a little over a month ago, my thoughts were taken up with planning a trip to an apple farm, starting new school subjects and staying in my budget...then my life was hijacked!
wow! the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind. we got our preliminary application approved to adopt through the agency where we saw that picture. then the agency sent us a much more detailed secondary application. that took about 2 and a half weeks to complete and was quite involved! now we are waiting on that approval to know if we can start the home study...which is supposed to be MORE INVOLVED! I mean, I don't know what more they want to know, I think they know everything!
but after that we will be able to ask specifically for the girl we want, and then I should be able to post some pictures of her.
we don't know right now how long this whole thing will take, I am thinking, maybe, about June, but we are hoping to have her by her birthday in August. if things hurry along, I have recently heard stories of people getting their children in 7mo...that would put us in April.
please pray with us for fast moving in all the departments that need to move us through.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, October 03, 2013
the one with the girl
so I have been feeling overwhelmingly pulled towards adoption in the last year. I have frequently poured over waiting child websites just looking at orphans in need of families. and I have cried. my heart has been broken over and over for these children. I feel like I have a good home and lots of love. and then I am taken aback that I could dream of helping, it wouldn't make a difference, I can't adopt them all! I'd think, how can I pick one? and leave the next? how would I know which one would be the one? how is it fair to the others I didn't pick?
I often have a list of kids I am praying for and about saved in "MY" section on one of the adoption sites. sometimes I'd show brendan a picture and tell the story. he would look and make a few comments, but nothing indicating he was moved by that child...so I looked on...
then, about 2 weeks ago...I showed him a girl, I had seen her picture a few days earlier and stuck her in my "que" and prayed. she was so beautiful! and when I showed her to brendan, he cried.
we just knew...she's the one...
THE STARFISH POEM
Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean
to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking
on the beach
before he began his work.
One day he was walking along
the shore.
As he looked down the beach,
he saw a human
figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think
of someone who would
dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster
to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw
that it was a young man
and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching
down to the shore,
picking up something
and very gently throwing it
into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out,
"Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young man paused,
looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked,
why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out.
And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young man, don't you realize that
there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."
I know this poem is cliche in the adoption world...but it is profoundly true nonetheless...
one girl will know love, and family and bedtime stories and family vacations and dinner games....and Jesus
God whispered in the dark...and we say yes
I often have a list of kids I am praying for and about saved in "MY" section on one of the adoption sites. sometimes I'd show brendan a picture and tell the story. he would look and make a few comments, but nothing indicating he was moved by that child...so I looked on...
then, about 2 weeks ago...I showed him a girl, I had seen her picture a few days earlier and stuck her in my "que" and prayed. she was so beautiful! and when I showed her to brendan, he cried.
we just knew...she's the one...
THE STARFISH POEM
Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean
to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking
on the beach
before he began his work.
One day he was walking along
the shore.
As he looked down the beach,
he saw a human
figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think
of someone who would
dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster
to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw
that it was a young man
and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching
down to the shore,
picking up something
and very gently throwing it
into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out,
"Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young man paused,
looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked,
why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out.
And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young man, don't you realize that
there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."
I know this poem is cliche in the adoption world...but it is profoundly true nonetheless...
one girl will know love, and family and bedtime stories and family vacations and dinner games....and Jesus
God whispered in the dark...and we say yes
the one with the dream
in february of 2006 I had a dream...I was getting off an airplane, and at my side was a little girl with shiney black hair about shoulder length. she had olive or light brown skin, dark eyes and she's holding my hand. she has on a dress with little flowers on it and a ribbon around the middle, tied in a big bow in the back and a white sweater. she is wearing a little backpack.
she is adopted, from where I don't know, but we are greated with lots of people as we get off the plane.
that's it. I woke up that morning feeling like this was a message from God! so I started looking into it. I looked to guatemala, feeling strongly she would come from there. I read books and searched the internet for information. I was nervous to talk with brendan or family at first. when I did approach the subject finally with brendan months later and then more seriously a year later, I got pregnant. clearly God said wait.
as emma grew older I again felt the tug of my heart towards orphans...and again, I got pregnant. clearly God was saying...not yet....
she is adopted, from where I don't know, but we are greated with lots of people as we get off the plane.
that's it. I woke up that morning feeling like this was a message from God! so I started looking into it. I looked to guatemala, feeling strongly she would come from there. I read books and searched the internet for information. I was nervous to talk with brendan or family at first. when I did approach the subject finally with brendan months later and then more seriously a year later, I got pregnant. clearly God said wait.
as emma grew older I again felt the tug of my heart towards orphans...and again, I got pregnant. clearly God was saying...not yet....
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
The one with the courage
I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into darkness...the unknown. God is asking me to step out! I am so afraid! I know He will be there, He is there now...guiding and directing my steps. But I am afraid none the less. Life changing things are coming and I know they are right and good...but "what ifs" and unknowns still haunt me...
what if we make the wrong decisions, what if we can't handle all this...I am already weary. I love my life and my kids and all the things I believe are God's calling and direction on my life, but I am tired. I need rest...rest in Him...deep breaths...
so here I stand on the cliff, and God says jump...am I ready? can I handle it? is it too much, too hard, too...crazy?
I am praying...crying out for clear answers...they are coming... but I still feel afraid...
maybe that's ok. if I could do this on my own, with my own strength and understanding...well, it wouldn't be trust and love and sacrifice worthy of our Lord. if I could do it on my own, I wouldn't need Him...and He wants me to need Him...
so I trust and pray and love.....
what if we make the wrong decisions, what if we can't handle all this...I am already weary. I love my life and my kids and all the things I believe are God's calling and direction on my life, but I am tired. I need rest...rest in Him...deep breaths...
so here I stand on the cliff, and God says jump...am I ready? can I handle it? is it too much, too hard, too...crazy?
I am praying...crying out for clear answers...they are coming... but I still feel afraid...
maybe that's ok. if I could do this on my own, with my own strength and understanding...well, it wouldn't be trust and love and sacrifice worthy of our Lord. if I could do it on my own, I wouldn't need Him...and He wants me to need Him...
so I trust and pray and love.....
The one where I come back....
I obviously gave up on this little blogging venture a while ago...WOW! but I have some life changing things coming and want to be able to write about them for family and friends...and me :)
so, I will update this real quick before starting on the new stuff...
we have been on a cruise and had another baby since last I wrote. really? that's all that's changed?? hmmm...oh! I forgot, we bought a house in Beulah! and well, I guess that and we've added a new budding driver to the family...
for our fifteenth anniversary in june of 2011 brendan and I went to california and took a cruise for a week down to cabo san lucas and puerto vallarta. it was amazing and so relaxing and fun! we went snorkeling and shopping and brendan got to zipline through the jungle! we hope to do another cruise someday but maybe take the kids...we'll see :)
then I got pregnant after months of praying about letting God have control of our family size. And little Micah James was born on April 26th, 2012. ok, not so little, he weighed 11lbs 6oz!!
of course he is big now...almost 18months!
our beautiful house in Beulah came to us in a round about way...we had talked for a couple of years about how fun it would be and we looked at this house across the street from grandad's. but it was out of our price range and we were in the middle of buying rentals, so it just wasn't possible. well fast forward to june 2012 and brendan out of the blue says we should look to see if that house was still for sale...it was!! we talked with the owner, a sweet old lady and she sold us the house for $50,000! what a huge blessing as that was wahy under her original price. we scraped up most the money and borrowed a little, and a year later we have it paid off! we love it there, and though the house is small, we really all fit! and have so much fun!
and jordan has grown so much! wow! he now holds a learners permit and is becoming a fine driver. my dad gave him grammie's old buick, so we are fixing it up and he will have that for his transportation! I can't find pictures so I'll wait to post more on that later.
we have some big things coming this year so I have decided to try to blog the coming journey. hopefully I can record my thoughts and feelings along the way.
so, I will update this real quick before starting on the new stuff...
we have been on a cruise and had another baby since last I wrote. really? that's all that's changed?? hmmm...oh! I forgot, we bought a house in Beulah! and well, I guess that and we've added a new budding driver to the family...
for our fifteenth anniversary in june of 2011 brendan and I went to california and took a cruise for a week down to cabo san lucas and puerto vallarta. it was amazing and so relaxing and fun! we went snorkeling and shopping and brendan got to zipline through the jungle! we hope to do another cruise someday but maybe take the kids...we'll see :)
then I got pregnant after months of praying about letting God have control of our family size. And little Micah James was born on April 26th, 2012. ok, not so little, he weighed 11lbs 6oz!!
our beautiful house in Beulah came to us in a round about way...we had talked for a couple of years about how fun it would be and we looked at this house across the street from grandad's. but it was out of our price range and we were in the middle of buying rentals, so it just wasn't possible. well fast forward to june 2012 and brendan out of the blue says we should look to see if that house was still for sale...it was!! we talked with the owner, a sweet old lady and she sold us the house for $50,000! what a huge blessing as that was wahy under her original price. we scraped up most the money and borrowed a little, and a year later we have it paid off! we love it there, and though the house is small, we really all fit! and have so much fun!
we have some big things coming this year so I have decided to try to blog the coming journey. hopefully I can record my thoughts and feelings along the way.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
the one with the memories
so, Brendan's grandpa is being evaluated because he has a severe and quickly advancing dementia. He talked with him on Christmas day and he was fine, and by new years he was in the hospital and didn't know anyone. it's weird. I feel for the family, having to make tough decisions. Brendan's grandmother is still fairly lucid but has physical needs and can't be by herself because of them. his mom is staying with her. so they are trying to place them in a facility together, but I know that can be hard with different needs.
I remember writing about my Grammy. I didn't grow up with Brendan's grandparents, but there is a part of me that wants to run to the rescue. I want to go stay with them and take care of them so they don't have to be separated or in a facility where they don't know anyone and are lonely. But, even more then it wasn't my responsibly in my grandmother's case, it isn't my place. Their kids are making the decisions and the choices for them. but it hurts my heart.
these wonderful people helped raise my husband and were like his parents when his mom had to work 3 jobs. particularly his grandfather was his father figure as his father wasn't around. Brendan is having a hard time. I offered to have him go out to OKC and visit with out us so he could spend some time with them (having our whole family go could turn into quite a production). but he struggles. he wants to remember them the way they were. he doesn't want to see them in this weak and vulnerable state. believe me, I get that...but that has to make them feel lonely and sad, like they aren't valuable anymore.
I wish things were like in the old days, where family took care of their elders. and if certain family couldn't, others could. like how I wanted to help my parents, but they felt it was their burden to carry and how Brendan's mom and her siblings can't care for them, for various reasons, but I could...I know I am romanticizing the whole thing I am sure, it's work taking care of people who are grown but need constant help like small children. I just wish it was more the norm instead of looking to strangers and institutions.
I remember writing about my Grammy. I didn't grow up with Brendan's grandparents, but there is a part of me that wants to run to the rescue. I want to go stay with them and take care of them so they don't have to be separated or in a facility where they don't know anyone and are lonely. But, even more then it wasn't my responsibly in my grandmother's case, it isn't my place. Their kids are making the decisions and the choices for them. but it hurts my heart.
these wonderful people helped raise my husband and were like his parents when his mom had to work 3 jobs. particularly his grandfather was his father figure as his father wasn't around. Brendan is having a hard time. I offered to have him go out to OKC and visit with out us so he could spend some time with them (having our whole family go could turn into quite a production). but he struggles. he wants to remember them the way they were. he doesn't want to see them in this weak and vulnerable state. believe me, I get that...but that has to make them feel lonely and sad, like they aren't valuable anymore.
I wish things were like in the old days, where family took care of their elders. and if certain family couldn't, others could. like how I wanted to help my parents, but they felt it was their burden to carry and how Brendan's mom and her siblings can't care for them, for various reasons, but I could...I know I am romanticizing the whole thing I am sure, it's work taking care of people who are grown but need constant help like small children. I just wish it was more the norm instead of looking to strangers and institutions.
Monday, January 03, 2011
the one with the goals...
so, I didn't lose a hundred pounds last year. but I did lose and consistently keep off about 15lbs. that's a start, right? I mean, the fact that I really lost that weight in the first 3 months of the year and then ended the year at about that same place, means I must be doing something a little right. I do wish it was more, but honestly, I didn't do much after those first 3 months to really lose weight. so, I am back at it again, starting with a fresh attitude of changing some things to create better habits. I have had some good habits this year, and some I need to work on. snacking is huge right now, coming off Christmas and family, we were always eating. I didn't weigh myself today, I forgot when I got up and of course have eaten. I will weigh tomorrow and then try to keep it to Mondays.
my plan is to go back to the green smoothies for breakfast and then include lots of fruits and veggies if I feel snacky instead of chocolate and cookies and such that I have been snacking on the last month. I still cook well, with good quality fats and grass fed meats and we get fresh milk and eggs. I have some saved veggies and apples from the farm and am trying to come up with good meals made from those. so that is good, just less junky snacks that have taken over my life the last month would be great.
I also want to work in some exercise. I haven't officially decided, but I am thinking I will ride my stationary bike for at least one 10 min period per day or I just read about this walking challenge. that sounds doable. and I agree with her reasoning...I need to take more care to care for myself. I am not being selfish, but my health affects the rest of the family. I also would like to get back to the Biggest Loser video I was doing at the beginning of last year, maybe 3 times a week.
so, also, I may list out my menu plan or I might post what I did eat, not sure yet. today I had a green smoothie for breakfast with peaches, strawberries, yogurt, milk, spinach and a touch of honey. but then I was cleaning out the fridge and came across some things left from last week that I had forgotten about and I ate some, mainly a sweet bread and so good! then I had some chocolate left in my stocking and I figured I should get rid of that before I get started buckling down. I ended up having lunch of tortilla with a little butter and cheese on it.
so far today hasn't gone so well, that's why I decided I needed to come here and post something about the goals so I have something to look at to keep me accountable. tonight I am making butternut squash soup with some garlic bread. not too bad if I go easy on the bread :)
tomorrow is smoothie for breakfast, similar to today. lunch is going to be homemade chicken nuggets and carrots. dinner is probably going to be steak with beets and corn.
in other goals...we started back to our lessons today. mainly basics as I re evaluate where everyone is and what needs to happen next. we did a laid back study of the orchestra and a short history of several composers in Dec instead of our regular core subjects. I still want to finish that this month since there is more in depth on each instrument that we didn't get to. I also plan to do some study of artists this semester and maybe over the whole year. Oh and I signed us up to participate in this Amazon study. since we have been studying geography I thought this would be a great way to start off the new year.
well, just some of the goals I have been mulling over. there may be more to mention soon, but that gets me started.
my plan is to go back to the green smoothies for breakfast and then include lots of fruits and veggies if I feel snacky instead of chocolate and cookies and such that I have been snacking on the last month. I still cook well, with good quality fats and grass fed meats and we get fresh milk and eggs. I have some saved veggies and apples from the farm and am trying to come up with good meals made from those. so that is good, just less junky snacks that have taken over my life the last month would be great.
I also want to work in some exercise. I haven't officially decided, but I am thinking I will ride my stationary bike for at least one 10 min period per day or I just read about this walking challenge. that sounds doable. and I agree with her reasoning...I need to take more care to care for myself. I am not being selfish, but my health affects the rest of the family. I also would like to get back to the Biggest Loser video I was doing at the beginning of last year, maybe 3 times a week.
so, also, I may list out my menu plan or I might post what I did eat, not sure yet. today I had a green smoothie for breakfast with peaches, strawberries, yogurt, milk, spinach and a touch of honey. but then I was cleaning out the fridge and came across some things left from last week that I had forgotten about and I ate some, mainly a sweet bread and so good! then I had some chocolate left in my stocking and I figured I should get rid of that before I get started buckling down. I ended up having lunch of tortilla with a little butter and cheese on it.
so far today hasn't gone so well, that's why I decided I needed to come here and post something about the goals so I have something to look at to keep me accountable. tonight I am making butternut squash soup with some garlic bread. not too bad if I go easy on the bread :)
tomorrow is smoothie for breakfast, similar to today. lunch is going to be homemade chicken nuggets and carrots. dinner is probably going to be steak with beets and corn.
in other goals...we started back to our lessons today. mainly basics as I re evaluate where everyone is and what needs to happen next. we did a laid back study of the orchestra and a short history of several composers in Dec instead of our regular core subjects. I still want to finish that this month since there is more in depth on each instrument that we didn't get to. I also plan to do some study of artists this semester and maybe over the whole year. Oh and I signed us up to participate in this Amazon study. since we have been studying geography I thought this would be a great way to start off the new year.
well, just some of the goals I have been mulling over. there may be more to mention soon, but that gets me started.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas busyness
I love this time of year so much but this year the one thing missing is the snow! we have had only one snow with any accumulation and our temperatures have been so high! We are still busy though. Megan just had her dance recital tonight. It was beautiful! She did wonderful and was so pretty! And I love watching all the other dancers as well. The whole program is just great!
I still have shopping to do and projects to finish. but I have been sick for 2 weeks and finally starting to feel better though not 100% yet. I just want to be back to normal so I can get things ready for Brendan's family to come in just over a week! Mine will be here for the weekend, so I have some things to get ready before then too .
well, guess bedtime is calling and here is to feeling better and getting more done!
I still have shopping to do and projects to finish. but I have been sick for 2 weeks and finally starting to feel better though not 100% yet. I just want to be back to normal so I can get things ready for Brendan's family to come in just over a week! Mine will be here for the weekend, so I have some things to get ready before then too .
well, guess bedtime is calling and here is to feeling better and getting more done!
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
the one with the coffee and voting
I don't know if I have mentioned what an addiction I have to Starbucks pumpkin spice frappuccinos, but it is a major addiction! I just have to have them, everyday~though I don't have them every day, but I want to. I do have them several times a week. I know they are bad, really bad. Expensive and high in calories and not to mention the ingredients that I have been fighting to remove from my diet for more then a year. but I have given myself permission as a treat, since the rest of my diet is pretty clean. but I go overboard, I know it.
I have been trying to come up with different replacements and restrictions. I am letting myself have one on every other Friday (which is pay day) and then I have been trying to drink more hot spiced cider to get some of the same flavor that I crave. I use organic apple cider and mulling spices. and I love the flavor. it has been hard though since our weather has been so hot!
this morning I made coffee for my husband before work and I decided to experiment... I had some cream off our milk and I added a spoonful of pumpkin puree and then a sprinkle of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves. I added that to my coffee and some cane sugar...I was fabulous!!!! oh man, I am making up a bigger amount and keeping it in the fridge for the future, this will save me hundreds of dollars and probably a few calories as well!
also, a reminder...VOTE!! I did! I took the kids and explained the process (counts as civics ya know) it was an interesting time, the process was different this time, the voting machines were different. But I hope they learned something and know how important it is. I am hoping and praying for good outcomes :)
I have been trying to come up with different replacements and restrictions. I am letting myself have one on every other Friday (which is pay day) and then I have been trying to drink more hot spiced cider to get some of the same flavor that I crave. I use organic apple cider and mulling spices. and I love the flavor. it has been hard though since our weather has been so hot!
this morning I made coffee for my husband before work and I decided to experiment... I had some cream off our milk and I added a spoonful of pumpkin puree and then a sprinkle of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves. I added that to my coffee and some cane sugar...I was fabulous!!!! oh man, I am making up a bigger amount and keeping it in the fridge for the future, this will save me hundreds of dollars and probably a few calories as well!
also, a reminder...VOTE!! I did! I took the kids and explained the process (counts as civics ya know) it was an interesting time, the process was different this time, the voting machines were different. But I hope they learned something and know how important it is. I am hoping and praying for good outcomes :)
the one with all the candy
so, I am usually very conscience of what we eat around here. but that is hard to do on Halloween. So, I have let the kids have some freedom to eat some candy. They have made good choices and I am glad. I put a bowl out and said anything you don't want goes in there, and they actually put stuff in! and they continue to do it. sometimes trading but still putting stuff they don't want or won't eat in there. I told them today was the last day and it will go away.
My husband said someone at work yesterday told him they have a "halloween witch" that comes a few days after halloween. the kids pick 5 favorites and they set the rest on the porch and in the morning the "halloween witch" has replaced the candy with a toy! I think that is brilliant! I have tried to pay my kids for the candy, but I guess they are spoiled enough (and deprived enough of junk food) that the candy is more valuable. LOL My husband and I don't like the witch idea, but we are thinking of calling in the "harvest fairy" with a similar job description.
I am getting over the few days of poor nutrition provided by all that candy, but it's the tooth decay I am worried about. we have bad enough teeth around here anyway! hopefully I can convince them to be done today. I was even a little sick yesterday after indulging in a few treats from the throw away bowl. I finally threw it away this morning, the temptation was too great.
well, all in all a good fun time and now we are in NOVEMBER! wow time sure flies!
My husband said someone at work yesterday told him they have a "halloween witch" that comes a few days after halloween. the kids pick 5 favorites and they set the rest on the porch and in the morning the "halloween witch" has replaced the candy with a toy! I think that is brilliant! I have tried to pay my kids for the candy, but I guess they are spoiled enough (and deprived enough of junk food) that the candy is more valuable. LOL My husband and I don't like the witch idea, but we are thinking of calling in the "harvest fairy" with a similar job description.
I am getting over the few days of poor nutrition provided by all that candy, but it's the tooth decay I am worried about. we have bad enough teeth around here anyway! hopefully I can convince them to be done today. I was even a little sick yesterday after indulging in a few treats from the throw away bowl. I finally threw it away this morning, the temptation was too great.
well, all in all a good fun time and now we are in NOVEMBER! wow time sure flies!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
the one where I almost burn down our house
so, last night while I was writing that very depressing post, I had flicked on my crock pot which had a jar of yogurt warming in it, with plans to write a post, switch laundry and then turn it off. it needed to be on just long enough to get warm so it could stay warm all night. I had the jar wrapped in towels, and then in the crock pot then the pot was wrapped in a big towel, and I had a thermometer stuck in next to the jar and sticking out enough for me to see through the lid, so I could semi regulate the temp.
well, I put in some diapers to do a rinse cycle then I sat down to write that post (talk about being fortuitous, you know, about how I fail!) anyway, I then went and started the diapers on a soak, and then went to bed.
about 3am my husband woke me up and said he smelled something...we ran to the kitchen to fine the crock pot bubbling away and smoking! he took the outer towel off and the handles of the pot were melted! Bren took the lid off and smoke poured out so he put it back. in the jar you could see the milk boiling! we were afraid that the jar and or the crock would crack or even explode. the jar was capped so that was really our biggest fear. of course we turned the thing off and then I sat up to make sure nothing was on fire.
after it seemed the disaster was averted, I went to bed. this morning it is all cool so I took the towels out and they are burnt. the milk in the jar has separated and the solids are brown! yuck!
I could learn a lesson, but in the vein of my last post, I am going to mope and just commit never to use an appliance again!
well, I put in some diapers to do a rinse cycle then I sat down to write that post (talk about being fortuitous, you know, about how I fail!) anyway, I then went and started the diapers on a soak, and then went to bed.
about 3am my husband woke me up and said he smelled something...we ran to the kitchen to fine the crock pot bubbling away and smoking! he took the outer towel off and the handles of the pot were melted! Bren took the lid off and smoke poured out so he put it back. in the jar you could see the milk boiling! we were afraid that the jar and or the crock would crack or even explode. the jar was capped so that was really our biggest fear. of course we turned the thing off and then I sat up to make sure nothing was on fire.
after it seemed the disaster was averted, I went to bed. this morning it is all cool so I took the towels out and they are burnt. the milk in the jar has separated and the solids are brown! yuck!
I could learn a lesson, but in the vein of my last post, I am going to mope and just commit never to use an appliance again!
Friday, September 24, 2010
supermom...NOT!
I feel like a failure! I have so many ideals, in so many areas...and I am not even coming close to achieving any of it. I guess some might say my expectations are too high. well, I am not happy with mediocrity and I don't want to just do what everyone else does. Jesus said we are to be set apart from the world...right?
I have this idea of what a wife and mother is supposed to do. and that idea is kind of a new revelation that I have gotten from trying to find out what God's plan for me is. but I fall so short of what I think He wants and I don't know how to fit into that mold. not only that, but I am trying to model it for my daughters and, again, I fall short. and though this is sounding very self pitying and depressing right now, I am not trying to be very "poor me" about the whole thing. I am really trying to figure out what to do.
I want to be a good wife, a help meet. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife who rises early and stays up late, who makes good decisions and manages her household well. But I have very little energy and though I feel like my motivation is there, because I do want to be that good, it must not be since I can't find the energy to get off the couch and clean or cook or all the millions of other tasks that need done.
Oh I do cook, and sometimes well. but not all the time. and I do clean up, when we are having company. but not consistently. that is the problem. I can do it for a little while, but not consistently.
I read my bible or do a devotions or study, for a while...then I lose it. and the kids get Bible teaching and family devotions, sometimes. but that is so not the example I want to set. I want to raise my kids to love God and obey him and know in their hearts it is right! so why can't I?
And I wanted more kids, it is an ache on my heart. I would love a baby again. I would also love to adopt. but neither is an option because my husband says no. I wish he had the same philosophy I do, to let God decide. I feel like he is wrong to not let God have control. he sees it as being a good steward by not having more. But I know he also doesn't think I can handle it. I think, if I were a better house keeper and better at not losing my temper with the kids, maybe he would change his mind.
I want to be a godly wife, and obey my husband, but it makes me feel like I get no say in anything, and that what I think doesn't matter. and I feel guilty for thinking this way. is this just my sinful human nature?
well, mostly this is written to get my feelings out. to have a place to express it where I won't be judged for how I feel. I don't feel like I can talk to him about most of the things that I want, he just doesn't understand me.
I love him, and he loves me, and he is a good provider...I just wish we saw eye to eye on some stuff.and I wish I could be better, so he would be proud of me.
I have this idea of what a wife and mother is supposed to do. and that idea is kind of a new revelation that I have gotten from trying to find out what God's plan for me is. but I fall so short of what I think He wants and I don't know how to fit into that mold. not only that, but I am trying to model it for my daughters and, again, I fall short. and though this is sounding very self pitying and depressing right now, I am not trying to be very "poor me" about the whole thing. I am really trying to figure out what to do.
I want to be a good wife, a help meet. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife who rises early and stays up late, who makes good decisions and manages her household well. But I have very little energy and though I feel like my motivation is there, because I do want to be that good, it must not be since I can't find the energy to get off the couch and clean or cook or all the millions of other tasks that need done.
Oh I do cook, and sometimes well. but not all the time. and I do clean up, when we are having company. but not consistently. that is the problem. I can do it for a little while, but not consistently.
I read my bible or do a devotions or study, for a while...then I lose it. and the kids get Bible teaching and family devotions, sometimes. but that is so not the example I want to set. I want to raise my kids to love God and obey him and know in their hearts it is right! so why can't I?
And I wanted more kids, it is an ache on my heart. I would love a baby again. I would also love to adopt. but neither is an option because my husband says no. I wish he had the same philosophy I do, to let God decide. I feel like he is wrong to not let God have control. he sees it as being a good steward by not having more. But I know he also doesn't think I can handle it. I think, if I were a better house keeper and better at not losing my temper with the kids, maybe he would change his mind.
I want to be a godly wife, and obey my husband, but it makes me feel like I get no say in anything, and that what I think doesn't matter. and I feel guilty for thinking this way. is this just my sinful human nature?
well, mostly this is written to get my feelings out. to have a place to express it where I won't be judged for how I feel. I don't feel like I can talk to him about most of the things that I want, he just doesn't understand me.
I love him, and he loves me, and he is a good provider...I just wish we saw eye to eye on some stuff.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
HAPPY FALL!!!
Oh I am so excited it is finally fall. this is my favorite time of year! I love the pumpkin spice frappuccinos at Starbucks, I love pumpkin bread and soup and cool weather and colors on the trees and in my yard. An there is the snow...the first snow of the year is so magical.
I am such a little kid when it comes to this time of year. Between now and Christmas I am perfectly giddy!
We haven't been doing much formal learning around here lately. Bren is working the swing shift (2-10pm) and so our schedule is a bit off. We get up and hang out with dad for a while. I do any errands that need to be done with none or some of the kids, or else Bren does some business he can't usually do after work on rental houses, or some project around our house. Then the kids play more with dad and I make lunch or clean something. Dad heads to work after lunch and we read some books or do a computer game (educational of course). There is some book work, but not much :) and then some outside play, dinner and a movie before bed. And bed is a hard adjustment. I am not used to doing it alone.
So tomorrow will make it two weeks we have been on this schedule. And there is one week to go. Then he should get back to normal hours and we can get back into our normal routine. It has been interesting, and we are managing fine (better then if he was on the midnight shift) but still, I don't care for it and want normal hours back. Luckily he get the weekend off, last weekend he had to work Sunday.
Anyway, we are reading The Bronze Bow, doing art projects, decorating for fall, doing an online drawing class, baking cookies and muffins. then there is math, which I am trying to do with some "living" books and games, and they are reading some nature readers, some books on the senses, we read about China and planets. I guess things are progressing along. I think it is good to write this stuff out because when you are taking the life learning approach, it is easy to think you aren't doing any "school work".
well, that's all for now, but again I say HAPPY FALL!!
I am such a little kid when it comes to this time of year. Between now and Christmas I am perfectly giddy!
We haven't been doing much formal learning around here lately. Bren is working the swing shift (2-10pm) and so our schedule is a bit off. We get up and hang out with dad for a while. I do any errands that need to be done with none or some of the kids, or else Bren does some business he can't usually do after work on rental houses, or some project around our house. Then the kids play more with dad and I make lunch or clean something. Dad heads to work after lunch and we read some books or do a computer game (educational of course). There is some book work, but not much :) and then some outside play, dinner and a movie before bed. And bed is a hard adjustment. I am not used to doing it alone.
So tomorrow will make it two weeks we have been on this schedule. And there is one week to go. Then he should get back to normal hours and we can get back into our normal routine. It has been interesting, and we are managing fine (better then if he was on the midnight shift) but still, I don't care for it and want normal hours back. Luckily he get the weekend off, last weekend he had to work Sunday.
Anyway, we are reading The Bronze Bow, doing art projects, decorating for fall, doing an online drawing class, baking cookies and muffins. then there is math, which I am trying to do with some "living" books and games, and they are reading some nature readers, some books on the senses, we read about China and planets. I guess things are progressing along. I think it is good to write this stuff out because when you are taking the life learning approach, it is easy to think you aren't doing any "school work".
well, that's all for now, but again I say HAPPY FALL!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
life learning and being a morning person
we have read books on the Civil War this summer and they have been very interesting. over the next few weeks we will start in on some more "core" subjects. I am a huge fan of life learning and not starting or stopping for the "school year" (or even a "school day"). I want there to be no difference in living our life, and learning. I love this post and the book mentioned. I don't always know how to make sure math is worked in to that style, or even if it should be (in the traditional school sense).
I want my home to be permeated with Christ...past that it doesn't matter. I want the kids to read quality character building literature and know God's history of the world. this is what I have always wanted, but when you are trained to "do school", it is hard to change the mindset of it needing to be like how I did it in school. (I so wanted to be homeschooled, but my mom didn't want to. I think she would have been great at it.)
Anyway, what I am saying is that if the mindset of "school" is ingrained in us, because it's all we have known, then it is hard to grasp a different way of doing things, a different way to learn. My husband has a hard time grasping this different style of learning. He sees it as us not doing anything, because we don't have scheduled math time and desks with a black board and all that. And it's hard for me too, because I tend to go to the school model first and then as I think things through I realize that isn't what I want. This post is feeling rambley, and I am not sure I am making a point...
I guess I want us to have a very biblical model, where the disciples learned from being with Jesus. I want my kids to learn just by being with me. not planned grammar lesson, no recess and summer vacation. Just us living together and learning about God and life.
Unfortunately, that feels very much like doing nothing. So we have our grammar books and our math lessons. we read a lot, though not all the kids like it or like certain books chosen. The kids like tv and they like video games and they like the computer (who am I kidding, I like the computer too). And sometimes those things can become cumbersome to our learning. They become rewards for "getting through" our "school". and more often then I care to admit, my example is just that, "getting through" cooking, dishes, bedtime just so I can have my computer or tv time.
I want to have a more simple, quiet, flowing day, where learning just comes with being together, but I realize more then ever that that doesn't happen by itself. I have to purposely be about making learning opportunities in our day. And one thing I feel convicted of lately is getting up earlier. I am not a morning person and it is hard for me to get going, so usually the kids get their own breakfast and I sleep in.
But I know my day will be more smooth and I will have the energy to make good choices with my day as well as set a good example for my kids if I get up and spend time in the Word and get breakfast for the family. So that is my new goal.
Now for the hard part...implementing it. Because here is the thing, I am sinful and human and I want to sleep and I have a toddler who still doesn't sleep through the night, and she still comes to bed to nurse and if she has fallen asleep in my bed by morning, then why would I set and alarm to get up with the prospect of it waking her too? I better just sleep while she is sleeping. Boy I am good at this excuse thing!
I am still not 100% sure how to go about this, because more often then not, she is in my bed. And getting up early is kind of defeated if the whole house wakes up with me. And all but one of my kids are morning people too...which means I have to get up REALLY early to beat them! Which doesn't make this any easier of a trick...so I need to pray and I need to just implement a schedule and then see how it works and be willing to change it if needed. That is the only way to go.
(I will also post soon about that pesky tv/video game/computer problem)
I want my home to be permeated with Christ...past that it doesn't matter. I want the kids to read quality character building literature and know God's history of the world. this is what I have always wanted, but when you are trained to "do school", it is hard to change the mindset of it needing to be like how I did it in school. (I so wanted to be homeschooled, but my mom didn't want to. I think she would have been great at it.)
Anyway, what I am saying is that if the mindset of "school" is ingrained in us, because it's all we have known, then it is hard to grasp a different way of doing things, a different way to learn. My husband has a hard time grasping this different style of learning. He sees it as us not doing anything, because we don't have scheduled math time and desks with a black board and all that. And it's hard for me too, because I tend to go to the school model first and then as I think things through I realize that isn't what I want. This post is feeling rambley, and I am not sure I am making a point...
I guess I want us to have a very biblical model, where the disciples learned from being with Jesus. I want my kids to learn just by being with me. not planned grammar lesson, no recess and summer vacation. Just us living together and learning about God and life.
Unfortunately, that feels very much like doing nothing. So we have our grammar books and our math lessons. we read a lot, though not all the kids like it or like certain books chosen. The kids like tv and they like video games and they like the computer (who am I kidding, I like the computer too). And sometimes those things can become cumbersome to our learning. They become rewards for "getting through" our "school". and more often then I care to admit, my example is just that, "getting through" cooking, dishes, bedtime just so I can have my computer or tv time.
I want to have a more simple, quiet, flowing day, where learning just comes with being together, but I realize more then ever that that doesn't happen by itself. I have to purposely be about making learning opportunities in our day. And one thing I feel convicted of lately is getting up earlier. I am not a morning person and it is hard for me to get going, so usually the kids get their own breakfast and I sleep in.
But I know my day will be more smooth and I will have the energy to make good choices with my day as well as set a good example for my kids if I get up and spend time in the Word and get breakfast for the family. So that is my new goal.
Now for the hard part...implementing it. Because here is the thing, I am sinful and human and I want to sleep and I have a toddler who still doesn't sleep through the night, and she still comes to bed to nurse and if she has fallen asleep in my bed by morning, then why would I set and alarm to get up with the prospect of it waking her too? I better just sleep while she is sleeping. Boy I am good at this excuse thing!
I am still not 100% sure how to go about this, because more often then not, she is in my bed. And getting up early is kind of defeated if the whole house wakes up with me. And all but one of my kids are morning people too...which means I have to get up REALLY early to beat them! Which doesn't make this any easier of a trick...so I need to pray and I need to just implement a schedule and then see how it works and be willing to change it if needed. That is the only way to go.
(I will also post soon about that pesky tv/video game/computer problem)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
busy
that is the only word that describes our summer...busy! I thought July would be quieter, but we still had trips to see my parents in Wyoming and we finished the summer reading program and I had a girls weekend away with some friends...phew!
then to start off this month we went to a family reunion event in Beulah, CO and it was so fun!! but again, wow...more travelling! And later this month Brendan has his business trip, then we go camping Labor Day weekend.
so, I have maintained some weight loss this summer, but haven't lost any more. I guess that is good and bad. I am so glad I didn't gain it all back (and more) but disappointed I couldn't lose more. I have had these busy times which I would have thought would lead to some lose, but I think since all the busy times are us travelling, we eat out a lot and so then when we are home and eating well, I am so tired I am not very active!
and so I am just plugging along and trying my best to stay balanced. I do need to move more though!
So, back to it! Today I am 274.6lbs. not much has changed in my eating philosophy...so I need to get moving. I will post later on some ideas I have for doing so.
then to start off this month we went to a family reunion event in Beulah, CO and it was so fun!! but again, wow...more travelling! And later this month Brendan has his business trip, then we go camping Labor Day weekend.
so, I have maintained some weight loss this summer, but haven't lost any more. I guess that is good and bad. I am so glad I didn't gain it all back (and more) but disappointed I couldn't lose more. I have had these busy times which I would have thought would lead to some lose, but I think since all the busy times are us travelling, we eat out a lot and so then when we are home and eating well, I am so tired I am not very active!
and so I am just plugging along and trying my best to stay balanced. I do need to move more though!
So, back to it! Today I am 274.6lbs. not much has changed in my eating philosophy...so I need to get moving. I will post later on some ideas I have for doing so.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
crazy dayz of summer
WOW! this has been one whirlwind of a month! We have been travelling so much this month with 2 camping trips, an out of state wedding and some time at a mountain condo with family...boy am I tired!
We just got back from most of that being in this last week, so I am beat and trying to get back into my routines. Lots of laundry to do and library books to return, and we are back to our Civil war book study as well. It's going great!
I still have lots to do in the next month for our summer school, but lots less travel. I will probably take a trip to see some girlfriends for a couple of days, but that is it. The rest of the time we are going to do some swimming, relaxing, reading for the summer reading program and just be together.
now I'm off to pull weeds, switch laundry and make a grocery run! guess the crazyness continues! :)
We just got back from most of that being in this last week, so I am beat and trying to get back into my routines. Lots of laundry to do and library books to return, and we are back to our Civil war book study as well. It's going great!
I still have lots to do in the next month for our summer school, but lots less travel. I will probably take a trip to see some girlfriends for a couple of days, but that is it. The rest of the time we are going to do some swimming, relaxing, reading for the summer reading program and just be together.
now I'm off to pull weeds, switch laundry and make a grocery run! guess the crazyness continues! :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
weigh in and summer school
wow, I haven't done a regular Tuesday morning weigh in in quite a while. I have had quite a spring! Lots going on and lots to think about, that my weigh loss has gotten pushed to a back burner. not totally lost, but definitely not been my focus with my grandmother's death and funeral and the vacations we took just before that. WOW!
Well, though I gained during vacation, I have lost 3.6 of those pounds since the last time I weighed in. Though it has been a couple of weeks, I am thankful for a step in the right direction. I am hoping to focus more on my eating and exercising again now that things are shifting to a slower pace as summer approaches.
We school through the summer so there will be no last day, but we are finishing up some things that we won't continue in the summer. My daughter (10) will finish up some math and language books this week. My son (12) will do math through the summer because we have had some struggles with getting him to do the work without checking the back of the book for answers. Then we will all do a Civil war book study over the summer. I am very excited about it and so grateful for that resource. Unfortunately we can't go visit the sites like they can, but my parents are going back east to some of those areas and I asked them to grab photos, postcards or other fun things if they can. I ordered many of the books from the library and am choosing to buy a few that I think would be good contributions to our library here at home. I have adapted some of the readings for my ages, as my oldest is only 12. I will be reading Uncle Tom's cabin, but most likely I won't be reading it to them. I am using mostly the everyone, littles and middles books. I am also adding the American girl Addy books since my daughter has them, hasn't read them yet, and loves the series.
I am hoping this will be a fun study at a slow easy pace. we will also be camping some this summer as well as swimming at my grandfather's pool.
see what others weighed in at, and what they are thankful for
Well, though I gained during vacation, I have lost 3.6 of those pounds since the last time I weighed in. Though it has been a couple of weeks, I am thankful for a step in the right direction. I am hoping to focus more on my eating and exercising again now that things are shifting to a slower pace as summer approaches.
We school through the summer so there will be no last day, but we are finishing up some things that we won't continue in the summer. My daughter (10) will finish up some math and language books this week. My son (12) will do math through the summer because we have had some struggles with getting him to do the work without checking the back of the book for answers. Then we will all do a Civil war book study over the summer. I am very excited about it and so grateful for that resource. Unfortunately we can't go visit the sites like they can, but my parents are going back east to some of those areas and I asked them to grab photos, postcards or other fun things if they can. I ordered many of the books from the library and am choosing to buy a few that I think would be good contributions to our library here at home. I have adapted some of the readings for my ages, as my oldest is only 12. I will be reading Uncle Tom's cabin, but most likely I won't be reading it to them. I am using mostly the everyone, littles and middles books. I am also adding the American girl Addy books since my daughter has them, hasn't read them yet, and loves the series.
I am hoping this will be a fun study at a slow easy pace. we will also be camping some this summer as well as swimming at my grandfather's pool.
see what others weighed in at, and what they are thankful for
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Mother's Day loss
My grandmother died on mother's day. I got a call as I was ditching church, laying in bed reading and painting my nails. My parent's said she wasn't breathing well, that's all they knew. She had been in a nursing home for two years and was doing just fine. (we found out later she choked on some food, aspirated and there was a DNR so they couldn't do anything for her) But I knew I had to go to her. I thought I would make it. I dressed, packed a bag and waited for my husband to get home from church. Then I drove 2 hours to where she was in the nursing home. When I arrived I was still sure I'd made it in time. As I walked up to the building one of my cousins was coming out and she told me it was too late. I cried. I couldn't believe I missed her. I went to her room where my aunts and uncle were around her bed and I had missed it by five minutes. I sobbed! I was present when my maternal grandmother passed away and somehow it was important to me to be here too. but I was late. I kept going over it in my head, if I had not waited for my husband to come home, or if I had not stopped to fill up a water bottle before I left, or if I had sped, or taken a different route, what if I hadn't stopped for lunch on my way? I sobbed and sobbed.
My Grammy was 90 years old. She had been getting progressively more senile for 10 years, the last few were the worst. There was such a conflict in me over her well being and my parents which I wrote about here. But to know she is gone, it is so final. I have had such a torrent of emotion over the last week and a half. Her funeral was on Friday. We went to Pueblo and stayed a few nights in a hotel. we should have stayed with my cousin, but we hadn't seen each other in 10 years and it seemed weird. In retrospect we should have just done it. But it was great to be with family. To reconnect with them. I am so sentimental and sappy. I love them and was glad to be with them, even if it took this sad time to bring us together.
I miss my Grammy. I have missed her for a long time. But it is final and she is gone, and I have been feeling like I don't have enough memories, enough pictures, and I just want to hang on so tightly to the ones I have. I am overwhelmed with my emotion and distress of the last week and then I go a day with out crying and I wonder if I have forgotten. Or I feel cold and uncaring that I can't cry today.
I was so blessed to be loved by her. And I never want her forgotten!
My Grammy was 90 years old. She had been getting progressively more senile for 10 years, the last few were the worst. There was such a conflict in me over her well being and my parents which I wrote about here. But to know she is gone, it is so final. I have had such a torrent of emotion over the last week and a half. Her funeral was on Friday. We went to Pueblo and stayed a few nights in a hotel. we should have stayed with my cousin, but we hadn't seen each other in 10 years and it seemed weird. In retrospect we should have just done it. But it was great to be with family. To reconnect with them. I am so sentimental and sappy. I love them and was glad to be with them, even if it took this sad time to bring us together.
I miss my Grammy. I have missed her for a long time. But it is final and she is gone, and I have been feeling like I don't have enough memories, enough pictures, and I just want to hang on so tightly to the ones I have. I am overwhelmed with my emotion and distress of the last week and then I go a day with out crying and I wonder if I have forgotten. Or I feel cold and uncaring that I can't cry today.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
TWO
WOW~ it has been two whole years since we welcomed this little miracle into our family. At the time I knew she'd be the last. Right now she still is, though with each passing day, as I see her growing up, I long for another baby to hold. As she runs farther from me and spends more time playing big kid games, I remember the early days and how tiny she was (though she was my biggest at 10lbs 13oz). I want more babies, but I haven't convinced my husband of that :) and so for now I have to watch as my baby learns to climb and jump, as she mimics older siblings and asserts her independence. She is such a joy! Her smile lights up a room and when she laughs, you can't help but laugh along...it is truly contagious.
Two years has flown by. I am so blessed that I get to be her mom. I don't feel worthy of it.
Two years has flown by. I am so blessed that I get to be her mom. I don't feel worthy of it.
Happy Birthday Emma!
Thursday, May 06, 2010
weighing in after vacation
Well, we went on vacation for almost 2 weeks and I gained a little over 5 lbs! I was afraid it would happen. See, this is the part of this journey that is hardest for me to wrap my mind around...eating with other people who eat the SAD (Standard American Diet). I don't eat that way anymore. And though I am losing slowly, I am losing. We eat differently but when we are with family we have to eat what they are eating, mostly processed foods with a slew of artificial preservatives, colors and flavors. I know we can't be perfect all the time, but after eating that way for almost 2 weeks, it did reek some havoc on my body and I gained weight. And WOW did I feel horrible. I felt bloated and irritable and sluggish. I had forgotten. Oh and since there were 3 birthdays celebrated in that time, I at so much store bought cake full of nasty ingredients, but let me tell you, after the very first bite, I craved it! I couldn't get enough of that frosting! I really made myself sick on it. bleck!
So, this week I am happily back to eating well now that we are home. It has been hard because I am coming off that processed stuff and kind of detoxing. I have had a headache and felt kind of tired this week, but am so glad to be back on real food!.
I have more trips with family coming up this summer. They will be shorter, but I still worry about the food. I don't like feeling like my body is on this roller coaster, and I don't like gaining weight so quickly that it took me so long to lose. I wish I knew how to balance this better. How to be around people who don't eat this way, and not offend them, but eat better. And it isn't really about educating them on the subject (though I'd like to spread my knowledge) but it is about not losing ground in my journey and keeping my body functioning at it's best.
but for now I will just get back to normal and hope my body will release those pounds quicker this time.
So, this week I am happily back to eating well now that we are home. It has been hard because I am coming off that processed stuff and kind of detoxing. I have had a headache and felt kind of tired this week, but am so glad to be back on real food!.
I have more trips with family coming up this summer. They will be shorter, but I still worry about the food. I don't like feeling like my body is on this roller coaster, and I don't like gaining weight so quickly that it took me so long to lose. I wish I knew how to balance this better. How to be around people who don't eat this way, and not offend them, but eat better. And it isn't really about educating them on the subject (though I'd like to spread my knowledge) but it is about not losing ground in my journey and keeping my body functioning at it's best.
but for now I will just get back to normal and hope my body will release those pounds quicker this time.
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