Behind again... always....

ok, so I am behind on laundry again, not too bad this time, but still not as organized as I want to be. I am also behind on Bible reading. I was doing so well in January but February just got away from me. I can still catch up if I double up for the next few weeks. I am trying hard not to just give up because I am behind.

I am finally de cluttering my bedroom! I have kids clothes laying on my ottoman that need to go in storage or taken to the consignment store. I never know what to keep for then next child. My older son is 7 years older then the youngest son. Do I save things he has grown out of for the next 7 years until the baby fits into it? Or do I say, let's move it out and I can repurchase up to date clothing when the time comes? I have my middle child, the girl, with no one to pass down clothes to. I hope to have another baby, and hopefully another girl, but since I am not preggo yet, there would be at least 7 years difference there too. So, should I give away the clothes, or keep them in hopes of using them some day?

I think it is harder for me to get rid of the girl clothes. First of all, they are all so cute! I can't bare to part with them! And I of course love to shop, so you would think I would just toss everything and start over, but I guess I am feeling a bit meloncholy over the possibility I WON'T have another. I hope to, and we are "trying", but nothing yet, and I do feel my childbearing years slipping away.

I know some people have kids after 35 and even well into their fourties, but I never saw myself doing that. I don't know how to describe my feelings on it exactly, but my husband and I always thought, we will have kids while we are young and struggling, then when we are older and more settled, and they are grown, we will still be young enough to travel and enjoy each other. I already have a 7 year difference between oldest and youngest. If I had another even now, the difference would be 10 years. That is a big deal to me.

And there is also the issue of my not wanting medical intervention in my pregnancy. I had my last child at home in a beautiful water birth that I will cherish all of my life! I would expect the same thing, though the older I get the less likely I will get by with no complications.

And so, I am not sure what to do now. I think about it all the time, what to do, do we perminently seal the deal and move on with three beautiful healthy children, do we adopt which would guarantee me a girl if I choose, or do we keep praying and waiting for more babies in God's time. The waiting and not knowing is hardest for me. If I knew that I would have a beautiful baby in two years, then I could be hapy and enjoy the time with only 3. But if we keep trying for the next 5 years and nothing, then decide to stop, I feel like I will worry and wonder the whole time and...oh this all seems so silly, of course I know I should be content and not worry and that is how a good Christian woman behaves, but I can't help it. I pray and wonder what to think or feel or do next and I don't feel like I have any answers...

and so I am waiting....