the one with us home

so, I know it has been nearly 2 weeks since we got home...and no update. sorry.

we got home on friday the 26th after a long day of travel and no sleep.  we were greeted by our wonderful kids and my amazing parents who took care of the littles while we were gone...2 and a half weeks!  whew!  needless to say they said their hi's and goodbyes and booked it outta here quick as possible ;)

our wonderful friends left us dinner and a fun decorated house with welcome home signs and all. we are so blessed by everyone in our lives.  we had some people from our church set up a meal train for us and many have been bringing us meals almost every night since we got home.  I didn't think I needed it but jet lag was a bear and I am glad to have had the break.

Sarah went through the house and we showed her everything.  she scoffed at the western toilet (sorry kid!) but was happy to see the rooms and bed from the pictures we sent.  she knew her bed right away.

we have been trying to develop some routines since we got home.  the first few days were rough.  Sarah broke toys, hit me, was afraid of the dog and hit/kicked her, and pretty much clung to brendan.  but come monday brendan had to go to work.  she spent long periods of time looking out the window for him.  I tried to play a matching game with her.  she liked it but got mad when she didn't win.

I have been trying to teach some rules around the house and it is hard.  she doesn't want to listen to me.  but I am getting the other kids to mimic and just making her follow through with what I ask. she may not fully understand everything but she is learning every day.

I also used the game as a way to show her to take turns, and the value of good sportsmanship.  I am not embarrassed to say I rigged a few games so that she would lose so we could all hi five the winner.  then I would have her win and we would all hi five her.  at first she would yell and refuse to hi five the winner.  but slowly over the last week she has begun to understand and though she still says some not so happy words in chinese, she does hi five the winner ...I'd call that progress.

also, I will say, though it is still up and down, she is much better with me.  she likes our bedtime routine (jammies, brush, prayers, songs, hugs)  the second night we were home she punched me in the face when I tried to lean in for a hug and kiss. now she actively grabs my hand and asks for the songs.  and 2 nights ago after I hugged Emma goodnight, sarah came over with open arms and hugged me!  definitely progress!

I have come to realize that the more I lavish attention on her, the more she resists.  if I, not really ignore her, but pay less attention or am very casual, she will seek out my attention, though she is still not interested in my touching her.

and we started school again this week.  sarah has been copying books.  she grabs a book (that is in english) and just copies it into a notebook I gave her.  until this point, we didn't know she knew how to make letters.  we knew she wrote in characters.  but she just writes and writes.  of course she has no idea what she is writing.  but, when it comes time, one less thing to teach her :)

anyway, we also do math.  she knows basic addition and can do some low level problems on her own.  when it gets past adding 5+5 we count on fingers.  I help because she only has 10 ;) she can also do some basic subtraction but only when I do it on my fingers.  I think if I could explain she could grasp it a bit better, but for now all we have is fingers.  but she can count up to 4 in english because we play hi ho cherry-o.

I think once we get some more language she will really be able to do some amazing things.  right now while I do read alouds or teach other subjects she just plays or copies books or talks quietly to herself. but I'm hoping the flow of language is seeping in a little bit.

I hope not to be this long between posts again and I do hope to get more pictures up soon. thanks everyone for your prayers...keep em coming.

the one with the consulate

ok, I either have the worst agency reps ever or else I have no clue about how this works...

so, we met our guide at 8:45 to head to the consulate.  we got out at the medical building so she could pick up sarah's medical report that needed to be in the visa packet.  then we walked across the street to the consulate.  our guide told us no electronics, camera, phones, backpacks or purses were allowed in.  so we left it all in the van (back at the medical center) and walked to the consulate with just our passports and our visa application.) so we were the first ones to check in for the 10am appointment.  we waited til 10 and many more families came.  we all said our oath stating the information on the visa application is true to the best of our knowledge and that we signed it ourselves. then we each get called up to say that we filled it all out, we present our passport and our child, and they tell you you can go...we will get the visa for sarah to enter the US tomorrow. YAY! the last step before we can go home! (side note, it is very frustrating that we have had to wait around here all this time for this big event...and the passport last week...when it all becomes null and void the moment her feet touch the ground in seattle! uggg!).

but all families have this picture infront of this sign at the consulate...and we never saw the sign...and we didn't have any cameras with us if we had seen it!  uggg!  every adoptive family I have seen has this picture...and we don't :( so, again...is my agency rep dropping the ball?  should I have asked about it?  I kind of kept thinking it was coming...but then she left us, she was not allowed in the consulate...sigh

well, then we went to the pearl market.  tons of pearls...I think I may have gotten too good of a deal because my pearls were super cheap...they are probably low quality even though they insisted they were best quality. I had a heck of a time finding jade and the few I found either didn't have the size I wanted or the guide said it looked low quality. I feel frustrated with the experience and am just wondering again if it is my fault for not asking the right questions...it was quite overwhelming there and super hot!  we spent about 2 hours there and then back to the hotel.

brendan took the kids swimming as I was against it because of needing things to dry so we can pack tomorrow.  but he insisted so I napped :)

as far as sarah and I, today has been very normal.  she goes to sit in a seat and if I sit next to her she moves. I touch her in passing and she hits me away.  if I go to move her because a car is going to run her over she yells and hits and then proceeds to wipe off her arm where I touched her...sigh...

I'm tired and ready to go home..here my kids will hug me and kiss me and let me snuggle them.  I miss that so much!

tomorrow we wait for her visa and pack our things then take a train to hong kong.  we spend one night there and leave friday morning for seattle, then to denver. I can't wait!

the one with the free day

today we slept in and then went to breakfast.  it's crowded later in the morning.

we decided to skype the kids before they went to bed and it was great to see them!  I miss them so much!!

then we set out on an adventure to find the trustmart.  but a friend mentioned the Aeon was closer so we went there.  I had only brought a few outfits that I was sure would not fit sarah, whether too big or too small. I figured we'd buy her some things here.  well, most of what I have is too big.  the pair of leggings I brought in size 7-8 is perfect. but in changsha the only place the guide would take us was carefour and they had next to no kids clothes and they were for winter.  we bought her tennis shoes because she came to us in sandles that are a little to small dispite looking brand new, and I figured with all the walking we are doing she would need something more comfortable.  well, she won't wear the shoes unless daddy makes her.  and still no clothes that fit.  I pin everything. well, this morning I put a dress on her that is a spaghetti strap dress and I don't normally have the girls wear something like that but it's super hot here and I had intended to bring a white tee to go under it.  well, forgot the tee and when she got it on, it was too loose fitting in the top so I made her take it off.  Well, that didn't go over well and we are already on shaky ground.

since sarah is having a hard time attatching to me, it is my job to dress her and take her around the buffet and order her food and baths. well, anyway, she was super mad but she could not wear this dress.  so at Aeon I was looking for a white tee to go under it so she could wear it another day.  no luck but I found a cute shrug that I hope will work.

anyway, we got back and as soon as we got to the hotel what are the first words out of her mouth?  YOYONG !!(swimming!) so, since she had been mad at me all morning about the dress, (oh and she was even more mad after we went to starbucks and she tried to insist we get her coffee, we offered her tea, iced tea, cookies...but no coffee) we decided maybe I should be the one to take her swimming.

I figured this would not go over well, but we gave it a shot. brendan stayed in the room while I took the kids to the pool. the big kids had asked for a bit of time to swim alone with out her grabbing them, so they stayed in the deep end...sarah was stuck with me. I could see in her face she was not thrilled, but her love of swimming must have been stronger then her hate of me....and we went in together.  she held on to me and we played together.  she kept pointing to jordan and megan but we just waved and I kept ahold of her.she did ok but a few times she would get excited and laugh and then look at me and stop.  I swung her around and she wanted to copy jordan and megan (jordan was picking megan up and throwing her) so I tried to do it without drowning her.  she seemed to have fun and we played for about an hour. then she was cold and we got out.  as we sat drying off she as talking to herself and the words I could make out were dad and swimming. the tone told me she was saying something like why couldn't daddy have taken me swimming.  oh well.  so we went back to the room and I bathed her, and then took out the lego set I brought for her.  I thought surely she would have no patience for this task.  the longest she has focused on anything this last week is when she is taking selfies! but no, she loved it.  she followed all the directions, had to turn a few things around but all in all completed it on her own.  I was impressed. I sat with her the whole tima nd encouraged her and laughed and she smiled back.baby steps :)

Jordan and megan came back from the pool and we dressed and went to dinner at Tekila.

Tekila is "authentic" mexican food in the middle of china.  well, I am sure I haven't quite had any "authentic" mexican food, even in aurora...but this left something to be desired.  I wanted refried beans!! theirs were dry and whole beans and...hmmm...just not up to par.

this evening sarah has been a bit more responsive. she has showed me some of her selfies (as long as I don't touch the phone) and then at bed time she asked me to come sit by her bed.  she held my hand and pointed to megan to hold her hand and I prayed for us. (I have been trying to do this every night though she will not always hold my hand.) I kissed megan and said I love you and I kissed her and said I love you. she kind of cringed but let me kiss her.

I know this may not mean anything.  tomorrow we will probably be back to the evil eye and walking on the opposite side of the side walk from me...but, in the long run I hope it is the first in a series of steps that brings us closer.  at least for now I see a tiny speck of light at the end of a super long dark tunnel. thank you all for praying for us!!  It means the world to me!

ps. still can't upload pictures...so sorry!!

the one with the shopping

so, yesterday when we were done at the safari park we got back to the hotel and our guide said see ya Wednesday for the consulate appointment.  I asked if she would take us shopping at shaimen island on monday.  she said that was not on the schedule and she had to take the two other families that are here with our agency to their consulate appointments on monday and tuesday so we could not have her until wednesday.  well, I had had kind of an emotional day (did I mention I am the wicked witch?) and I was tired from the heat and walking... and I kinda lost it.  I can not believe that they would just have nothing for two days.  she tried to tell me that we could take a cab (two because there are 5 of us) or the subway...yikes!...but I was really upset and about in tears and I just can't understand why this is so hard.  the agency keeps telling me not to expect my experience to be like anyone else's, but I see so many families having the same experiences here that I came to expect the same outings and the same attention from the guides.  maybe I don't know the right things to ask.  maybe others really are navigating a foreign city, where they don't speak the language, by themselves...but I feel like I should be able to expect to be taken shopping and guided around not just left on our own for 2 days.  especially when the consulate appointments are at 8am each day and only last an hour!

anyway, late last night our guide called and said she could take us to the island after the consulate appointment for the other family.  she arrived at out hotel just after 10am.

there was not as many shops as I expected, and I kind of thought everything was about the same in each shop.  but all in all I got some good things (a few things I now wish I had purchased) and I got a pair of squeeky shoes that was the only ones I could find, but I thought there would be more selection...where do you all find them? and we walked around, saw the river and the statues... it is very pretty and the architecture is great.  I will post some pictures when I can...they take so long to upload here. we ate lunch at lucy's which has lots of american food.  it was pretty good.

tomorrow we will have a free day as I didn't know what else to ask for.  well I asked for directions on getting to the pearl market, because I didn't want to push my luck and ask for her to take us again, but she said if we would take the day off tomorrow then she would take us to the pearl market on Wednesday after our consulate appointment.  so we agreed.

kids went swimming while I waited for the call about sarah's tb test. then we went to dinner at pizza hut. when we got back sarah got right into her pj's and brushed teeth.  then when we were getting beds made on the floor, she got upset because we moved the beds and she just cried.  it was a low soft cry, we didn't even know she was crying at first.  but I went to try to comfort her and she was pushing me away.  I tried just rubbing her back and singing but she was hitting me. I didn't want to leave her because i didn't want her to think she could just push me away.  but I was afraid to push too hard.

I laid down next to her and talked gently to her and told her I was not leaving her. she calmed down and I got up but she started again a few minutes later.  I laid with her again and just cried and told her I love her and asked her to let me in.  I prayed over her and she just sobbed.  I know she doesn't understand. but I hope in a small way her heart hears me.

since tomorrow is free I will try to come back and upload pictures.

the one with the safari park

today was a really fun day!  we went to the safari park here in guangzhou.  it has a train that takes you through this area where a lot of the animals roam free and some more dangerous ones are in enclosures but you drive really close.  they were feeding many of them and it was very cool.

so each picture is taking a half hour to upload so I won't put any more on right now.

we saw a cool tiger show where they hung meat over the cage on lines and the tigers follow it.  they could hang it over the water and the tigers would jump into the water.  it was neat because the water was right infront of the glass. so the tigers jump right at you :)

of course we saw giant pandas!  that was sarah's favorite so we had a hard time pulling her away.  normally I don't like the idea of bribing kids to get them to do something.  it's manipulative and so we teach them to obey.  but sarah dis likes me so much (I actually had a rough day with her.  she would let me nowhere near her. in that picture above she had first tried to climb back to brendan's seat, but we made her sit with me and  then when she realized I was in the picture with her she got mad ) but I thought maybe if I bought her a panda she would at least tolerate me.  it worked for like 10 minutes!  she loves this bear!  and she helped my hand and we went on a carousel ride together...then it was back to brendan and megan.

i am hurting.  my heart is so broken.  I feel so confused and sad and I am not sure what we are doing. I know this takes time...but it still hurts so much along the way.

I will try to post more pictures later.

the one with the random update

We left Changsha by train.  I didn't really take pictures there. train boarding is super fast and not a lot of time.  oh and there is NO english in the train station!  the only thing recognizable is the numbers!  our guide could not come with us past security (which is super lax...a metal detector) so she told us what gate and we waited til they put our number up and then went in.  but we ended up at the wrong end of the train. we got first class seats for the extra room, it is less then an economy plane ticket!  but we ended up having to run to the opposite end of the train. finally made it on and still no one speaks english.  well, unless you count the Indian men in the row up from us.  they seemed to speak several languages.

so drink and food service we just passed by, not really knowing what it was or if it was free.I had wanted to take the train because, first of all...I HATE flying! and because I thought it would be a good chance to see some countryside and not just the big cities.  well, I had not anticipated leaving so late.  our train left at 5:42pm and so within an hour it was too dark to see.  we did see some pretty countryside and some large mountains.  and I think it might have been a bit less smoggy, but it was raining and foggy...so hard to tell :)

but Sarah loved the train.  she stared out the window the whole time.  it could have just been she was trying to ignore me.  she kept trying to get brendan to switch places with me so he would be by her.  and everytime I touched her she was angry and mumbled what I can only assume were profanities under her breathe.

this is hard. this is so, so hard.  I am trying not to take it personally...but I am human, and when you are rejected and yelled at and hit...it wears on you.  I want to love her...it is hard right now. just when I see a glimmer of hope...she holds my hand on the way to the bathroom...she shoves me away as soon as we are done and grabs brendan.

jordan and megan have been great!  they are so patient with her.  and they try to hug on me and tell me they love me, partly to make me feel better I think, and partly to show her I am not the wicked witch she thinks I am.

so we got in to Guangzhou late last night and pretty much went straight to bed.

this morning first thing we went to do her medical check.  to get a US visa she has to do a medical check to see she isn't bringing any comunicable disease into the US.  the big one is the TB test.  she was fine, came out all smiles.I will say she held my hand a few times at the clinic by herself. progress?  I hate to hope. I actually a little bit hoped she would cry for the TB test so I could comfort her...I thought it might help our bonding.  But no tears and we were in and out quickly.  my advice...go early!!  we were first in and first out.

We came back to the hotel, found a 7-11 for some water, and a pizza hut for lunch and now will be going swimming I think!

after swimming we went to Paddy's Field, an irish pub, for dinner.  we were looking for a hot pot restaurant our guide had said was there, but for the second time it was nowhere to be found. food was great!  but very expensive.

so, about ready to skype home...good night! tomorrow is the safari park!

here are a few random pictures from changsha....I got no pictures of the medical clinic!  I can't believe it!

at the Dolton hotel in Changsha this bell hop was very enthusiastic and excited, all the time!  so brendan wanted to take his picture.  after I took this he pulled jordan in and handed me his phone to take a picture.  the woman at the front desk said he was the star of their hotel :)

so this bird statue was in our hall way on the way to out room.  on the first night we arrived, jordan and megan said "hola paco" and so it became a thing we did when walking to or from our room every day. so after one day of having sarah, she says hola paco!so funny!  her first non chinese words...and it's spanish! LOL

at one point we were getting ready to leave and had some time to kill so these two fell asleep :)

the one with the wasting time

so, as with most of the adoption process, there is a lot of waiting.  right now we are waiting.  it seems so frustrating to us that we are not doing anything meaningful today, just waiting on the next step.  tomorrow Sarah's passport will be ready and we can leave for Guangzhou.  but, since it's usually not ready until afternoon, we can't leave until about 5pm.

 Today we did visit a local university which got it's start as an ancient confucious academy.  It is called Yuelu Academy.  There is a lot of history in Hunan.  A village near Changsha is where chairman Mao was born and he spent time in this academy in his early 20's. but, the buildings were under construction and there was not much to see, so we only spent about an hour there.

on the plus side, we woke up to a bit of mist in the air and much cooler temps.  it was still a bit humid but it doesn't feel as bad when it is cooler.

we tried a restaurant in the movie theatre next to our hotel.  our guide had to translate some things on the menu before we went, but it was pretty good, and cheaper then the hotel.  Also, many restaurants here say they are chinese-western and we thought that would mean maybe some one speaks english, maybe there is a bit of american food?? nope...I think it means the decore is modern or something.  I mean, they did have french fries, but our guide had to point it out because the whole thing is in chinese!  but it was a fun experience.  oh and our guide wrote less spicy (in chinese) on the least spicy thing on the menu and she said we still would not be able to handle it...she was right!  Hunan is known for it's spicy food and wow, if this was mild...yikes!  Jordan and brendan and Sarah gobbled it up.  megan and I had rice and broccoli.