reality bites

so I have wanted to live a simpler life. I wanted to grow my own food and raise some too. I wanted to live out where there was more space between me and the next guy. To this end, I started researching places to live, homes for sale so that my husband could still get to work in the city in a reasonable amount of time. This was 8 months ago. Since then we found a house only 25 mins from hubby's work, in a small town of farmers. Thirty nine acres! I thought it was my dream property. Plenty of space here! WOW I had such plans. It took a couple of months to get financing worked out but we closed on April 28th. The house was a fixer upper for sure. Bren worked round the clock fixing and painting and roofing and drywalling! I know he put everything he had into this. Finally we decided to move in June 20th even though there was some finish work to do.

Since that time, reality has certainly hit, and boy does it pack a punch! First we had a mega moth infestation. Thousands would line the walls and windows. We had them in our beds, in our cupboards, everywhere! Finally they subsided and the mosquitoes set in. We can't go outside. We run to the car waiving our hands furiously. And it's not just that they are outside. They must have figured out the moth's secret entrance, because they are in the house. I can't sleep at night just laying there feeling them on me. We have replaced screens and any time we open a window we have a huge influx of mosquitoes. So the windows and doors stay shut.

This brings up another "plague", the heat. The house is west facing and has some skylights. Boy is it hot in here! And we can't open windows if we want to keep the mosquitoes at bay, so all we can do is sweat. No air conditioner here.

So I am very sad. My dreams aren't panning out the way I hoped. Right now I want to go back to the city. I want to give up this "simple" life in favor of my old life which turned out to be way simpler then I had realized......

Bad mom

ok, I haven't posted in so long! Emma is six months old and I still feel like I am recovering. And though I know I can't compare my self and my life to others, I can't help but feeling even worse when I was reading another blog of a woman who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago and in the comments was a woman saying the blogger was such a good mom because there was a picture of the daughter on the blog and she had a bow in her hair. So, the makings of a good mom is having a bow in your child's hair? I mean, I would love to be that good, but frankly, not the top of my list. Does that make me a bad mom because I don't have bows in my older daughter's hair? I mean her baby is only a couple of weeks old, mine is six months! If I can't do it by now I must be so very bad!! ugggg!



well, enough of that rant. I am feeling very argumentitive lately, like I just want to buck the system, rebel against athourity! I feel immature for feeling that way, but I don't need, for instance, my church taking attendance every week by making me fill out the welcome card though I am not a newcomer. And my homeschool group wants me to rsvp yes OR no to EVERY activity it plans. Like I have all this time to go through the calendar and let them know I WON'T be attending Friday's activity! sheesh. If I don't let you know I'm coming...assume I am not!



Anyway, this spirit of strife has gotten me into trouble lately. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut when I don't agree with something. I keep praying I will just be able to let stuff go, but I really am having a hard time with it.

She's here ! Emma arrived on May 8th. She was 10 pounds 13 oz!!!!!!!! We are doing great. More about our newest addition later.

Counting down

Well, here we are, still pregnant. I shouldn't listen when the midwife says I will be early. I shouldn't listen when she says baby is heads up. I know the baby will be big, but she has been hyping it up as a possible record breaker and I have decided not to listen any more.

I believe that a midwife is a better choice then a doctor in a hospital. This is most especially true if there is a normal pregnancy with no complications. But I think I put too much stock in her knowledge. I mean, I think she obviously knows a ton about birth, she has been overseeing deliveries for over 20 years. But what I mean is, she isn't God. She doesn't know everything. She can take my blood pressure, test my urine, ask all the "relevent" questions, but she can't see inside of me. She doesn't know the day I conceived (especially since I don't know) and she (since I am overweight anyway) can't tell the exact weight of this baby.

I have been a bit up tight the last few weeks because she believed the baby would come earlier then we first thought. Well, obviously that isn't the case as I sit here with a bulging foot in my lungs. Baby is heads down as it should be, and I do expect to have the baby in the next few weeks of course. But I know I need to relax and know it will come when it is good and ready. My pregnancy has been healthy and uneventfull (unless you count the breech scare).

I am trying hard to be patient, which is hard because I had been lead to believe I would already be holding my little bundle by now. SO lesson to learn here is...listen to my instincts, my body and don't let someone else have undue control over my emotions.

And so we wait...

Just when I thought I was in control...

OK, so I have been a basketcase the last few weeks because my midwife told me she thought the baby could be breech. She didn't seem that worried and said there was time (maybe, since we don't really know the date) and that maybe at some point we could get an ultrasound to confirm.

So I have been googling my little heart out. I know that in the medical profession breech=cesarean. So of course this sent me into a tizzy. NO WAY! So I also looked up all this home remedy stuff for turning breech babies as well as any info on birthing breech at home that I could find. Even though all my findings were positive, I could still have it at home, I have birthed very large babies before so I am pretty safe there, I still couldn't shake this weird feeling like what if it doesn't turn!!???

Today my wonderful midwife confirmed that she felt this little bugger in the heads up position! GRRRR! So I have some instructions for helping motivate it to flip on it's own, and hopefully it will turn. She is also fairly confident that it will be sooner then our original projected date of April 26th. By how much? We don't know, it really has a chance of coming any time after March 30th we believe. It is a huge long story which I may write about here, but probably not because it involves female cycle talk, and no one really wants that much detail, right?

Anyway, I am still not happy about it, but having seen the midwife, confirmed it and having a plan of action has definitely put me more at ease. If you are so inclined...pray that it will turn, not be too big (my last one was 10 1/2 lbs) and the home birth will go beautifully.

Works for me Wednesday

I am always trying to come up with something for Works for me Wednesday over at Rocks in my Dryer but I can't ever think of anything. I love this backwards edition because I get to ask a question!! And this one is a doosy.....

So, at Christmas Santa brings us presents at our house. This is a big deal to me. I grew up with it being this very magical thing, and so it is fun to make it that magical for my kids. Please none of this "Christians shouldn't do Santa" and "it's lying to my kids" etc. I understand that argument, believe me I do, (hence the coming dilemma) but we like the magic.

OK, that is until on of the toys, a very expensive toy, breaks! On use two! A remote control car, did I mention expensive? OK, so I need to return it, it was only a couple of days after Christmas, I have the receipt... only Santa brought it. SO how to explain (to a 10 year old) why Santa does shoddy work, and how we are going to get a new one...all the way from the North Pole? I don't know what to do in this situation...any advice? Cause basically I had to lie more. I had to take it to a "shop" to get it fixed. Only I returned it and it was a seasonal item so no one has it anymore. When I finally find a store across town with ONE left....it is a different color!!!! More lying. The "shop" couldn't fix it so they gave me a replacement.???

My son didn't question it, really, but I had a horrible time trying to get around the whole returning it to the store, and getting a different color while still maintaining the Santa story. SO my question is, for those of you who "do Santa", what do you do, and say, when something breaks??

If you have a question, or an answer, head over to Works for me Wednesday backwards edition.


PS. I think the reason my son didn't question too much is that he is beginning to know it isn't Santa, but is afraid to say it. (I know some of you may think he is old to believe it, but being homeschooled I don't have as much of the cynical influence of kids at school who don't believe.) I could have just told him, but I want it to go as long as possible, and I think this was probably his last year believing anyway, I wasn't ready to ruin the magic just yet. I am sure by next year he will ask us about it, and we will tell him the truth, but not yet.

Extra PS. this has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I would add, that my son actually questioned the Target emblem on the playdoh box my three year old got from Santa more then my whole story about the car...weird.

Expectations? or I don't know what I am doing

UUUGGG! We have tried to start some kind of routine today. I got up, not all that early, but in enough time to actually make breakfast for the kids before they got tired of waiting and just ate cold cereal. I am dressed, and everyone but the 3 year old is dressed. I have read the Bible, though the kids haven't yet. My oldest has been working on math, we needed to catch up a bit before our new books come next week. He is learning division and is convinced it is the end of the world. If only I could get him to understand it is just the opposite of multiplication...

My daughter is cleaning her room, a good thing, except it always takes so long because she has to play as she goes, and 3 hours later she hasn't made much progress. The toddler is watching his 3rd movie of the morning. Is that ok? I feel like he shouldn't be watching tv, but he has been sick and I like this better then me sitting with him sprawled on my lap with a 103 degree fever, so I let it go.

My point today is that I don't feel like I really have any goals for our learning right now. I can think of all these great things I want us to learn about, but the details of actually doing anything just aren't falling in place. I have my oldest fighting everything I try tooth and nail, the toddler just wants to be in the middle of everything, or at least have my attention, and over the holidays my mom got on my case because my daughter (7, second grade) told her she didn't know how to write. My mom (who teaches art in public school) started in on how she needs a spelling book and there are certain standards she needs to meet for sentence writing and blah, blah, blah...

Of course the next time I went shopping that same daughter brought me a shopping list of all the things she was buying with her Christmas money. Not everything was spelled right, but I'd say that her claim of not being able to write was a bit overexagerated. But of course how do I defend myself against my mom who wants spelling books and structured lessons and I told her our writing consists of copying poems and scriptures and we do read and I have taught her the phonics rules. We finally dropped the subject, because no one was giving in. Now I feel bad though, like I need to prove to her my daughter can write. I shouldn't have to, it isn't about what she thinks, but it's my MOM. ya know?

So I feel a bit lost right now, like I need to change something, be more structured, fill in some blanks I know we are missing. But how. I know the biggest weakness in our learning is the writing, but I don't know how to fill it in without doing "school at home". I think our relaxed style works for us, but how do I fill in those blanks and keep that "unschool" feel?

I am just hoping to have some kind of revelation soon.

Happy New Year

OK, I know it is a bit late for that kind of title, but it has been busy around here...still. We were at my parents house for New Year's and then the youngest got sick, we just started recovering today. And so, a new year deserves a new look. (I was just getting used to the old one)

And so, I don't have much else to say right now, I am just trying to get back to some kind of routine. Most blogs I have read show most everyone back in their school routines. I am hoping to be ready for that by Monday.

Three years old

Three years ago yesterday, I gave birth (at home) to a beautiful baby boy. He has been difficult and we have been tired, but we are blessed to have him and he lives up to his name Gabriel, for he has brought us to the presence of God in more then one way.

Happy Birthday and I love you sweet boy!

Read this...

Grace in a Manger

Ah ha, that's what's missing!

I was just reading a post from Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer about grace . It so very much more eloquently states the way I was feeling yesterday. I mean not exactly the same situation, but I have been feeling like my main problem lately is I have a lack of grace. We all do around here. We all tend to be short on patience and giving others the benefit of the doubt. It just wears on ya after a while.

Yes, more grace is what we need around here. Thanks Shannon of reminding me.

Discouraged

I am feeling discouraged lately. I am really feeling like I wasn't meant to be a mom. I love my kids dearly, but I feel like I am failing them at every turn. I just want to know how people with so many more kids get things done, and teach their children and cook and clean and have time for devotions and..... I know, they just do it. I have 3 kids, and one on the way, and I look at others both in real life and in blogs I read, and I wonder how they have energy to do the things they do, while pregnant with the 8th one or whatever. I can't even manage to read the Bible every day. I realize I need to set better priorities, but you haven't met my almost 3 year old!

I feel like I can't win. I am so tired of the kids fighting with each other, of me fighting with them. I wish I could say it's time for lessons with out the collective whining that in sues. I want to be able to say take these books upstairs for me without the argument. I want my 10 year old to stop pestering and tormenting the other 2 and I REALLY want him to stop talking back to us. I feel so hopeless after talking with him, and I feel like I have failed as a mother. He has a bad attitude and he is rude, disrespectful and angry most of the time. And I am at a loss at what to do. We have tried yelling, of course that didn't work, we have tried punishments (taking away privileges) we have tried rewards for good behavior, still nothing....and we always come back to yelling, mostly out of frustration and lack of knowing what else to do.

I am so tired of the struggle. I know that no one said being a parent was easy, I just thought there would be times when things might be easier. I am very disheartened that I can't seem to keep up with family devotions either. My husband was supposed to be in charge, but if I don't mention it, it doesn't get done. I know it should be a top priority, but isn't it his job, not mine?

Uuugggg! I hate feeling like this. I want to be a good mom, I just don't know how to deal with some of our issues right now. I can't keep up with the house, the toys are everywhere, laundry needs to be done (and I have been doing it everyday!) I am so emotionally exhausted from the struggles with the kids that I become physically tired and don't want to finish the housework most days.

I am not writing any of this for pity. I am just venting after what was a particularly hard day. I of course, hope tomorrow will be better. But most days seem to be going this way and I need to get the frustration out and figure out how to talk with the kids and teach them the right behavior, which apparently I am not good at or maybe we wouldn't have this problem now.

hopefully a good nights sleep will find me in better spirits....if the toddler stays in bed :)

New look

Ok, I have had this blog for a little over a year I think, and I have been slowly learning how to work it! I just customized some things and I am so excited. I really wish I was savy enough to make it really famcy and pretty, maybe that will come. But for now I am jsut happy to have Christmas colors and a pretty snowy picture (from my front yard during the blizzards we had last year).

I hope to keep learning how to make it better looking, and I really hope to have some more time to blog (as well as a topic) very soon!

Christmas ebook

I was just reading this review over at Enjoy the Journey. I have been saddened that Lindsay isn't updating her Christmas blog (though the archives are still available), so when I read the review I started thinking that this could be the thing I am looking for.

If you are looking for some good Christian perspective on Christmas and some activities and recipes, it looks like Marybeth Whalen has the answers. Go take a look!

Works For me Wednesday

OK, this is backwards day over at Rocks in my Dryer . That means I get to ask a question and hopefully some one can help me with an answer. So here we go...

I have a 9 year old (to be ten next month) boy, a 7 year old girl, a 2 year old (to be three next month) boy and a baby on the way. Right now the two boys share a room and my daughter has her own room. We have one extra room that has been a play/guest room. We are considering moving the oldest into that room and then putting the baby in with the toddler. The problem is that the toddler won't sleep in his room alone. We have done some practice nights and he just won't go to bed by himself. My older son gets lots of credit because he is very gracious and always agrees to come back into the room with the toddler.

The baby isn't due until April and will probably sleep in my room for a while, but I know my oldest wants his privacy. And being 10 next month, I think he should be able to have it. So if you have some advice on getting my toddler to like having his own room, and getting him to sleep there, let me know!

Thanks!

This is great!

OK, so I was reading Enjoy the Journey earlier and Lindsey has this great idea for a bumper sticker...Anyone but Hillary '08 !!! I think it is perfect!!!!!! So if you want one, go check her out. I am getting some for sure!

oh the news!

I can't believe I have totally bailed on the blogging thing. I have just been so busy and tired and blah. I have even neglected to post about being PREGNANT! I am 12 1/2 weeks along...I think. Pregnancy isn't an exact science. First, I am not exactly sure when I conceived, and of course, babies come when they are ready. SO we are looking at late April maybe early May.

I have been pretty nauseous, and very tired. I have been having a hard time focusing on homeschool. I don't have the energy to do a lot of the normal activities. Today is the first day we have been to the library since August. Well, we were on vacation for 2 weeks in September, but still. The kids of course are enjoying the little break. We still read and since we are more unschool/Charlotte Mason, we read a lot of living history as well as fiction and today we checked out some science books. And I hadn't ordered our math yet, so I did so this week. I hope that since I am going into the second trimester next week, that hopefully I will be feeling better and more on top of things.

I would like to post a bit on our vacation and the Creation Museum we went to. Hopefully I can get to that soon.

Loner

So I have been thinking lately how different I am. I mean, I know EVERYONE is different, that's what makes us special right? Well, I am not talking about how you have blond hair and I have brown, I am talking about my life choices fitting into some kind of category.

I mean, when some one says they are a republican, you automatically know a few things about them. When they say they are agnostic, or Buddhist or Christian, you have a few basics already covered. But me, I am not fitting into any category. I consider myself a conservative Christian, but when you get down to it, I have a few beliefs that don't really fit that.

Like I am all about environmental responsibility, "going green", kind of a liberal thing. I am into all natural childbirth, whole food eating, home remedies, extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting (all kind of considered liberal hippyism). I home school, which usually would have people thinking I fit into this very staunch christian school-at-home model, yet I am an unschooler (more popular in non-christian circles).

And in some cases I lean more toward the very traditional side, like my role as a wife and mother, but I have some modern Christian views that would be considered not so conservative.

All this to say that I really identified with Phat Mommy . I feel on the outside every where I go. When I am at church I feel too liberal for them, when I am at a La Leche League meeting I feel too conservative. I feel put down for my choices or at least that if I express why I do things a certain way, that others think I am putting their choices down.

I want to share with others my lifestyle, to educate and to maybe find other moms who understand what I am going through. I don't want to tell other people how to do things. I do think that everyone has to find the way that fits their family and is true to who God created them to be. And that isn't the same as me...it would just be nice to find someone who understands me.

Going Green

I have been going through the process of figuring out how to live healthier. There are several reasons for this. One, as I shared in my last post, is that I am over weight and need to be eating better. Another is that I want to be a good steward of what God has given me. There are many areas to consider in a healthy lifestyle as well.

It's not just about eating more natural and whole foods, which I am trying so hard to do. It is also about the products we use and how we are taking care of the earth God gave us to watch over and subdue. I really think that when God gave is this planet to subdue he didn't mean trash it. He didn't mean take over and kill everything in your path and he certainly didn't mean for us to create substances which slowly kill us. I don't think it is fair to say if I want to be kinder to our environment (and myself) I must be some kind of liberal hippy. Which by the way is what my husband thinks of me.

I have been trying to learn more about how to make my own homemade foods in the most natural state possible, and I have been researching cookware and storage ware that doesn't leach chemicals into my food. I have been trying to find more natural shampoos and lotions, etc. And I am finding that everything is harmful!

Now, I am trying hard not to be such a paranoid weirdo (to quote my husband) about all this, but the more research I do, the more I am convinced there is not much out there that isn't slowly poisoning us. I know that I can't avoid everything. I just want to change some of the things I have control over and know about. Things like my cookware. I don't want to use Teflon anymore. I also know that there could be some leeching from stainless steel. I think I will be buying a cast iron pan soon and am looking for some glass Corning ware pots for the stove top. So far am not having much luck anywhere besides eBay, and the shipping is outrageous!

I also have been trying to cut down on using plastic, both bags and for food prep and storage. There are some really good posts about this over here . I keep forgetting to take my canvas bags shopping so I opt for paper instead. Which by the way, no one knows how to use! The clerks just fill 'em up! Oh man! I have to try to be so patient and I usually just ask to do it myself before they break something. I really wish everyone had handles on their bags like Whole Foods.

More on this later, I have to go start dinner.

Random thoughts and why I have been awol

Oh man, we still can't get over the fevers, stuffy noses and coughing! I got a brief stuffy nose, but am fine now. But the boys (including hubby) just can't shake it. Gabe had a fever for 4 days and now his lips are all swollen and chapped from not being able to breathe out of his nose. I keep putting balm on his poor lips, but it doesn't last long. He is majorly cranky too. The fever finally broke yesterday and he seems better, still fussy though.

I kinda lost momentum on the spring cleaning thing. We did the kitchen, and by the next day the kids and dog had muddied the floor again! I kinda fell into this slump of it-will-never-stay-that-way-so-why-bother-even-doing-it !! And now the dog is shedding so I need to get back to it because the house is being overcome with dog hair. UGGGG! I need some more motivation! I had been doing so well and then once a little of the chores get away from me it is like a landslide and nothing ends up getting done.

On a positive note, I have been walking every day this week! I just do it nice and early so it isn't too hot. I take out the stroller and the older kids ride bikes or roller blades, and we walk down to our neighborhood park. They get to play for a bit and then we walk home along a different route. The goal is to go 3 times a week at least. I really want to work on loosing weight and being healthier. I have a real problem with the food part though.

I just don't do well on diets. I don't like all the rules and measuring that goes on. I don't like the counting points or calories etc. I want to eat naturally, when I am hungry and what I am hungry for. Obviously that has worked for me so far right?? NOT! (I need to loose at least 100lbs to be at a healthy weight.)

OK, so what do I do? Last summer I tried Body for Life. I didn't follow their eating plan to a T because I don't like to drink the shakes or eat the bars they recommend, just too high in artificial stuff for me. But I increased my protein and ate good carbs in a balance with the protein. And I went to the gym every day! I did weight lifting and cardio. I lost 10lbs in 12 weeks. I probably would have lost more had I followed the exact eating plan.

I don't want to spend the money on the gym. I know there is plenty of activity I can work into my life, if I just do it. Hence, the walking. Anyway, I need to just buckle down on the food issue and start measuring portions, and I do need to up my protein intake as I let it slide again. I do think that makes a difference. I don't believe in cutting out carbs, but I do think eating the right ones and in a good balance with the protein is a good way to go.

And so, though I could go on, the kids are wanting breakfast and I need to shower.