the one with the silence

I have not written here in a very long time.  last I updated we were in the beginning of some very long waits.  I was angry at the system... I still am. but I had to take a break from sharing.  I still stalk all facebook adoption boards to keep up on timelines and any and all tips about travel, adoption and of course getting to know your child.

but I was finding myself so focused on how bad the system was ...is...and I wanted to change things!  I was angry that everyone's answers were just...that's the way it is...everyone goes through this...hang in there...

you see, the problem is, you do what you have to, pay what you have to....and when you get your child you are so happy, you don't look back. it's over. phew...

I knew as angry as I was, that would be me too.  who has time to fight the system?  or the energy? or the know how?

I had to pull back and try hard to focus on the next thing.  and sometimes the next thing was just getting through our schoolwork.  sometimes it was planning meals, or a trip or simply holding my babies tight....sometimes it was crying ...

so, a lot has gone on since I went silent...

we got our I800a approval on march 5th I think. then lots of paper trading and finally our paperwork was sent to China (DTC) 4/1.

then it took 24...yes 24 loooong days for us to be logged in to the system.  you see you can't officially start your wait for approval until you are logged in (LID). that happened on 4/24.

then a whopping 26 days for us to be out of translation (OOT). once you are OOT you are "in review". and there we remain.

it has been 67 days since LID. the averages are 44-88 days the agency keeps reminding me.  so we are in the normal range.  this somehow doesn't comfort me.

no, what I think about is a little girl, waking up right about now. with no one to delight in her. no one to help her greet the day and all its potential, and her potential.... I think of how lonely that must be. and when I wake up tomorrow, on day 68...I will be thinking of a little girl who has to go to bed with out the prayers of a mother who loves her and asks God's protection and guidance for her as she sleeps and dreams.

my heart breaks each and every day for this little girl who doesn't even know she is missing these things.

I am still angry at the process, but now I am just an aching heart desperately waiting for each next step to get me closer to showing this precious girl she is not forgotten by the God who made her...she is loved...she is wanted...and she is saved!

the one with some progress

we finally see a bit of movement as we got our pre-immigration filing sent in Jan 21st.  their official receipts date is the 23rd.  now, when we started, we were told that could take up to 3months to be approved.  but we got a call from our home study agency on Tuesday and she said she talked with someone at immigration on Monday who said they are running about 5weeks!!  that is such great news!  no guarantee, but, much sooner then expected! 

so looking ahead I think we will travel to China in July, though it could be June if things keep going fast!

China's approval still seems to be running around 60days...but I know with lots of prayer, if GOD will allow, we can get that faster :)

I also want to say, that although I kick and scream that I want this to go faster and things frustrate me along the way...I know I am not in control...GOD IS!  He's got this.  we will not get this darling one minute before or after HE has ordained!  Does that mean I can't wish it was different or be sad when my desires aren't coming true?  NO!  Does that mean I can't want to change the legal processes?  NO!   as long as I continue to go to God in prayer with a humble, trusting spirit... I can ask Him for what I want, but be accepting of the perfect timing.

and so we continue to wait and love her from afar...

love this smile!

the one where I'm a blubbering mess

I knew there was a lot of waiting in the adoption process.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew there would be times I would be upset by the waiting....what I didn't know is that it would be during this part of the process.

when we started, brendan and I said we would do whatever it takes to do the things dependent on us as fast as possible. we wanted our part to be done as fast as we can because we knew those on the other end of the equation don't have the same sense of urgency we do.  so if we could do our part quickly it would, theoretically, shorten our wait...even a little.

our initial application documents and medical exams and fingerprinting was complete in 3weeks, which they say is fast. we waited on brendan's employment letter the longest. then the home study visits got moved up...GREAT!  then we spent a long month waiting on someone to review it.  IT SHOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN THAT LONG! then we got to review it...I thought that was it and in a matter of days we could send off for the immigration approval I had heard takes so long.


WRONG!

the state had to approve it, that took 2weeks.  at the same time our primary adoption agency had to review it.  they finished today...and they have revisions!  meaning the social worker has to re write some things, maybe question us again!  she says she hopes to have it done by MONDAY!  we already hold state approval...that should be enough!  this review process is bordering on the ludicrous!!!!!!!!!  

crying...lots of crying gone on in the last 2 weeks...month...LOTS!   and no one cares.  all I get from anyone in the process is...everyone has to wait, it's part of the process...hang in there...

this is not ok! it should not be...but we tolerate it because we have to...there has to be a way to change this...there HAS to!  I am paying A LOT of money to these agencies to do this service for ME!  there should be a way to demand their timely review and completion. they work for me...right? 

apparently not. because according to them, I have to tolerate the wait, and it upsets them when you question why it's been so long.

I'm a mess...this isn't right...it just isn't right!

the one with the pre-approval

 it is our pleasure to FINALLY introduce our sweet girl to the world!

we got our PA this morning and are so excited because now we are allowed to share some pictures.  We still can not disclose her full chinese name until we have our official approval, but at this point we are planning on calling her Sarah.

 

she seems like such a little ham, and we do have a video (which I may post at a later date) in which she is making these silly faces as she reads and we feel like she may have a bit of a sassy side :)

we are waiting now to be able to file our pre approval with immigration, that should go out this week.

thank you everyone who is praying for our journey...we are so grateful!  we now pray for quick approvals by immigration (i800a) and then by the chinese government on our official acceptance (called LOA)

at this point I think we could be traveling in June, or sooner if the approvals come quickly :)

the one with the patience

it has been a long couple of months.  the things I thought we would breeze through for the adoption took longer then I expected. (makes me nervous for how long it will take for the things that usually take a long time)  the home study visits went quickly but the writing and reviewing has taken sooooo long!  finally on dec30 we got to review it ourselves and sign off on it.  now it goes for approval from Dillon (our placing agency) then the state.  then we can finally send it to immigration for their pre-approval!  sheesh!  and in the mean time we are sending in a letter of intent (LOI) to China for pre-approval (PA).  that should only take a couple of weeks while the US pre-approval takes up to 2months!!  uggg!  this is so frustrating! 

please pray with us that these approvals come faster then average.

so, I will TRY to be patient as we wait for all these things.  we will begin some adoption education in Feb.  at least that will make me feel like I am doing something towards the goal.

fundraising isn't going so well as I had hoped either....  and that's fine.  we know God will provide.  I think brendan may get to work a bit of overtime in the next month or so, so that will help.  we have gotten one donation so far, which we are so grateful for.  we will be starting to build our puzzle with that donation. 

I have been collecting spare change in a half gallon jar.  it's almost full.  I can't wait to take it in and see how much it is.  I deal mostly in cash so I just take any and all change I get and dump it in the bottom of my purse, then when I get home I dump that in the jar :)

it would be great, if anyone else out there deals in cash and wants to join me in filling a jar, we'd love the support :)  I'd be happy to give you a big jar like mine or you can just use any jar you have.

the one with the fundraising

as I've said before...we don't want to ask for money.  but this process is very expensive. and we know God will provide all we need...but it might be through you that He does that. we know so many people out there might have a heart for orphans, but not know quite how to help... 

there are big organizations, and I have donated to them before.  there are some good ones, but I always wonder how the money is used and I'd like to be more connected, invested.  I love donating when I know it's going to help someone follow God's plan!

some fund raisers involve buying something and the person who is raising money gets a tiny portion of the price.  I always feel like my money would be put to better use if I just gave the $20 to the family instead of buying a t-shirt that will sit in my closet and they only get $5.

 but that's just me.

 I think everyone is different.  I want to just donate, but some people want some thing in return for their "donation".  and that's ok, that is why there are so many options!

so, because everyone is different, we will be having some different fundraisers.


we have decided our first fundraiser will be purely donation based.  it is fairly simple and something that we will do for a long time...

the puzzle fundraiser.

how this works is that we have this beautiful 500 piece puzzle of a pagoda and plumb blossoms...

and for a $10 donation, you can be a piece of the puzzle that brings our sweet girl home to us. we will write your name on the back of a puzzle piece and start building it.  I will give updated pictures as we build so we can have a visual of how far we've come. Then when it's complete we will frame it in a double sided frame so we can see all the names on the back and remember all the wonderful support we have received from friends and family.  then we will hang the finished puzzle in our home so we can have that reminder always! if we build the whole puzzle that is $5,000!  (the price of two plane tickets to China)

you can donate by cash or check, in person or by mail, as well as you can use paypal to give us a "personal gift" to my email address (chikkadea at gmail dot com).  you can buy one piece or many. but anything helps us towards our goal!  If fund raisers aren't for you, don't worry...you can help just by praying for us and our journey....  it is hard!  but sooooo worth it!  and we thank each and every one of you for your love and support! so please, pray and ask God if you are meant to be a part of our puzzle.

we will have more fundraising opportunities to come...so stay tuned!!

the one with the home study

hi!  we had such a busy week here last week!  first we received an amazing update on our girl!  she looks so big in the new pictures and we even got a video!  I can't share them just yet since we haven't gotten our approval from China for her yet...but soon, I hope!  but we now know the other pictures we had were older because she looks so grown up!  we also learned some great news about her upbringing; for at least some of the last 7 years it is believed she was fostered through love without boundaries.  that is contradictory to what the initial report we got said, but all the pictures and the video was done by them, so I am inclined to believe they have been involved.  this is great news as it means she was probably well cared for!

so, next, we had our first home study visit last week!  FINALLY!  I feel like we should be past this point by now so it has been frustrating feeling like we are moving so slowly.  I keep having to remind myself....God's timing, not mine...

I was so nervous thought, wanting the house and the kids to just be perfect, I know they say not to worry about that, but I was ....but the visit went great! our social worker has adopted from China too so she has been in our shoes which I think is great. she also lived there for 4 years!  I think she will provide some great insights as we go along.  our next visits are not going to follow as quickly as I hoped either, our social worker is just too booked ... God's timing, not mine...but if you think about it please pray her schedule opens up and we can move the visits up :)

UPDATE: I had meant to post this yesterday but got distracted...today I got a call that the social worker had a cancellation and we are moving our visits up...we will be done with the home study by Thanksgiving!!! Praise the Lord!

the one with orphans

november is national adoption month....today was orphan sunday...

the church we go to did not even mention it!  and there are several adoptive families!  I was very disappointed.

I have so much I want to say but  she says it better...so does she.

my heart is aching today for my girl.

she is alone, abandoned, without a family. God has called us to be his hands and feet...all that stands in the way is several thousand miles...and lots of red tape!  I am so disheartened with how far we still have til we can even think about going to get our sweet daughter.

one of the hurdles we have is paying for this process.

as stated in the blogs above...maybe you aren't the one to bring a child home...maybe you are to be the pocketbook to others who are the hands and feet.  for years we have supported ministries we felt God leading us to, because that is something we could do for them at that time.

so, I encourage you to see if you are being asked to help support an orphan, and if helping us bring our girl home is one way God is nudging you, we would be so grateful.

I don't want to ask for money, but I know God has a plan and that HE will provide...maybe through you.

we will be conducting some fundraisers over the next few months. pray. see what God is asking from you and if you feel led, please consider helping us make a difference for one.

the one where I'm hijacked

 a little over a month ago, my thoughts were taken up with planning a trip to an apple farm, starting new school subjects and staying in my budget...then my life was hijacked!

wow! the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind.  we got our preliminary application approved to adopt through the agency where we saw that picture.  then the agency sent us a much more detailed secondary application. that took about 2 and a half weeks to complete and was quite involved!  now we are waiting on that approval to know if we can start the home study...which is supposed to be MORE INVOLVED! I mean, I don't know what more they want to know, I think they know everything!

but after that we will be able to ask specifically for the girl we want, and then I should be able to post some pictures of her.

we don't know right now how long this whole thing will take, I am thinking, maybe, about June, but we are hoping to have her by her birthday in August.  if things hurry along, I have recently heard stories of people getting their children in 7mo...that would put us in April.

please pray with us for fast moving in all the departments that need to move us through.

the one with the girl

so I have been feeling overwhelmingly pulled towards adoption in the last year.  I have frequently poured over waiting child websites just looking at orphans in need of families.  and I have cried.  my heart has been broken over and over for these children.  I feel like I have a good home and lots of love.  and then I am taken aback that I could dream of helping, it wouldn't make a difference, I can't adopt them all! I'd think, how can I pick one?  and leave the next?  how would I know which one would be the one?  how is it fair to the others I didn't pick? 

I often have a list of kids I am praying for and about saved in "MY" section on one of the adoption sites.  sometimes I'd show brendan a picture and tell the story.  he would look and make a few comments, but nothing indicating he was moved by that child...so I looked on...

then, about 2 weeks ago...I showed him a girl, I had seen her picture a few days earlier and stuck her in my "que" and prayed.  she was so beautiful!  and when I showed her to brendan,  he cried. 

we just knew...she's the one...

THE STARFISH POEM
Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean
to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking
on the beach
before he began his work.
One day he was walking along
the shore.
As he looked down the beach,
he saw a human
figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think
of someone who would
dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster
to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw
that it was a young man
and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching
down to the shore,
picking up something
and very gently throwing it
into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out,
"Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young man paused,
looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked,
why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out.
And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young man, don't you realize that
there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."

I know this poem is cliche in the adoption world...but it is profoundly true nonetheless...

one girl will know love, and family and bedtime stories and family vacations and dinner games....and Jesus 

God whispered in the dark...and we say yes

 

the one with the dream

in february of 2006 I had a dream...I was getting off an airplane, and at my side was a little girl with shiney black hair about shoulder length.  she had olive or light brown skin, dark eyes and she's holding my hand. she has on a dress with little flowers on it and a ribbon around the middle, tied in a big bow in the back and a white sweater. she is wearing a little backpack.

she is adopted, from where I don't know, but we are greated with lots of people as we get off the plane.

that's it.  I woke up that morning feeling like this was a message from God!  so I started looking into it.  I looked to guatemala, feeling strongly she would come from there.  I read books and searched the internet for information.  I was nervous to talk with brendan or family at first.  when I did approach the subject finally with brendan months later and then more seriously a year later, I got pregnant.  clearly God said wait.

as emma grew older I again felt the tug of my heart towards orphans...and again, I got pregnant.  clearly God was saying...not yet....

The one with the courage

I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into darkness...the unknown. God is asking me to step out!  I am so afraid!  I know He will be there, He is there now...guiding and directing my steps.  But I am afraid none the less.  Life changing things are coming and I know they are right and good...but "what ifs" and unknowns still haunt me...

what if we make the wrong decisions, what if we can't handle all this...I am already weary.  I love my life and my kids and all the things I believe are God's calling and direction on my life, but I am tired.  I need rest...rest in Him...deep breaths...

so here I stand on the cliff, and God says jump...am I ready?  can I handle it?  is it too much, too hard, too...crazy?

I am praying...crying out for clear answers...they are coming... but I still feel afraid...

maybe that's ok.  if I could do this on my own, with my own strength and understanding...well, it wouldn't be trust and love and sacrifice worthy of our Lord. if I could do it on my own, I wouldn't need Him...and He wants me to need Him...

so I trust and pray and love.....

The one where I come back....

I obviously gave up on this little blogging venture a while ago...WOW!  but I have some life changing things coming and want to be able to write about them for family and friends...and me :)

so, I will update this real quick before starting on the new stuff...

we have been on a cruise and had another baby since last I wrote.  really?  that's all that's changed??  hmmm...oh! I forgot, we bought a house in Beulah! and well, I guess that and we've added a new budding driver to the family...

for our fifteenth anniversary in june of 2011 brendan and I went to california and took a cruise for a week down to cabo san lucas and puerto vallarta.  it was amazing and so relaxing and fun! we went snorkeling and shopping and brendan got to zipline through the jungle!  we hope to do another cruise someday but maybe take the kids...we'll see :)

then I got pregnant after months of praying about letting God have control of our family size.  And little Micah James was born on April 26th, 2012. ok, not so little, he weighed 11lbs 6oz!!

of course he is big now...almost 18months!

our beautiful house in Beulah came to us in a round about way...we had talked for a couple of years about how fun it would be and we looked at this house across the street from grandad's. but it was out of our price range and we were in the middle of buying rentals, so it just wasn't possible.  well fast forward to june 2012 and brendan out of the blue says we should look to see if that house was still for sale...it was!!  we talked with the owner, a sweet old lady and she sold us the house for $50,000!  what a huge blessing as that was wahy under her original price.  we scraped up most the money and borrowed a little, and a year later we have it paid off!  we love it there, and though the house is small, we really all fit!  and have so much fun!

and jordan has grown so much! wow!  he now holds a learners permit and is becoming a fine driver.  my dad gave him grammie's old buick, so we are fixing it up and he will have that for his transportation! I can't find pictures so I'll wait to post more on that later.

we have some big things coming this year so I have decided to try to blog the coming journey.  hopefully I can record my thoughts and feelings along the way.

the one with the memories

so, Brendan's grandpa is being evaluated because he has a severe and quickly advancing dementia.  He talked with him on Christmas day and he was fine, and by new years he was in the hospital and didn't know anyone.  it's weird. I feel for the family, having to make tough decisions.  Brendan's grandmother is still fairly lucid but has physical needs and can't be by herself because of them. his mom is staying with her. so they are trying to place them in a facility together, but I know that can be hard with different needs.


I remember writing about my Grammy. I didn't grow up with Brendan's grandparents, but there is a part of me that wants to run to the rescue.  I want to go stay with them and take care of them so they don't have to be separated or in a facility where they don't know anyone and are lonely.  But, even more then it wasn't my responsibly in my grandmother's case, it isn't my place.  Their kids are making the decisions and the choices for them.  but it hurts my heart. 

these wonderful people helped raise my husband and were like his parents when his mom had to work 3 jobs.  particularly his grandfather was his father figure as his father wasn't around.  Brendan is having a hard time.  I offered to have him go out to OKC and visit with out us so he could spend some time with them (having our whole family go could turn into quite a production).  but he struggles.  he wants to remember them the way they were.  he doesn't want to see them in this weak and vulnerable state. believe me, I get that...but that has to make them feel lonely and sad, like they aren't valuable anymore.

I wish things were like in the old days, where family took care of their elders.  and if certain family couldn't, others could.  like how I wanted to help my parents, but they felt it was their burden to carry and how Brendan's mom and her siblings can't care for them, for various reasons, but I could...I know I am romanticizing the whole thing I am sure, it's work taking care of people who are grown but need constant help like small children.  I just wish it was more the norm instead of looking to strangers and institutions.

the one with the goals...

so, I didn't lose a hundred pounds last year. but I did lose and consistently keep off about 15lbs.  that's a start, right?  I mean, the fact that I really lost that weight in the first 3 months of the year and then ended the year at about that same place, means I must be doing something a little right.  I do wish it was more, but honestly, I didn't do much after those first 3 months to really lose weight.  so, I am back at it again, starting with a fresh attitude of changing some things to create better habits.  I have had some good habits this year, and some I need to work on.  snacking is huge right now, coming off Christmas and family, we were always eating.  I didn't weigh myself today, I forgot when I got up and of course have eaten.  I will weigh tomorrow and then try to keep it to Mondays.  


my plan is to go back to the green smoothies for breakfast and then include lots of fruits and veggies if I feel snacky instead of  chocolate and cookies and such that I have been snacking on the last month.  I still cook well, with good quality fats and grass fed meats and we get fresh milk and eggs.  I have some saved veggies and apples from the farm and am trying to come up with good meals made from those.  so that is good, just less junky snacks that have taken over my life the last month would be great.

I also want to work in some exercise.  I haven't officially decided, but I am thinking I will ride my stationary bike for at least one 10 min period per day or I just read about this walking challenge. that sounds doable. and I agree with her reasoning...I need to take more care to care for myself.  I am not being selfish, but my health affects the rest of the family.  I also would like to get back to the Biggest Loser video I was doing at the beginning of last year, maybe 3 times a week.

so, also, I may list out my menu plan or I might post what I did eat, not sure yet.  today I had a green smoothie for breakfast with peaches, strawberries, yogurt, milk, spinach and a touch of honey.  but then I was cleaning out the fridge and came across some things left from last week that I had forgotten about and I ate some, mainly a sweet bread and so good!  then I had some chocolate left in my stocking and I figured I should get rid of that before I get started buckling down.  I ended up having lunch of tortilla with a little butter and cheese on it.

so far today hasn't gone so well, that's why I decided I needed to come here and post something about the goals so I have something to look at to keep me accountable.  tonight I am making butternut squash soup with some garlic bread.  not too bad if I go easy on the bread :)

tomorrow is smoothie for breakfast, similar to today.  lunch is going to be homemade chicken nuggets and carrots. dinner is probably going to be steak with beets and corn.

in other goals...we started back to our lessons today.  mainly basics as I re evaluate where everyone is and what needs to happen next.  we did a laid back study of the orchestra and a short history of several composers in Dec instead of our regular core subjects.  I still want to finish that this month since there is more in depth on each instrument that we didn't get to.  I also plan to do some study of artists this semester and maybe over the whole year.  Oh and I signed us up to participate in this Amazon study. since we have been studying geography I thought this would be a great way to start off the new year.

well, just some of the goals I have been mulling over.  there may be more to mention soon, but that gets me started.

Christmas busyness

I love this time of year so much but this year the one thing missing is the snow!  we have had only one snow with any accumulation and our temperatures have been so high!  We are still busy though.  Megan just had her dance recital tonight.  It was beautiful!  She did wonderful and was so pretty!  And I love watching all the other dancers as well.  The whole program is just great!

I still have shopping to do and projects to finish.  but I have been sick for 2 weeks and finally starting to feel better though not 100% yet.  I just want to be back to normal so I can get things ready for Brendan's family to come in just over a week!  Mine will be here for the weekend, so I have some things to get ready before then too .


well, guess bedtime is calling and here is to feeling better and getting more done!

the one with the coffee and voting

I don't know if I have mentioned what an addiction I have to Starbucks pumpkin spice frappuccinos, but it is a major addiction!  I just have to have them, everyday~though I don't have them every day, but I want to.  I do have them several times a week.  I know they are bad, really bad.  Expensive and high in calories and not to mention the ingredients that I have been fighting to remove from my diet for more then a year.  but I have given myself permission as a treat, since the rest of my diet is pretty clean.  but I go overboard, I know it.

I have been trying to come up with different replacements and restrictions.  I am letting myself have one on every other Friday (which is pay day) and then I have been trying to drink more hot spiced cider to get some of the same flavor that I crave.  I use organic apple cider and mulling spices.  and I love the flavor.  it has been hard though since our weather has been so hot!

this morning I made coffee for my husband before work and I decided to experiment... I had some cream off our milk and I added a spoonful of pumpkin puree and then a sprinkle of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  I added that to my coffee and some cane sugar...I was fabulous!!!!  oh man, I am making up a bigger amount and keeping it in the fridge for the future, this will save me hundreds of dollars and probably a few calories as well!

also, a reminder...VOTE!!  I did! I took the kids and explained the process (counts as civics ya know) it was an interesting time, the process was different this time, the voting machines were different.  But I hope they learned something and know how important it is.  I am hoping and praying for good outcomes :)

the one with all the candy

so, I am usually very conscience of what we eat around here.  but that is hard to do on Halloween.  So, I have let the kids have some freedom to eat some candy.  They have made good choices and I am glad.  I put a bowl out and said anything you don't want goes in there, and they actually put stuff in!  and they continue to do it.  sometimes trading but still putting stuff they don't want or won't eat in there.  I told them today was the last day and it will go away.

My husband said someone at work yesterday told him they have a "halloween witch" that comes a few days after halloween.  the kids pick 5 favorites and they set the rest on the porch and in the morning the "halloween witch" has replaced the candy with a toy!  I think that is brilliant!  I have tried to pay my kids for the candy, but I guess they are spoiled enough (and deprived enough of junk food) that the candy is more valuable. LOL  My husband and I don't like the witch idea, but we are thinking of calling in the "harvest fairy" with a similar job description.

I am getting over the few days of poor nutrition provided by all that candy, but it's the tooth decay I am worried about. we have bad enough teeth around here anyway!  hopefully I can convince them to be done today.  I was even a little sick yesterday after indulging in a few treats from the throw away bowl.  I finally threw it away this morning, the temptation was too great.

well, all in all a good fun time and now we are in NOVEMBER!  wow time sure flies!

the one where I almost burn down our house

so, last night while I was writing that very depressing post, I had flicked on my crock pot which had a jar of yogurt warming in it, with plans to write a post, switch laundry and then turn it off.  it needed to be on just long enough to get warm so it could stay warm all night.  I had the jar wrapped in towels, and then in the crock pot then the pot was wrapped in a big towel, and I had a thermometer stuck in next to the jar and sticking out enough for me to see through the lid, so I could semi regulate the temp.


well, I put in some diapers to do a rinse cycle then I sat down to write that post (talk about being fortuitous, you know, about how I fail!) anyway, I then went and started the diapers on a soak, and then went to bed.

about 3am my husband woke me up and said he smelled something...we ran to the kitchen to fine the crock pot bubbling away and smoking!  he took the outer towel off and the handles of the pot were melted! Bren took the lid off and smoke poured out so he put it back.  in the jar you could see the milk boiling!  we were afraid that the jar and or the crock would crack or even explode.  the jar was capped so that was really our biggest fear.  of course we turned the thing off and then I sat up to make sure nothing was on fire. 

after it seemed the disaster was averted, I went to bed.  this morning it is all cool so I took the towels out and they are burnt.  the milk in the jar has separated and the solids are brown! yuck!

I could learn a lesson, but in the vein of my last post, I am going to mope and just commit never to use an appliance again!

supermom...NOT!

I feel like a failure!  I have so many ideals, in so many areas...and I am not even coming close to achieving any of it.  I guess some might say my expectations are too high.  well, I am not happy with mediocrity and  I don't want to just do what everyone else does.  Jesus said we are to be set apart from the world...right?

I have this idea of what a wife and mother is supposed to do.  and that idea is kind of a new revelation that I have gotten from trying to find out what God's plan for me is. but I fall so short of what I think He wants and I don't know how to fit into that mold.  not only that, but I am trying to model it for my daughters and, again, I fall short.  and though this is sounding very self pitying and depressing right now, I am not trying to be very "poor me" about the whole thing.  I am really trying to figure out what to do.

I want to be a good wife, a help meet. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife who rises early and stays up late, who makes good decisions and manages her household well.  But I have very little energy and though I feel like my motivation is there, because I do want to be that good, it must not be since I can't find the energy to get off the couch and clean or cook or all the millions of other tasks that need done.

Oh I do cook, and sometimes well.  but not all the time.  and I do clean up, when we are having company. but not consistently.  that is the problem.  I can do it for a little while, but not consistently.

I read my bible or do a devotions or study, for a while...then I lose it.  and the kids get Bible teaching and family devotions, sometimes.  but that is so not the example I want to set.  I want to raise my kids to love God and obey him and know in their hearts it is right!  so why can't I?

And I wanted more kids, it is an ache on my heart.  I would love a baby again. I would also love to adopt.  but neither is an option because my husband says no.  I wish he had the same philosophy I do, to let God decide.  I feel like he is wrong to not let God have control.  he sees it as being a good steward by not having more.  But I know he also doesn't think I can handle it.  I think, if I were a better house keeper and better at not losing my temper with the kids, maybe he would change his mind.

I want to be a godly wife, and obey my husband, but it makes me feel like I get no say in anything, and that what I think doesn't matter.  and I feel guilty for thinking this way.  is this just my sinful human nature?

well, mostly this is written to get my feelings out.  to have a place to express it where I won't be judged for how I feel.  I don't feel like I can talk to him about most of the things that I want,  he just doesn't understand me. 

I love him, and he loves me, and he is a good provider...I just wish we saw eye to eye on some stuff. and I wish I could be better, so he would be proud of me.