Kris issued the challenge of how to handle cravings. I don't think I have handled them too well in the last few weeks, but I have done better then ever before so that is a plus.  First, I don't deprive myself.  I have found that if I say "No chocolate" then the first thing I want is chocolate!  So I do have some.  I keep my favorite chocolate around but only have one or two squares and keeping it cold helps because it takes longer to eat, allowing for the feeling of indulging.  I also discovered this smoothie and it is fabulous!!  I use honey instead of agave but it really feels indulgent and I am getting all those great vitamins and nutrients and way less calories then lets say a Reece's pb cup.  So that is working for me.  I have a cookie if I have made the kids some (I may even have two) but I am not getting carried away, because I don't feel deprived.

The second thing in the challenge is doing strength training along with he cardio.  I totally believe in this but haven't even found a way to work in exercise every day so I will keep it in mind as I get better at that.

Thanks for all the encouragement and great tips everyone!

perseverance

So over at Eclipsed, Kris asks every week if we have had a non scale victory (NSV).  If you look back, I have been having some rough weeks.  But I am sticking with it and still trying to actively reduce my portion sizes and put some more  movement into my day.  I think this week has been an improvement and I am feeling good about it even if it isn't going as fast or easy as I would like.  Because over all health is the ultimate goal, with the weightloss being the perk.  So, as long as I am changing habits, I am good.

I have chosen fruit this week, instead of cookies.  I have also had cookies, but not the whole batch.  I have gone up and down the stairs to do laundry instead of asking kids or husband to haul it for me.  I have parked in the back of lots and walked to the store (my kids hate that).  And I am working in more veggies.

I am pressing on.  And that is victory.

phew!

When I woke up this morning I decided that if I didn't weigh myself today, that I was essentially giving up.  And I don't want to give up.  I always give up.  I want to make this work even if it takes a long time and is really hard. Even if I have set backs.  I want to change the way I live. And so I got up and went to the scale.

And ya know what?  280.4  A pound down from last week.  And with me feeling like I didn't work very hard at it this week, that is great!  Of course I know if I worked even a little harder it would be more.  I don't have to kill myself working out or deprive myself, I need to get that through my thick skull!! 

And so I will keep on going, working in more movement and more veggies, and keeping a good attitude towards this process, that is my goal this week.

see how well Kris did!

humbug

I haven't been exercising and can't seem to find the motivation.  I am grumpy and my toddler won't let me have 10 seconds to type here so I will just say that I didn't make it to buy the pedometer I was going to last week to complete the challenge from last week.

This week challenge one is not really something I can do.  I mean, my goal food wise is for more natural foods, in their raw state as much as possible. But my emphasis isn't really on protein and good carbs.  I don't necessarily believe that that approach is the best.  My focus is on veggies, fruits and again, whole foods.  I do eat meat, but not tons.  My protein comes a lot from beans and some cheese, eggs and yogurt.  I am playing with the idea of going raw for my milk, I just need to find the best way to work it into my budget.  So maybe I will just challenge myself to up my veggies this week.

I already have lots of scripture posted around my house so I will think about what I can add to motivate me to exercise.

I may skip weigh in tomorrow and eat some truffles at the rate I am going.  I need some kind of real kick in the pants to get me moving. I am not sure what it is but I was so gung ho a few weeks ago and like always I have fizzled out.  I need to pray more and worry less. and here comes the toddler so I gotta go...

Food

Hmmm, where to start?  well, I have a certain philosophy about things that is not really mainstream, hence the blog name.  Well, the crux of that philosophy is the word natural.  I have an evolving definition of what natural is.  At first it meant just organic veggies and dairy, then it was grass fed meats and cloth diapers, then it was vinegar to clean with and ridding us of chemical laden skin care etc.  I have dabbled in trying to get more items of food locally.  We even moved to 39 acres in an attempt to try to live more naturally.  (It was a terrible place that we chose and moved promptly back to the city).

But I continue to want to learn more.  I really want to live in the way God intended.  Naturally.  That means no birth control, no hydrogenated oils or corn syrup, and I have been getting better.  We aren't perfect, and I have mentioned my addiction to fast food.  Well, I believe 100% that the reason for the addiction has nothing to do with the foods themselves but the process, chemicals, preservatives and altered things added as well as things subtracted...the nutrition!  All in the name of "progress".

Anyway, I have been developing a sense of despair about being able to really live naturally.  I mean, come on, I don't know where to get raw milk (since it is illegal) and I can go to a farmers market in the summer but where do I get my veggies today?  I want to do these things but they take so much work, and money.  I feel sometimes like I can't do it, and so we fall back into old habits and buying fake foods.

I believe every American needs to watch this film. I cry, really.  I am so saddened by our countrys treatment of people (not to mention the animals).  And like they said...we vote 3 times a day (probably most of us more).  I want to be different so that our future and my kids' future is different.

It is interesting as I was hearing about the first Lady and her campaign to end obesity especially in children.  The answer is in this film.  EAT REAL FOOD!  The epidemic is being caused by the fake stuff they pass off as food.  It is addicting and it is dangerous.

I found this blog and I am late in coming but I have heard of Nourishing Traditions before and am now ready to start, but...it is overwhelming to know where to start.  But I am going to try to catch up and see if I can double up on some of the challenges from this week and last.  I am also considering taking this course.  We will see how I do in the next week or so.  But the philosophy expressed there is exactly how I feel and want to be.

SO, I am excited to really live well and locally and learn traditional cooking so that my family and hopefully future generations will be healthier and remember these dying art forms. And I can only imagine what it will do for my waist line :)

It's dark under here

SO I guess this week while Holly is back on the wagon...I fell off.  Maybe only so many people are allowed to be on the wagon at a time.  There is only so much room?  Does anyone know if that is the case?  Hmmm, well, in any case, I think that everything went out the window.  Exercise, eating well, my attitude....all fell down there under the wheels, where it is muddy and mucky. I think it may have something to do with a cute little neighbor girl who delivered some famous cookies to my door.  Now, I will admit that it was me who bought and paid for said cookies two weeks ago, but I will now continue to blame her until they are all gone, (which at the rate I am going won't be long).

 Or maybe it is because I spent the weekend at my parents' house.  They eat things like J I F peanut butter on white bread and the "syrup" in a bottle shaped like a cabin.  And my mom makes frosting for a birthday cake out of shortening!  uggg!  I keep trying to gently explain to them the dangers of these foods but they like them and so they continue. (and they wonder why they are always sick) They buy tons of precessed foods and it drives me nuts!  My kids love it because they have pop tarts and honey nut o cereal and juice.  I grew up like that.  That may explain a lot!  Anyway...

I gained 1.4 lbs this week.  I was hoping to skip over that and maybe no one would notice I didn't post a weight this week.  but I need to be accountable for this to work so I am being honest with you and myself. But...

I am going to pick it all back up, shake it off and try to climb back up on the wagon.  And its hard, because it's still moving,.  Life is still moving forward and I don't want to wait too long here in the muck or else it will pass me by, and I don't want to get another hundred pounds over weight before the next wagon comes along.

SOOOO....to that end, I am going to accept this challenge (#2) and  I will aim for 6-8,000 steps because I think 10,000 on my first attempt to get moving might set me up for failure.  But, as she mentions, purposefully adding more movement of any kind is a step in the right direction.  I will say that I am not counting calories, though I do try to work in snacks evenly and they are healthy (usually).  I really like those little cutie oranges as well as a handful of nuts. 

I lift my morning smoothie...here's to a fresh start this week....back on the wagon.

ummm, what?

Oh my goodness!  I can't believe it!!  I just weighed in and I have lost 1.4 lbs this week!!!  I mentioned yesterday that I had a terrible week and I figured I would have gained.  So, I am wondering if somehow my scale is broken or what am I doing right????  So that puts me at an even 280 today.  With a weightloss of 7 lbs in a month (I think I have officially been at this for 4 weeks).  Not the 10lbs I was hoping for but with the slacking I did last week and how slow I feel I am getting motivated, I'd say it's pretty good. 

I also wanted to update on the weekly challenge from last week...I didn't do great this last week.  I ate out once at the Bell.  I didn't check calories at all but I also didn't over eat.  And other then the online supporters, I don't have anyone on this journey with me in real life.  My hubby is a great cheerleader though :)

This week's challenge is to change up my exercise.  Well, I for sure need to make sure TO exercise LOL.  I have been doing The Biggest Loser Cardio Max about every other day.  I just got our stationary bike out and so I am going to mix in that this week.  I haven't been able to go swimming yet because I have small children who can't be left alone and I don't do public childcare.  So, that will have to wait until hubby can be home a few evenings at a predictable time so I can go do a water aerobics class.

And as for the breakfasts...well, I already really like the smoothies I have been doing ( great ideas here).  But I also really like fresh fruit mixed with plain yogurt and drizzled with the tiniest bit of honey.  I will work on eating these this week and snacking better so I keep up this loss. 

My goal for the next month is going to be 10 lbs!  Wish me luck :)

Odds and Ends

I am just going to come out and say it...this week sucked!  I just was feeling icky.  Nothing in particular, just blah.  I didn't exercise every day, I didn't eat well at all, and I have been pretty cranky.  I just know I have gained back some weight and I am totally afraid to look.  I don't officially weigh until Tuesday so I have a day to pull it together and see if I can reverse the damage.  If I am lucky maybe I will at least maintain.

I need to get back to having smoothies for breakfast.  I just feel like I am hungry within an hour of drinking it so I get discouraged.  I know I need to just have an orange or some nuts to get me through, or more smoothie.  It is way better then cookies or candy.  But I just had an off week.  I know it will happen, but it's early in this process, I expected to make it a bit farther.

Also, we are in the thick of the Revolution around here, I will try to take pictures and post a few this week.  We are reading Johnny Tremain to go along with our study.

Oh, and I can't leave out the fact that LOST is back this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will have more to say about that later.

So, hopefully this will be a good week all the way around.

Resistance

So, my efforts to homeschool have been met with resistance lately.  I am a bit frustrated with that.  My kids have decided that they want to whine and fight me at every turn.  I just got back from that great conference and though the main topic was finding joy in Christ, the underlying topics were about raising kids to see the joy of Christ by modeling it and of course by modeling grace and compassion and I totally feel guilty now for making anyone do anything they don't want to or for punishing any form of resistance because would that be showing the grace and mercy that Christ shows us when we resist his teachings?

I want to show my kids the same mercies God shows me.  But I am not sure what that looks like.  I know He doesn't want me to just let everything get crazy around here with no respect for others.  So we talk about that and we make the kids apologize when they are mean and things, but when it comes to school, they resist.  And it is constant.  You would think after 5 and a half years we would know that this is how it is, but still no.  There is argument.  Especially from my 12 year old.  He starts it.  He thinks he doesn't have to do anything.  And many people will probably tell me to let up, change it up a bit.  Well, believe me, I do.  When he seems bored with worksheets I grab a computer game, when he gets bored with that we use board games or story books, we use all sorts of different methods and still he refuses.  I know it is a character issue.  He even refused to do a bible study my husband wanted to do with just the two of them.

How do we rein this back in after apparently failing to train him to do these things up to this point?  I mean, I never think I do a good job and of course think I have many failures but I thought we were doing a fine job of this character training.

I don't want a robot, but I also want respect.  And I want my son to love to learn and he just pouts, does bare minimum and fights me all the way. (and, to be honest, my husband just yells at him and commands him to respect and obey his mom. well, it's not working and I don't think that is the right approach.)

this is just a rant.  I have heard it all from my support group moms, but if anyone has a fresh idea, I'd love to hear it....especially if you've had a difficult 12 year old :)

weigh in

well, I lost 1.4 lbs this week.  I had of course hoped for more since I started working out this week, but since I didn't eat the best while away this weekend, I can see how I might not have lost much.  I am just happy I lost something.  So, I am continuing with the working out with the Biggest Losers Cardio max and eating smoothies for breakfast.  My salads for lunch haven't been working out because with in an hour of them I was so hungry I wanted to eat everything in site.  so I am still trying to com up with heathy lunch options or ideas on how to make the salad heartier but still healthy.  And I have been doing well on dinners which is somhow easier.  I think it is because I don't like to cook much at lunch time.  I want something fast and easy because we are homeschooling and the little one naps and I just feel like I don't want to cook a big meal and then again for dinner.

Anyway, unless I really ramp it up in the food restriction and excersize this week I probably won't make my goal of 10 lbs this month.  I have 4.4 lbs to go and I haven't lost that much in one week yet.  But I will keep plugging away and we will see what happens.

Go to Eclipsed for more weigh ins

things that make me go hmmm...

WOW I went to this conference this weekend and had an amazing time.  I learned so much and just love the time to refresh and refocus.  I have more I want to express about that later.  There are so many ideas and things in my head that I need some time to think through and get everything in line.

But I didn't eat very well while on my little retreat.  I mean, I didn't pig out or anything, we just ate out a couple times and I tried to make good choices, but I gave in and got fries once.  I did stop when I was full which was good.  But the choices weren't always the best.  Anyway, we will see.  I am back to it today and had a smoothie for breakfast.  An hour later I am feeling a bit hungry.  I need to go right now and do my workout because if I don't it will get pushed back and I know myself well enough to know it will end up undone.

 So, for this weeks challenge... well, I have found this great lady and we are kind of following each other for some encouragement and then there is a friend in real life I have been trying to get to join me, but she is hesitating because she wants a PLAN.  SO, while I work on her I will have to rely on you bloggers for support.  And I have done some eating out and not always making the healthier choice so this week I will plan on finding the healthiest choice as Kris suggests.  Of course I am also continuing to just loosely write down my eating to keep myself accountable and I am working out and hope to add a day or two of swimming this week.

Revolution!

So we have been working our way through American History with Homeschool in the Woods Time Travellers series.  It is a great program and we have loved it.  There are lots of projects and we can choose what fits our schedule as well as interest.  Starting Monday we began the American Revolution.  I love the Colonial period which we just finished. (and which technically isn't over since the revolution happened during that time, it is just broken up for ease) My twelve year old wasn't too interested in quilting bees, samplers and how they cooked the christmas goose.  But boy, my 9 year old daughter and I have had a blast!  She is still working on her sampler, maybe I will take a picture and post it this week. 

Anyway, I think Jordan will love what's coming because it is about WAR!  And what self respecting twelve year old boy doesn't like war?  We will discuss weapons and strategy, battles, strengths, weaknesses...makes ya feel like grunting and rolling in the mud doesn't it?  Well, I hope we learn a lot in the next few weeks.  Along with the history we have our regular "core" studies such as math, handwriting and language arts.  I am going to try something new for our bible studies.  I really slack in this area.  I mean, we pray, talk about bible stories and I do a lot of reading of bible stories from different kid bibles.  My favorite is The Jesus storybook bible.  So I got these individual studies for  boys and girls from here.  I'll be honest, I got them a while back but my kids don't really get this kind of thing.  I don't know how to impart to them that a lot of it is your opinion and how God is speaking to you and there isn't always a right answer.  My son Jordan really has a problem with this.  But we will work through it. 

I do feel like I slack in the christian ed portion of my schooling, and that is a huge reason we homeschool.  But somehow, just using biblical examples in math and copying scripture for handwriting isn't quite enough.  I am wondering... what do you use? and what have you loved?

weekly weigh in

So, I bought a new scale a couple of weeks ago when I decided to get serious about this.  I had an old one with the spinning dial and it said it went up to 300 lbs but I will tell you, it never weighed me properly.  My husband claimed it was fine for him (but upon using the new one he was shocked to have gained 20 lbs in 5 mins) So I am under the impression that being brand new, this scale is correct.  Am I wrong?  I mean, I will weigh myself one day and get totally different numbers.  I know weight can fluctuate in a day, even over several days but as of yesterday I was holding steady on my weight and today I show loss.  Today is my official weigh in day so I of course am glad the number is lower today, but I am a bit nervous that maybe my scale is not really correct.  I am going to just go with it for now (since it's going down hehe).  Today I show 282.8 so that is 2.2lbs lost this week.  I am hoping that the addition of actually working out this week will give me a big number next week. 

I had been over here and noticed she has broken down her weighloss into smaller chunks each month and put them on her sidebar.  What a great idea!!!  I look at 100lbs and think there is no way I can do that.  but if I look at 8 lbs this month, well that certainly is doable.  WOW!  That has changed my life, seriously!  I was already struggling with the enormity and the fear of failure that I was not really giving this my all.  I was already falling because who wants to start climbing a mountain when they can't even see the top?  But now, I just need to make it up this small incline.  I should know this stuff but sometimes I just get in my way.

So, I am going to take this simple idea and run with it.  I am making smaller goals so I can make it through.  The first is that I have already lost 4.2 lbs this month and would like to lose 10 total this month. I am almost halfway there!

See Eclipsed for more weigh ins.

menu

I don't think I am doing anything profound or fancy but since I like to know what others are eating (especially while losing weight) I figured I would post about my meals.

Mon-Tonight we are having some salmon.  My parents went to Alaska and caught these themselves and we have had a bunch in our freezer.  I don't love it.  But I can tolerate it.  Maybe I need a good recipe hehe.  And with that I am serving some brown rice.  I make the rice by sauteing the dry rice with some olive oil, onion and garlic, oh and celery if I have it.  then I put it in a pot with the right amount of veggie stock and simmer for 30 mins or more til tender.  And I will probably make frozen peas cause my kids love them (an I will be lucky to get anyone to eat the salmon)

Tues- We will have hamburgers made with the beef from a quarter steer we bought last year.  We know where it cam from and what it was fed and how it died.  I love that! With this I will make some big chunky fries (which I will only have a couple of) by cutting some yukon gold potatoes into 8ths and sticking them in a bag with some olive oil and Mrs Dash.  shake it up and lay out on a cookie sheet or 9x13 pan.  bake for 30-45 mins.  I have some corn on the cob from last summers farmers market that will be added as well.

Wed- BLT's on homemade bread with all natural bacon made without nitrates and nitrites.  we will have some carrot and orange bell pepper spears and maybe a fruit salad

Thurs- I will make a crustless quiche.  I start by sauteing olive oil, onion, garlic, til tender then add a few chopped mushrooms.  when they are soft I add a couple of big handfuls of spinach.  cook til it wilts then put that in a pie dish.  I sprinkle that with some feta cheese and then whisk 5 eggs with a dash of milk pour over the cheese and bake.  I think it's 350 for 45 mins. then I will whip up some home made biscuits (for the kids and hubby).

Fri- I will be gone for dinner (at a conference for Christian mothers) but will thaw some homemade chili I had left last week.(I cooked the beans and everything!) for the family. Not sure what I will be eating while at the conference.  I probably won't be great but I will try to have portion control and pick wisely what to eat.

I will post more here about other menus as I go.  I like to make my own homemade refried beans and we do eat a lot of beans around here :)  They use butter and are very good and easy.  And I make bread once or twice a week.  I need to cut back on the amount I eat, but it is whole wheat and I know all the ingredients so I know my family is getting good things to eat.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I will be planning on making smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch (though I was starving not long after today's so we will see what I can do to help ramp it up tomorrow).  I would love to know what kinds of things others are eating on this quest for health and weightloss...

well, screaming toddler at my feet means time to go make dinner

weekly challenge

I did ok on recording my food last week, but with a couple sick days for me and everyone else, I kind of lost a couple of days.  I got back to writing it down but sadly we didn't eat well this week.  Mostly it was a fend for yourself, eat whatever you can keep down kind of week and so it was hard.  I snacked, and ate things I shouldn't, and didn't pay much attention to my eating.

SO, this week I am determined to make this happen!  I still am focusing on whole, natural foods.  I am going to make myself smoothies for breakfast M-F.  The kids will either eat smoothies with me or homemade granola.  I plan to have a salad for lunch.  Kids will get their normal stuff (sandwiches, burritos, carrots, apples).  Dinners I will make for the family with whole foods and natural ingredients ( I can post a menu later if anyone cares).  Snacks will be raw nuts, fruits and veggies.  Again, making sure to control portions will be a big focus, as well as snacking on the good foods (there are no more Christmas cookies, Carmel corn, or treats of any kind in this house) the closest we come is some trail mix which has some chocolate in it.  But I am considering that an ok snack because I will crave the chocolate if I don't get it and I hope this helps keep me from devouring a pan of brownies or something :)

For this weeks challenge I am definitely starting a workout time every morning (M-F) I was going to start with 15 mins and work my way up but since Kris asked for 30, I will start there.  I have an old workout video with some bands that I am going to do.  I may try to find The Biggest Loser jumpstart video if I am out.

I have already started to blog my journey and am starting to touch on some of my "issues".  I will continue to do that.

I plan on this week being a great week and I plan on having a big number to report at the end of it!

CONFESSION

I have been wanting to write this post all week but with the sickness hitting I just didn't get to it til now. 

I was watching The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and when it got to the part where Jillian had to eat some of the food the Orange team ate, I recognized many of those things.  They are from that fast food place with the big BELL in its logo, you know, they serve tacos and other Mexican fair.  Well, then Jillian starts looking at that stuff with this disgusted look and when she eats it she gags and throws up!  (Part of me wonders if that is a bit staged or over dramatized on her part for effect.)  But then it hits me, as she is saying how could these people eat like this, it isn't even food, that I LOVE fast food.  Jillian is saying how can they eat it and I am thinking, 'cause it's good. 

I am a fast food junkie.  I like to cook with whole foods and eat natural sugars and then, let;s say, on Friday we go out for lunch or Sunday after church we grab a quick bite, or even a Tuesday night when we have been on a field trip and I am tired we pick up Chik-fil-a for a treat and because "it's better then McD" right? Is it?  But I kind of like the McD and the Bell and many others.  I know they aren't good for me, but it's not like I eat there every day right? Oh, and I couldn't even pretend I was doing well by ordering the fruit cup or the yogurt or something else masquerading as healthy, no I have to have the fries and the burgers with the sauces, cause it's a treat, and if I am already eating here, I might as well indulge, right?  Yeah, indulged my way right up to over 280 lbs I did.

Well, I am watching Jillian get sick and thinking, what does she eat?  Doesn't she ever get cravings for anything bad for you?  What is her idea of indulging?  I mean, I know what healthy eating looks like, for a day or two, but I don't always feel like eating a slice of grilled chicken and a salad with lemon juice squeezed on it.  I know there are many ways to make healthy low calorie foods with out it being boring, but I like the way the junkie foods taste and if the option is a big mac or a grilled chicken breast, I want the mac. And for someone addicted to fast food it is a lot of work to plan and fix those healthy meals and make sure those snacks are on hand and though I don't like the excuse of not being able to get the kids to eat it, sometimes they just won't eat it.  And so I am a little on edge because even a week and a half in and I want some of the food from that Bell place.  MMMM I could go for some right now....

But I digress....

ok, so what to do?  I guess right now I really don't know.  I have been working on this for so long, my whole life, and I am tired.  I am tired of having to think about it.  I hate that every waking moment is consumed with what will the next meal be.  I have to shop for the food and prepare the food and eat the food and clean up the food and store the food and I have to do it every single day.  And I am tired.

I used the word addicted back there.  I guess that is the thing.  Right there in black and white.  Addiction. Hmmm, maybe that is another post. 

For now I will leave it at this.... this is a long hard road, and it won't be easy.  Lots of changes to come. I pray I can break the hold that fast food has on me and that I can truely enjoy some of the healthier options.

ICK

well, we have all been sick this week.  with a stomache bug.  SO, not much has gotten done around here.  Very little schooling, not much cooking, or eating for that matter.  Today is clean up day now that everyone seems to be feeling better.  I have a bit of a lingering headache but that could just be a bit of dehydration.  I am drinking lots of water.  Along with clean up will be looking at what foods we have and what is needed to get back on track after a long week of piecing together food for whoever was up to eating at the time.  Then on to the store.

Weekly weigh in

I have been giving my eating habits a concentrated effort for one week now and I am glad to say I lost 2 lbs.  I did have some times of weakness but overall I reduced my portion sizes, opted for fruit over cookies sometimes, and am making this process a priority.  I think it was a pretty good week.  This coming week I was hoping to add some movement into my days but I now have a sick kid and expect the others to follow.  so I think I will concentrate on maintaining and surviving the week.  I guess the upside if I do get sick would be not eating, maybe I will lose more this week LOL.

See how others are doing over at Eclipsed

Gratituesday

I sit here after a long night with my 9 year old throwing up.  I am tired.  She is probably more so.  I figure this will be a long week, because it will inevitably pass through the whole house.  But I am sitting here thinking of the last time we were all sick like this.  It has been quite a while.  And I am thankful for that.  Then I remember that I have passed through several of these episodes in the last few years without totally getting sick myself.  And for that I am very thankful.  I hope this will be one of those times I can escape it.  I would be so grateful.

see what others are grateful for today

weekly challenge

I have been following this weight loss blog and it was my inspiration to kick start myself into being serious and purposeful in my weight loss path this year.  She is issuing challenges each week as well as encouragement.  I am finding it fun to have this kind of support.  I have no friends in real life that I believe understand or are on the same journey.  So I will continue to follow and post and link while I lose!

I have been recording my eating in a food journal.  I just opened the notepad on my desktop on my computer.  I made a little icon so I just click and type, save and I am set.  It has been a great way for me to go back over the week and see what I have been doing.

My goal is portion control and eating whole, natural foods.  I can't do weight watchers or calorie counting.  It doesn't work for me.  I have tried those methods and I feel deprived and ...well, I feel trapped.  So, my focus has been for a long time on trying to incorporate healthy, whole foods into our diet while removing processed foods.  I have decided that is my focus now, but with more portion control and control or "treats".  Because lets face it, no matter how natural the ingredients, or how many "good" ingredients in a cookie, if I eat the whole batch in a day, I won't lose weight.

I think I will continue to write down what I eat.  I think that keeps me accountable.  This week as I was going to get something to eat I would think, do I want to write this down.  and it stopped me a few times from eating something I shouldn't, or eating MORE of something then I needed.

that's what I'm doing this week.

For Sale

Well, our house went on the market finally!  I hope and pray it sells quickly and we can move on with our lives. 

I did recover yesterday, but today I feel ok, it's just that I couldn't be motivated to do much.  We got our learning in pretty well, but my cleaning and purging I am supposed to be doing kind of fizzled.  I have been on such a roll, guess it had to end sometime.  I was just feeling the snowball effect I think.  Like I can't clean this and put it away because I need something downstairs to be cleaned up and before I do that the couch has to move and to do that I need my hubby and when he gets home there isn't time yada yada yada...

so nothing got done.  Oh and it doesn't help that every time I get a room neat and vaccuumed, I go to the bathroom and come back to a disaster!  I know that it is because I have small children, but come on!  one day!! could I have even the illusion of progress for one day??

and something I hadn't thought much about til right now (because my stomache is growling) is that I have been making a concious effort to eat better.  my focus this week has been on simply eating less.  I am not totally restricting my eating (I had a handful or two of carmel corn) but I didn't eat the entire package, something I normally would have done. so I am starting with eating mostly what I normally would, but just less of it.  And another big change, is if I do feel very hungry inbetween meals I eat a CUTIE (manderin oranges).  they are in season and super sweet these days (though not local of course which vexes me so)

anyway, I guess what I was trying to say is that eating less and being hungry sometimes during the day could be a bit draining.  I am trying to remember to take vitamins to help (whole food vits).  but until my body gets used to it and I lose a bit, or I find another energy boost, I guess I will have to push through as not to lose too much momentum on the cleaning.

I still want to post my new school schedule and routines, but I have a date with my hubby (late night LOST catch-up before the new season)

more

I need more time, more energy, more focus, more coffee LOL

I woke up feeling dreary this morning.  The weather is foggy and cold wich usually I love.  But today I woke up with a headache and feeling unrested.  I don't want to excersize, I don't want to work on cleaning, I don't want to do devotions or homeschool.  I want to read, go back to bed....

I need some more sleep!!

ok, so instead, I am going to go take my vitamins and drink a big glass of water.  then I am going to start some laundry and get the kids focused on school.  Then, to help me refocuse on school I will be writing out a list of our curriculum and our goals by the end of this school year.....I'll be back!

the number

A friend of mine asked me, a couple of years ago, if I would go on the Biggest Loser with her.  I am not sure if she was serious, but I laughed.  I said there was no way I was standing half naked on national television and letting the world know my weight.  But tonight I sit here and watch the season premier, I am struck that it does take courage.  Courage to be on tv, but courage to take the first step.  People have been on the show and you can tell they don't get it.  Then you see a young girl cry when she sees the number.

I cry  when I see the number.  I don't want to face the number.  I don't feel like that number.  It doesn't define me....or does it? 

I don't want to live in the shadow of a number.  So as part of my resolve to lose weight, I am going to announce my numbers.  I hope it will inspire me, at the least motivate me. And I hope it will get smaller in the process :)

today isn't the beginning of my journey.  I have been on this journey my whole life.  but I hope today is a turning point.... today I am 287 lbs.

Resolve

so I have been thinking about resolutions...to resolve to do something. I don't want to be cliche, but I resolve to loose weight this year (more specifically be healthy).  I resolve to deepen my relationship with my Creator.  I resolve to live in the now . I resolve to be a better wife and mother. I feel like I can't make these decisions.  It will mean failure when I don't meet those goals. I have already resolved to fail.  WHY?

I want to meet these goals.  I don't want to give up before I have started.  I have some ideas, and some blogs I am following for help.  I want to blog my journey, for better or worse.  I want to succeed...I resolve to succeed!

saying goodby

well, all but one of our puppies went to their new homes today. The last one will go home later this week. I am sad.  I will miss them.  they were really fun to play with.  yes I am going to have some scars from their playful nips, oh but how cute they were all clamoring for me with such excitement.  and when they were sweet an quietly napping on my lap...oh what angels.  Now, my parents took one of the pups so we will still get to see her often.  But with that all said....I will be so excited to clean my kitchen!  It has been smelly and dirty and chaotic for the last 8 weeks!  It was hard to be motivated to cook or even do my Christmas baking because it was a full time kennel.

So, I wish we could have kept one :)  but am going to spend tomorrow cleaning and scrubbing and hopefully baking some cookies, finally...YAY!

Thanksgiving

We just read a book called 1621: A New Look at Thanksgiving.  I have known for a long time that the original story was much different from the distorted "cleaned up" version we all learn as children.  And the story of what is considered the first Thanksgiving isn't even that terrible.  It was a harvest celebration by the English.  The natives came to see what the commotion was (thinking maybe they were preparing for war) and when they realized it was a celebration, they stayed and participated.  Kind of a diplomatic meeting.  But because of the soon after tragedies inflicted on those peoples and others through out north America in the years to come, I can see how they could feel Thanksgiving isn't really a reason to celebrate. 

The book is great at offering a lot of fact and it was a nice study, a bit more in depth then what we are used to.  I definitely don't want to sugar coat what actually happened when the English invaded this country and basically took it over from it's original native peoples.  I want my kids to know the truth.  But I also believe that a national day of giving thanks isn't a bad thing.  I know this holiday gets over looked as there isn't much to market besides food.  But I think the best thing we can do is to thank God for the blessings in our lives.  No, we don't need a holiday to do it.  Any day will work.  But there is something special about a day that is set aside for remembering to be thankful. 

That is the attitude I want to plant in my children.  To be grateful and to count their blessings.  (And hopefully they can learn not to step on the dreams of others at the same time.)  So learn the history behind the holiday, but don't let it dampen the spirit of gratitude that this holiday can help us to remember year after year.

I need this post

I was just reading this post and I haven't even wrapped my mind around it yet.  But I know I need to answer the questions and think on the truths expressed.  I will be back to it often as I seek His will and my renewed forward motion that I am having so much trouble capturing.  I want to live in His will and I am never sure that I am.  And so I need to pray.  That is the answer...pray.

Busy busy

Wow!  we had such a busy weekend!  Friday I had Bible study and was also making food for friends coming over as well as for our Fall Feast on Saturday (cause I wasn't home all day Sat).  We had our friends over and got to meet their wonderful newly adopted son which was such a joy! We really enjoyed that evening!  Then my mom showed up just as the were leaving.  She came to spend the night because there was some snow and we had big plans the next day so she made sure to be there. 

Saturday morning saw some snow but not as bad as predicted I think.  So mom and I headed to our Holly Daze scrapbooking crop.  For the whole day!  It was so nice.  I haven't done much on my scrapbooks in probably 5 years.  There is a lot of catch up to do but it was easiest to start on Emma's baby book. (I haven't even done Gabe's yet, but one step at a time)

We had a great time chatting and eating and working on our projects.  I really miss my mom.  She is only 2 hours away, but sometimes that feels like a lot.  I really enjoy her company.  So the day seemed to go too quickly and soon it was time to head home.  When I got home my wonderful husband was already warming the soup I had made the day before for our feast.  So I changed clothes, said good by to my mom.  She was heading home before any more snow hit and we were off to our feast.

The set up was already underway when we showed up at church.  It all came together beautifully and the tables looked great.  The food was good and the performers did an excellent job.  We have some very talented kids in our homeschool group.  Megan performed a favorite piano piece "Little Green Frog".  She did it beautifully. I am very proud of her.

Well, long night of clean up and we went home and went to bed.  Sunday came and back to church but the afternoon was lazy and unproductive.  I felt so bad we weren't doing anything...but sometimes a little rest is what is called for after such a busy weekend.

Gratituesday: My Husband

I am so thankful for my husband who loves me as Christ loved the church.  He has sacrificed so much for me lately and I am so grateful.  I never imagined he would be so generous and still love me even when I ask so much of him.  I won't go into too much detail, but if you read some earlier posts about us moving and then moving back, you will see that my husband, though not excited, wanted to make me happy and provide what I needed both times. Of course he works hard everyday for our family and so I can stay home and home school.  He is truly selfless and I love him more each day!

Head over to Heavenly Homemakers to see what others are thankful for or leave your own post on gratitude.

Heavy subject

  I am feeling very run down.  My body is giving out on me.  I am feeling the weight of my...weight.  I have always been over weight.  Sometimes more then others.  I think I have been a been heavier then I am now, but not by much.  I have always felt pretty healthy and strong though.  until now.  I am discouraged because I have no energy.  I know that exercising is supposed to give you energy, but it is so hard to get started.  I need a good kick in the pants I think!

I think I need help is what I am saying.  Doing this on my own just isn't an option any more.  I know I need to eat better, but my will power isn't there, and I know I need to exercise, but again, no motivation.  I do not want to use any kind of artificial weight loss method...that means no gimmicks, no fad diets(or fake supplements), no surgeries.  But that also means no quick fix.  This is a long hard road to loosing at least a hundred pounds. 

Brendan wants to help but I guess I feel like he is being bossy and judgemental when he says "do you really need that extra helping?"  So I can't have him be anything but a cheerleader.  I have friends who need to loose weight too, but I feel like they, like me, struggle with motivation and will power and in the past I have found them to not be as helpful.

So what do I need?  I'd love to have a Biggest Looser environment with out the embarrassment of national television.  I need a scheduled time for exercise.  I need good solid, healthy, meal plans I can stick to.

I want to be better.  I want to be healthier.  I want to be thinner and have more energy for my family... but I am tired.  I have always had to deal with this and I am tired of it.  I obviously haven't do a very good job, but still I am tired of dealing with it.

I will probably continue to address this subject...hopefully with a more positive outlook, and a plan.

Giveaway!

I was just reading about this great giveaway. I have been reading Hip Mountain Mama's blog for a couple of months now and am really enjoying her natural take on things.  I strive to better myself by trying to chose more eco friendly ways of doing things and buying local, reused and sustainable items.  So go ahead over and get yourself entered too!

puking pumpkins

So here are a few of our pumpkins.  The boys saw this and had to do it too. ICK!  But that's boys for ya.
Here is Megan's....

I carved this one...

And here's our little goblins.... ready for their sugar rushes...

Aniken, pirate, clone trooper and ladybug.

Snow day

So yesterday was a snow day around here.  Many things were closed though not everything.  But Bren got to stay home from work so were were glad for the day together.  Since things have been busy around here, we took the opportunity to carve our pumpkins.  The kids always balk over touching the goo inside, but lucky for me they dig in anyway. I was so nervous because my husband just hands them the knife and says start carving!  Every slice had me flinching and ready to rush to the emergency room (that would have been fun!).  But in the end they all did a fine job.  Since it was snowy we didn't set them all up on the porch yet,  hopefully it will be melted enough by tomorrow for us to do that.  Then I will take a picture and post it, because really you need the full affect of the extra "props". 

The great thing about homeschooling is that we don't get snow days :)  The kids don't think it is that great, but I love that something like this actually gives us more time together and new fun things to do and learn as a family.  Because Brendan was home the kids got to do some art with him.  They took the time to get out the oil pastels and practice with them when normally I don't have them out for fear of a little one getting ahold of them.  But because we could have separate time with dad it facilitated some extra learning.  Oh and don't forget the lessons involved in building structure.  I mean you have to learn that you can't stand on top of a snow fort, it will colapse! hehe

Here they are playing in the snow with the neighbors as it was melting this morning.

It's a....

LITTER!  Godiva did indeed give birth in the wee hours of the morning after laboring all night.  I was up with her most of the time because she was a little panicky. We saw the first little head pop out about 5:30 am.  Then within an hour we had 3. There was a long pause and more were born around 9am then a few more sporadically until about 12:45 pm.We had a total of 9 puppies born but one didn't make it.  The fourth born, like I said was born after a long gap and we considered maybe she was done, even though that is a small litter, so we let her outside to go.  We watched closely and she paused and sniffed the spot (by the was did I mention we are in the midst of a blizzard?) so Jordan put shoes on and ran out sure enough finding a puppy in the snow!  So we have named him blizzard.  the last puppy born was also not breathing like the one we lost.  I spent a good amount of time rubbing her but it seemed like a lost cause.  I didn't want to break any ribs or her neck or anything, but I figured I could rub hard because she was already dead right?  well I kept persisting and after a long while got a faint gasp.  Her gasp was raspy and sounded like fluid.  I thought maybe it was a reflex since I was rubbing her diaphragm.  I let Godiva lick her a bit and then would rub her some more and she was taking more raspy breaths!  I didn't think there was anything else I could do so I left her with the others figuring there was no way she could fight to nurse, but I let Godiva just lick away.  We named her hope because we hoped she would live.  I made some lunch and went back asking where she went and found out she was fighting to nurse like the rest!!!  She still had a labored breathing pattern, but when put to the nipple she sucked (I helped fight off older siblings).  So far she looks and acts like the rest...what a miracle!

So, we ended up with 8 puppies at the end of the day.  There are 6 girls and 2 boys!  They look like black labs, so unless the colors change as they grow, we may never know what the father was.  Oh well, they are cute as can be!  And they are ready to go home in eight weeks...anyone want a puppy for Christmas??

oops

so Godiva, our chocolate lab is about to have puppies.  Any day now.  In fact I think it could be tonight.  She has been digging and breathing heavy and her ears feel cool though I haven't taken her temp. I am sad for her because she is 8 and a half.  That is too old to have puppies.  When we moved to Bennett we talked about getting her fixed.  We had no fences and we just knew that was a disaster waiting to happen.  But with all the other things going on it wasn't a first priority.  And besides, I paid close attention in the beginning and she never ventured far.  She was so good about sticking close to the house.  Wow!  How lucky. 

So I got comfortable and lo and behold one day she went into heat and the next she vanished,  Eventually sauntering home at 11pm!  So the next day I watched her closely and only let her out to do her business and right back in.  But, helpful children who walk by the dog scratching at the door let her out so she wouldn't make a mess on the floor....GREAT!  Midnight rolls around and we are out calling for her.  This goes on for a few more days.  One morning Bren woke up and was startled by what he thought was a coyote sniffing at the garage door where the dog is kept.  Well, by the end of that week Godiva no longer wandered and never did again the rest of the time we lived there.

Sixty-three days later here we are.  With an old dog about to pop.  I feel sorry for her.  I do love birth, and puppies, so I am trying not to be too down.  I hope Godiva will be fine.  She is old, but still strong.  The kids are thrilled.  But taking care of puppies is also messy and a lot of work.  So we will see how the next few days play out.

what to write?

I sit here pondering what to write.  I have many things, some profound, some mundane, that could be wrapped up in neat phrases and set to this page.  I want to write things worth reading.  I read many blogs and get inspiration from most.  I wish I could write like that, to inspire.  I am not a natural writer.  I enjoy journaling and maybe that is more what this should be, just a journal.  But writing a daily journal feels dull.  I could write about what we had for breakfast, about our shopping trip and about my darling four year old who is obsessed with Star Wars. It would be a fun thing for me to read later, but would anyone else want to read it?  I feel like most blogs I read who have a following, they are writing to an audience.  So maybe my writings here should be focused on finding an audience.  Who would I speak to?  Could I inspire others?

clutter

Well, I am trying to unpack now that we are back in our old house. It was easy at first, everything already had a place here so I should be able to get it back in that place. Then I got to the boxes that were just thrown together. No real place. Just random things collected from around the house, mostly toys. I want to simplify. That is what I have wanted for a long time now. Less stuff! Wow, but that is hard. As I go through some of the things I think, "I can't throw THIS out." Well, a few tons of stuff later here we are.

SO how do you do it? How do you declutter and keep only what you love? What if you love lots of things? I have many things that have sentimental value. And then there are the things I would gladly move on from, but the kids or the husband MUST have it. sigh.

That is my goal for the next few days...to declutter, simplify, and start to create (re -create)some daily routines for my house keeping so it flows more smoothly around here. It is overwhelming so I am trying to take it one step at a time.

we did it

Well, after much prayer and contemplating, we moved back to the old neighborhood. We abandoned our dream of the country life. It was just nothing like we thought and we were so overwhelmed by so many things we didn't expect. It is so nice to be back in our old house. We still have a lot of work to do. We have to sell the house in the country and that may be a hard task in this economy. But we trust that God has been leading us and He will continue to do so. All we can do is trust that this part will be taken care of in the same way.

I am getting unpacked and enjoying having things the way they were. I am having a good time getting back into all my old routines (but hopefully not the bad habits) and I am enjoying being close to things again.

I am not sure why were have been taken on this roller coaster...but I keep trusting there is a reason.

reality bites

so I have wanted to live a simpler life. I wanted to grow my own food and raise some too. I wanted to live out where there was more space between me and the next guy. To this end, I started researching places to live, homes for sale so that my husband could still get to work in the city in a reasonable amount of time. This was 8 months ago. Since then we found a house only 25 mins from hubby's work, in a small town of farmers. Thirty nine acres! I thought it was my dream property. Plenty of space here! WOW I had such plans. It took a couple of months to get financing worked out but we closed on April 28th. The house was a fixer upper for sure. Bren worked round the clock fixing and painting and roofing and drywalling! I know he put everything he had into this. Finally we decided to move in June 20th even though there was some finish work to do.

Since that time, reality has certainly hit, and boy does it pack a punch! First we had a mega moth infestation. Thousands would line the walls and windows. We had them in our beds, in our cupboards, everywhere! Finally they subsided and the mosquitoes set in. We can't go outside. We run to the car waiving our hands furiously. And it's not just that they are outside. They must have figured out the moth's secret entrance, because they are in the house. I can't sleep at night just laying there feeling them on me. We have replaced screens and any time we open a window we have a huge influx of mosquitoes. So the windows and doors stay shut.

This brings up another "plague", the heat. The house is west facing and has some skylights. Boy is it hot in here! And we can't open windows if we want to keep the mosquitoes at bay, so all we can do is sweat. No air conditioner here.

So I am very sad. My dreams aren't panning out the way I hoped. Right now I want to go back to the city. I want to give up this "simple" life in favor of my old life which turned out to be way simpler then I had realized......

Bad mom

ok, I haven't posted in so long! Emma is six months old and I still feel like I am recovering. And though I know I can't compare my self and my life to others, I can't help but feeling even worse when I was reading another blog of a woman who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago and in the comments was a woman saying the blogger was such a good mom because there was a picture of the daughter on the blog and she had a bow in her hair. So, the makings of a good mom is having a bow in your child's hair? I mean, I would love to be that good, but frankly, not the top of my list. Does that make me a bad mom because I don't have bows in my older daughter's hair? I mean her baby is only a couple of weeks old, mine is six months! If I can't do it by now I must be so very bad!! ugggg!



well, enough of that rant. I am feeling very argumentitive lately, like I just want to buck the system, rebel against athourity! I feel immature for feeling that way, but I don't need, for instance, my church taking attendance every week by making me fill out the welcome card though I am not a newcomer. And my homeschool group wants me to rsvp yes OR no to EVERY activity it plans. Like I have all this time to go through the calendar and let them know I WON'T be attending Friday's activity! sheesh. If I don't let you know I'm coming...assume I am not!



Anyway, this spirit of strife has gotten me into trouble lately. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut when I don't agree with something. I keep praying I will just be able to let stuff go, but I really am having a hard time with it.

She's here ! Emma arrived on May 8th. She was 10 pounds 13 oz!!!!!!!! We are doing great. More about our newest addition later.

Counting down

Well, here we are, still pregnant. I shouldn't listen when the midwife says I will be early. I shouldn't listen when she says baby is heads up. I know the baby will be big, but she has been hyping it up as a possible record breaker and I have decided not to listen any more.

I believe that a midwife is a better choice then a doctor in a hospital. This is most especially true if there is a normal pregnancy with no complications. But I think I put too much stock in her knowledge. I mean, I think she obviously knows a ton about birth, she has been overseeing deliveries for over 20 years. But what I mean is, she isn't God. She doesn't know everything. She can take my blood pressure, test my urine, ask all the "relevent" questions, but she can't see inside of me. She doesn't know the day I conceived (especially since I don't know) and she (since I am overweight anyway) can't tell the exact weight of this baby.

I have been a bit up tight the last few weeks because she believed the baby would come earlier then we first thought. Well, obviously that isn't the case as I sit here with a bulging foot in my lungs. Baby is heads down as it should be, and I do expect to have the baby in the next few weeks of course. But I know I need to relax and know it will come when it is good and ready. My pregnancy has been healthy and uneventfull (unless you count the breech scare).

I am trying hard to be patient, which is hard because I had been lead to believe I would already be holding my little bundle by now. SO lesson to learn here is...listen to my instincts, my body and don't let someone else have undue control over my emotions.

And so we wait...

Just when I thought I was in control...

OK, so I have been a basketcase the last few weeks because my midwife told me she thought the baby could be breech. She didn't seem that worried and said there was time (maybe, since we don't really know the date) and that maybe at some point we could get an ultrasound to confirm.

So I have been googling my little heart out. I know that in the medical profession breech=cesarean. So of course this sent me into a tizzy. NO WAY! So I also looked up all this home remedy stuff for turning breech babies as well as any info on birthing breech at home that I could find. Even though all my findings were positive, I could still have it at home, I have birthed very large babies before so I am pretty safe there, I still couldn't shake this weird feeling like what if it doesn't turn!!???

Today my wonderful midwife confirmed that she felt this little bugger in the heads up position! GRRRR! So I have some instructions for helping motivate it to flip on it's own, and hopefully it will turn. She is also fairly confident that it will be sooner then our original projected date of April 26th. By how much? We don't know, it really has a chance of coming any time after March 30th we believe. It is a huge long story which I may write about here, but probably not because it involves female cycle talk, and no one really wants that much detail, right?

Anyway, I am still not happy about it, but having seen the midwife, confirmed it and having a plan of action has definitely put me more at ease. If you are so inclined...pray that it will turn, not be too big (my last one was 10 1/2 lbs) and the home birth will go beautifully.

Works for me Wednesday

I am always trying to come up with something for Works for me Wednesday over at Rocks in my Dryer but I can't ever think of anything. I love this backwards edition because I get to ask a question!! And this one is a doosy.....

So, at Christmas Santa brings us presents at our house. This is a big deal to me. I grew up with it being this very magical thing, and so it is fun to make it that magical for my kids. Please none of this "Christians shouldn't do Santa" and "it's lying to my kids" etc. I understand that argument, believe me I do, (hence the coming dilemma) but we like the magic.

OK, that is until on of the toys, a very expensive toy, breaks! On use two! A remote control car, did I mention expensive? OK, so I need to return it, it was only a couple of days after Christmas, I have the receipt... only Santa brought it. SO how to explain (to a 10 year old) why Santa does shoddy work, and how we are going to get a new one...all the way from the North Pole? I don't know what to do in this situation...any advice? Cause basically I had to lie more. I had to take it to a "shop" to get it fixed. Only I returned it and it was a seasonal item so no one has it anymore. When I finally find a store across town with ONE left....it is a different color!!!! More lying. The "shop" couldn't fix it so they gave me a replacement.???

My son didn't question it, really, but I had a horrible time trying to get around the whole returning it to the store, and getting a different color while still maintaining the Santa story. SO my question is, for those of you who "do Santa", what do you do, and say, when something breaks??

If you have a question, or an answer, head over to Works for me Wednesday backwards edition.


PS. I think the reason my son didn't question too much is that he is beginning to know it isn't Santa, but is afraid to say it. (I know some of you may think he is old to believe it, but being homeschooled I don't have as much of the cynical influence of kids at school who don't believe.) I could have just told him, but I want it to go as long as possible, and I think this was probably his last year believing anyway, I wasn't ready to ruin the magic just yet. I am sure by next year he will ask us about it, and we will tell him the truth, but not yet.

Extra PS. this has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I would add, that my son actually questioned the Target emblem on the playdoh box my three year old got from Santa more then my whole story about the car...weird.

Expectations? or I don't know what I am doing

UUUGGG! We have tried to start some kind of routine today. I got up, not all that early, but in enough time to actually make breakfast for the kids before they got tired of waiting and just ate cold cereal. I am dressed, and everyone but the 3 year old is dressed. I have read the Bible, though the kids haven't yet. My oldest has been working on math, we needed to catch up a bit before our new books come next week. He is learning division and is convinced it is the end of the world. If only I could get him to understand it is just the opposite of multiplication...

My daughter is cleaning her room, a good thing, except it always takes so long because she has to play as she goes, and 3 hours later she hasn't made much progress. The toddler is watching his 3rd movie of the morning. Is that ok? I feel like he shouldn't be watching tv, but he has been sick and I like this better then me sitting with him sprawled on my lap with a 103 degree fever, so I let it go.

My point today is that I don't feel like I really have any goals for our learning right now. I can think of all these great things I want us to learn about, but the details of actually doing anything just aren't falling in place. I have my oldest fighting everything I try tooth and nail, the toddler just wants to be in the middle of everything, or at least have my attention, and over the holidays my mom got on my case because my daughter (7, second grade) told her she didn't know how to write. My mom (who teaches art in public school) started in on how she needs a spelling book and there are certain standards she needs to meet for sentence writing and blah, blah, blah...

Of course the next time I went shopping that same daughter brought me a shopping list of all the things she was buying with her Christmas money. Not everything was spelled right, but I'd say that her claim of not being able to write was a bit overexagerated. But of course how do I defend myself against my mom who wants spelling books and structured lessons and I told her our writing consists of copying poems and scriptures and we do read and I have taught her the phonics rules. We finally dropped the subject, because no one was giving in. Now I feel bad though, like I need to prove to her my daughter can write. I shouldn't have to, it isn't about what she thinks, but it's my MOM. ya know?

So I feel a bit lost right now, like I need to change something, be more structured, fill in some blanks I know we are missing. But how. I know the biggest weakness in our learning is the writing, but I don't know how to fill it in without doing "school at home". I think our relaxed style works for us, but how do I fill in those blanks and keep that "unschool" feel?

I am just hoping to have some kind of revelation soon.

Happy New Year

OK, I know it is a bit late for that kind of title, but it has been busy around here...still. We were at my parents house for New Year's and then the youngest got sick, we just started recovering today. And so, a new year deserves a new look. (I was just getting used to the old one)

And so, I don't have much else to say right now, I am just trying to get back to some kind of routine. Most blogs I have read show most everyone back in their school routines. I am hoping to be ready for that by Monday.

Three years old

Three years ago yesterday, I gave birth (at home) to a beautiful baby boy. He has been difficult and we have been tired, but we are blessed to have him and he lives up to his name Gabriel, for he has brought us to the presence of God in more then one way.

Happy Birthday and I love you sweet boy!

Read this...

Grace in a Manger

Ah ha, that's what's missing!

I was just reading a post from Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer about grace . It so very much more eloquently states the way I was feeling yesterday. I mean not exactly the same situation, but I have been feeling like my main problem lately is I have a lack of grace. We all do around here. We all tend to be short on patience and giving others the benefit of the doubt. It just wears on ya after a while.

Yes, more grace is what we need around here. Thanks Shannon of reminding me.

Discouraged

I am feeling discouraged lately. I am really feeling like I wasn't meant to be a mom. I love my kids dearly, but I feel like I am failing them at every turn. I just want to know how people with so many more kids get things done, and teach their children and cook and clean and have time for devotions and..... I know, they just do it. I have 3 kids, and one on the way, and I look at others both in real life and in blogs I read, and I wonder how they have energy to do the things they do, while pregnant with the 8th one or whatever. I can't even manage to read the Bible every day. I realize I need to set better priorities, but you haven't met my almost 3 year old!

I feel like I can't win. I am so tired of the kids fighting with each other, of me fighting with them. I wish I could say it's time for lessons with out the collective whining that in sues. I want to be able to say take these books upstairs for me without the argument. I want my 10 year old to stop pestering and tormenting the other 2 and I REALLY want him to stop talking back to us. I feel so hopeless after talking with him, and I feel like I have failed as a mother. He has a bad attitude and he is rude, disrespectful and angry most of the time. And I am at a loss at what to do. We have tried yelling, of course that didn't work, we have tried punishments (taking away privileges) we have tried rewards for good behavior, still nothing....and we always come back to yelling, mostly out of frustration and lack of knowing what else to do.

I am so tired of the struggle. I know that no one said being a parent was easy, I just thought there would be times when things might be easier. I am very disheartened that I can't seem to keep up with family devotions either. My husband was supposed to be in charge, but if I don't mention it, it doesn't get done. I know it should be a top priority, but isn't it his job, not mine?

Uuugggg! I hate feeling like this. I want to be a good mom, I just don't know how to deal with some of our issues right now. I can't keep up with the house, the toys are everywhere, laundry needs to be done (and I have been doing it everyday!) I am so emotionally exhausted from the struggles with the kids that I become physically tired and don't want to finish the housework most days.

I am not writing any of this for pity. I am just venting after what was a particularly hard day. I of course, hope tomorrow will be better. But most days seem to be going this way and I need to get the frustration out and figure out how to talk with the kids and teach them the right behavior, which apparently I am not good at or maybe we wouldn't have this problem now.

hopefully a good nights sleep will find me in better spirits....if the toddler stays in bed :)

New look

Ok, I have had this blog for a little over a year I think, and I have been slowly learning how to work it! I just customized some things and I am so excited. I really wish I was savy enough to make it really famcy and pretty, maybe that will come. But for now I am jsut happy to have Christmas colors and a pretty snowy picture (from my front yard during the blizzards we had last year).

I hope to keep learning how to make it better looking, and I really hope to have some more time to blog (as well as a topic) very soon!

Christmas ebook

I was just reading this review over at Enjoy the Journey. I have been saddened that Lindsay isn't updating her Christmas blog (though the archives are still available), so when I read the review I started thinking that this could be the thing I am looking for.

If you are looking for some good Christian perspective on Christmas and some activities and recipes, it looks like Marybeth Whalen has the answers. Go take a look!

Works For me Wednesday

OK, this is backwards day over at Rocks in my Dryer . That means I get to ask a question and hopefully some one can help me with an answer. So here we go...

I have a 9 year old (to be ten next month) boy, a 7 year old girl, a 2 year old (to be three next month) boy and a baby on the way. Right now the two boys share a room and my daughter has her own room. We have one extra room that has been a play/guest room. We are considering moving the oldest into that room and then putting the baby in with the toddler. The problem is that the toddler won't sleep in his room alone. We have done some practice nights and he just won't go to bed by himself. My older son gets lots of credit because he is very gracious and always agrees to come back into the room with the toddler.

The baby isn't due until April and will probably sleep in my room for a while, but I know my oldest wants his privacy. And being 10 next month, I think he should be able to have it. So if you have some advice on getting my toddler to like having his own room, and getting him to sleep there, let me know!

Thanks!