supermom...NOT!

I feel like a failure!  I have so many ideals, in so many areas...and I am not even coming close to achieving any of it.  I guess some might say my expectations are too high.  well, I am not happy with mediocrity and  I don't want to just do what everyone else does.  Jesus said we are to be set apart from the world...right?

I have this idea of what a wife and mother is supposed to do.  and that idea is kind of a new revelation that I have gotten from trying to find out what God's plan for me is. but I fall so short of what I think He wants and I don't know how to fit into that mold.  not only that, but I am trying to model it for my daughters and, again, I fall short.  and though this is sounding very self pitying and depressing right now, I am not trying to be very "poor me" about the whole thing.  I am really trying to figure out what to do.

I want to be a good wife, a help meet. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife who rises early and stays up late, who makes good decisions and manages her household well.  But I have very little energy and though I feel like my motivation is there, because I do want to be that good, it must not be since I can't find the energy to get off the couch and clean or cook or all the millions of other tasks that need done.

Oh I do cook, and sometimes well.  but not all the time.  and I do clean up, when we are having company. but not consistently.  that is the problem.  I can do it for a little while, but not consistently.

I read my bible or do a devotions or study, for a while...then I lose it.  and the kids get Bible teaching and family devotions, sometimes.  but that is so not the example I want to set.  I want to raise my kids to love God and obey him and know in their hearts it is right!  so why can't I?

And I wanted more kids, it is an ache on my heart.  I would love a baby again. I would also love to adopt.  but neither is an option because my husband says no.  I wish he had the same philosophy I do, to let God decide.  I feel like he is wrong to not let God have control.  he sees it as being a good steward by not having more.  But I know he also doesn't think I can handle it.  I think, if I were a better house keeper and better at not losing my temper with the kids, maybe he would change his mind.

I want to be a godly wife, and obey my husband, but it makes me feel like I get no say in anything, and that what I think doesn't matter.  and I feel guilty for thinking this way.  is this just my sinful human nature?

well, mostly this is written to get my feelings out.  to have a place to express it where I won't be judged for how I feel.  I don't feel like I can talk to him about most of the things that I want,  he just doesn't understand me. 

I love him, and he loves me, and he is a good provider...I just wish we saw eye to eye on some stuff. and I wish I could be better, so he would be proud of me.