being a grown up

Being a grown up is hard.  Sometimes, many times, you have to make hard decisions.  You have to deal with things that you'd rather not.  I don't like being a grown up.  Why is it that kids spend so much time trying to be more grown up.  They don't know how good they've got it.  I was like that.  I couldn't wait to grow up and have babies.  They have been a blessing.  But sometimes I have had to make hard decisions, and it is then that I wish I hadn't grown up so fast.  Like when I had to hand my 6 week old baby over to have surgery that I didn't think she'd come out of.  Or when I pushed my son into a preschool classroom and had to stand on the other side and hold it closed to keep him in.  And now, my 5 year old son is going to be evaluated by a speech therapist.  I have known for a long time he needed it.  I was trying to deny it.  I have worked hard to try to help him overcome his speech issues with out outside help.

But it's time to be a grown up.

I don't know why it is so hard for me.  I think part of it is that I don't want him to be stigmatized as different.  He already is by the fact that he can't be understood by anyone outside of our family (and sometimes not even by us).  But I don't want to admit there is a problem I guess.  I know he is so smart, the things he comes up with... but he can't get it all out.  His communication is lacking.  He is so brilliant and funny and brave and kind hearted... I don't want to admit to his fault.  I haven't wanted him to feel out of place by having to go and be tested and have people talk about his "disability"  but as it stands, he has no friends because they can't understand him, and I can see it hurts his feelings.

So finally I have realized it is time to take further intervention.  In 2 weeks he sees the speech therapist.  I am nervous, for me and for him.  He is shy around others (probably because of his impediment) and I worry he won't cooperate.  I worry that treatment will be long and complicated and he will feel bad about himself, or that it won't be fixable... I know I need to wait and see.  I can't jump to every possible conclusion... I need to relax and take it as we go.  I know if I trust God I will be able to get through and do the right thing.

I guess that is another part of the problem... I wonder if I am making the right decision.  My daughter came out of surgery and recovered and is a healthy 10 year old...I made the right decision.  My son hated school and didn't want to go and life was miserable for all of us... the wrong decision (though I took him out a few weeks later and was so glad to have him back home where he belonged...the right decision)  I don't know how this will turn out.  I hope it will be the right decision, I hope it wasn't the wrong decision to wait this long.  I only want what's best for my kids.

And sometimes I want to curl up in my mommy's lap and not have to be responsible for these other lives.


     

weigh in, random stuff, and gratitude

well, I lost a pound this week.  yay!  I am now finally down .6 lbs from my original loss (because I gained a bit back).  down to 279.4.  So, I definitely know I need to exercise.  I am just not making that a priority.  I have done little things to improve my daily  movement, which is good, but if I am going to really lose a big amount of weight, I am going to have to exercise.  I feel like I have some valid reasons why it isn't being worked in, but they are just excuses and if I really wanted to make it work, I would. 

So I am going to do the Biggest Loser cardio max 2-3 days a week and then ride our bike the other days, taking only Sundays off.   See Kris for more weigh ins.

Oh and I am totally excited to be taking that ecourse I mentioned!  I can't wait to learn about all the great natural, traditional ways to prepare food to make it more healthy and nutritious.  I am working my budget to try and incorporate raw milk but I may not be able to quite yet.  I am going to get a farm share of fruit and we are going to grow our own garden of veggies, I am going to get pastured eggs from a farm as well.  I will blog a bit about that as I go.  The course started this week and just talks about the basic definitions of natural and organic (according to the industry and according to God).

We are wrapping up our Revolutionary war unit this week and the kids are presenting a president report on Friday at our co-op.  Then we will get into Lewis and Clark and the westward expansion of our country.

Oh and I made a sour dough starter this last week, from scratch!  I made pancakes with it yesterday and they were great.  I am making the bread today so I will let ya know how it comes out.  I hear this is an art and it may not turn out the first time.

I haven't been blogging much on my spiritual journey as I had hoped.  I had said at the beginning of the year one of my resolutions was to become closer to my Creator.  I have been consumed with reading books, books about joy and God's love.  I have loved them and have been feeling more joy in my life then I have in a long time.  It is still mixed with days that I feel defeated.  I think that satan wants to make me feel like that so I can't press on.  But I am continuing to look up and know that God loves me even when I don't love myself.  I still want to be better at doing my devotions.  I don't spend enough time with God alone.  But I am trusting him with some life situations and he is teaching me some things.  And I am so grateful for that.

challenge week 8

Wow, I have been on a roller coaster the last few weeks and have felt like I am going nowhere but back to where I started.  But the fact is that I haven't gained back all the weight I lost (even though it wasn't much) and so I keep looking forward at what I can do next to make habit changes. 

This week Kris issued the challenge of how to handle cravings. I don't think I have handled them too well in the last few weeks, but I have done better then ever before so that is a plus.  First, I don't deprive myself.  I have found that if I say "No chocolate" then the first thing I want is chocolate!  So I do have some.  I keep my favorite chocolate around but only have one or two squares and keeping it cold helps because it takes longer to eat, allowing for the feeling of indulging.  I also discovered this smoothie and it is fabulous!!  I use honey instead of agave but it really feels indulgent and I am getting all those great vitamins and nutrients and way less calories then lets say a Reece's pb cup.  So that is working for me.  I have a cookie if I have made the kids some (I may even have two) but I am not getting carried away, because I don't feel deprived.

The second thing in the challenge is doing strength training along with he cardio.  I totally believe in this but haven't even found a way to work in exercise every day so I will keep it in mind as I get better at that.

Thanks for all the encouragement and great tips everyone!

perseverance

So over at Eclipsed, Kris asks every week if we have had a non scale victory (NSV).  If you look back, I have been having some rough weeks.  But I am sticking with it and still trying to actively reduce my portion sizes and put some more  movement into my day.  I think this week has been an improvement and I am feeling good about it even if it isn't going as fast or easy as I would like.  Because over all health is the ultimate goal, with the weightloss being the perk.  So, as long as I am changing habits, I am good.

I have chosen fruit this week, instead of cookies.  I have also had cookies, but not the whole batch.  I have gone up and down the stairs to do laundry instead of asking kids or husband to haul it for me.  I have parked in the back of lots and walked to the store (my kids hate that).  And I am working in more veggies.

I am pressing on.  And that is victory.

phew!

When I woke up this morning I decided that if I didn't weigh myself today, that I was essentially giving up.  And I don't want to give up.  I always give up.  I want to make this work even if it takes a long time and is really hard. Even if I have set backs.  I want to change the way I live. And so I got up and went to the scale.

And ya know what?  280.4  A pound down from last week.  And with me feeling like I didn't work very hard at it this week, that is great!  Of course I know if I worked even a little harder it would be more.  I don't have to kill myself working out or deprive myself, I need to get that through my thick skull!! 

And so I will keep on going, working in more movement and more veggies, and keeping a good attitude towards this process, that is my goal this week.

see how well Kris did!

humbug

I haven't been exercising and can't seem to find the motivation.  I am grumpy and my toddler won't let me have 10 seconds to type here so I will just say that I didn't make it to buy the pedometer I was going to last week to complete the challenge from last week.

This week challenge one is not really something I can do.  I mean, my goal food wise is for more natural foods, in their raw state as much as possible. But my emphasis isn't really on protein and good carbs.  I don't necessarily believe that that approach is the best.  My focus is on veggies, fruits and again, whole foods.  I do eat meat, but not tons.  My protein comes a lot from beans and some cheese, eggs and yogurt.  I am playing with the idea of going raw for my milk, I just need to find the best way to work it into my budget.  So maybe I will just challenge myself to up my veggies this week.

I already have lots of scripture posted around my house so I will think about what I can add to motivate me to exercise.

I may skip weigh in tomorrow and eat some truffles at the rate I am going.  I need some kind of real kick in the pants to get me moving. I am not sure what it is but I was so gung ho a few weeks ago and like always I have fizzled out.  I need to pray more and worry less. and here comes the toddler so I gotta go...

Food

Hmmm, where to start?  well, I have a certain philosophy about things that is not really mainstream, hence the blog name.  Well, the crux of that philosophy is the word natural.  I have an evolving definition of what natural is.  At first it meant just organic veggies and dairy, then it was grass fed meats and cloth diapers, then it was vinegar to clean with and ridding us of chemical laden skin care etc.  I have dabbled in trying to get more items of food locally.  We even moved to 39 acres in an attempt to try to live more naturally.  (It was a terrible place that we chose and moved promptly back to the city).

But I continue to want to learn more.  I really want to live in the way God intended.  Naturally.  That means no birth control, no hydrogenated oils or corn syrup, and I have been getting better.  We aren't perfect, and I have mentioned my addiction to fast food.  Well, I believe 100% that the reason for the addiction has nothing to do with the foods themselves but the process, chemicals, preservatives and altered things added as well as things subtracted...the nutrition!  All in the name of "progress".

Anyway, I have been developing a sense of despair about being able to really live naturally.  I mean, come on, I don't know where to get raw milk (since it is illegal) and I can go to a farmers market in the summer but where do I get my veggies today?  I want to do these things but they take so much work, and money.  I feel sometimes like I can't do it, and so we fall back into old habits and buying fake foods.

I believe every American needs to watch this film. I cry, really.  I am so saddened by our countrys treatment of people (not to mention the animals).  And like they said...we vote 3 times a day (probably most of us more).  I want to be different so that our future and my kids' future is different.

It is interesting as I was hearing about the first Lady and her campaign to end obesity especially in children.  The answer is in this film.  EAT REAL FOOD!  The epidemic is being caused by the fake stuff they pass off as food.  It is addicting and it is dangerous.

I found this blog and I am late in coming but I have heard of Nourishing Traditions before and am now ready to start, but...it is overwhelming to know where to start.  But I am going to try to catch up and see if I can double up on some of the challenges from this week and last.  I am also considering taking this course.  We will see how I do in the next week or so.  But the philosophy expressed there is exactly how I feel and want to be.

SO, I am excited to really live well and locally and learn traditional cooking so that my family and hopefully future generations will be healthier and remember these dying art forms. And I can only imagine what it will do for my waist line :)

It's dark under here

SO I guess this week while Holly is back on the wagon...I fell off.  Maybe only so many people are allowed to be on the wagon at a time.  There is only so much room?  Does anyone know if that is the case?  Hmmm, well, in any case, I think that everything went out the window.  Exercise, eating well, my attitude....all fell down there under the wheels, where it is muddy and mucky. I think it may have something to do with a cute little neighbor girl who delivered some famous cookies to my door.  Now, I will admit that it was me who bought and paid for said cookies two weeks ago, but I will now continue to blame her until they are all gone, (which at the rate I am going won't be long).

 Or maybe it is because I spent the weekend at my parents' house.  They eat things like J I F peanut butter on white bread and the "syrup" in a bottle shaped like a cabin.  And my mom makes frosting for a birthday cake out of shortening!  uggg!  I keep trying to gently explain to them the dangers of these foods but they like them and so they continue. (and they wonder why they are always sick) They buy tons of precessed foods and it drives me nuts!  My kids love it because they have pop tarts and honey nut o cereal and juice.  I grew up like that.  That may explain a lot!  Anyway...

I gained 1.4 lbs this week.  I was hoping to skip over that and maybe no one would notice I didn't post a weight this week.  but I need to be accountable for this to work so I am being honest with you and myself. But...

I am going to pick it all back up, shake it off and try to climb back up on the wagon.  And its hard, because it's still moving,.  Life is still moving forward and I don't want to wait too long here in the muck or else it will pass me by, and I don't want to get another hundred pounds over weight before the next wagon comes along.

SOOOO....to that end, I am going to accept this challenge (#2) and  I will aim for 6-8,000 steps because I think 10,000 on my first attempt to get moving might set me up for failure.  But, as she mentions, purposefully adding more movement of any kind is a step in the right direction.  I will say that I am not counting calories, though I do try to work in snacks evenly and they are healthy (usually).  I really like those little cutie oranges as well as a handful of nuts. 

I lift my morning smoothie...here's to a fresh start this week....back on the wagon.

ummm, what?

Oh my goodness!  I can't believe it!!  I just weighed in and I have lost 1.4 lbs this week!!!  I mentioned yesterday that I had a terrible week and I figured I would have gained.  So, I am wondering if somehow my scale is broken or what am I doing right????  So that puts me at an even 280 today.  With a weightloss of 7 lbs in a month (I think I have officially been at this for 4 weeks).  Not the 10lbs I was hoping for but with the slacking I did last week and how slow I feel I am getting motivated, I'd say it's pretty good. 

I also wanted to update on the weekly challenge from last week...I didn't do great this last week.  I ate out once at the Bell.  I didn't check calories at all but I also didn't over eat.  And other then the online supporters, I don't have anyone on this journey with me in real life.  My hubby is a great cheerleader though :)

This week's challenge is to change up my exercise.  Well, I for sure need to make sure TO exercise LOL.  I have been doing The Biggest Loser Cardio Max about every other day.  I just got our stationary bike out and so I am going to mix in that this week.  I haven't been able to go swimming yet because I have small children who can't be left alone and I don't do public childcare.  So, that will have to wait until hubby can be home a few evenings at a predictable time so I can go do a water aerobics class.

And as for the breakfasts...well, I already really like the smoothies I have been doing ( great ideas here).  But I also really like fresh fruit mixed with plain yogurt and drizzled with the tiniest bit of honey.  I will work on eating these this week and snacking better so I keep up this loss. 

My goal for the next month is going to be 10 lbs!  Wish me luck :)