CONFESSION

I have been wanting to write this post all week but with the sickness hitting I just didn't get to it til now. 

I was watching The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and when it got to the part where Jillian had to eat some of the food the Orange team ate, I recognized many of those things.  They are from that fast food place with the big BELL in its logo, you know, they serve tacos and other Mexican fair.  Well, then Jillian starts looking at that stuff with this disgusted look and when she eats it she gags and throws up!  (Part of me wonders if that is a bit staged or over dramatized on her part for effect.)  But then it hits me, as she is saying how could these people eat like this, it isn't even food, that I LOVE fast food.  Jillian is saying how can they eat it and I am thinking, 'cause it's good. 

I am a fast food junkie.  I like to cook with whole foods and eat natural sugars and then, let;s say, on Friday we go out for lunch or Sunday after church we grab a quick bite, or even a Tuesday night when we have been on a field trip and I am tired we pick up Chik-fil-a for a treat and because "it's better then McD" right? Is it?  But I kind of like the McD and the Bell and many others.  I know they aren't good for me, but it's not like I eat there every day right? Oh, and I couldn't even pretend I was doing well by ordering the fruit cup or the yogurt or something else masquerading as healthy, no I have to have the fries and the burgers with the sauces, cause it's a treat, and if I am already eating here, I might as well indulge, right?  Yeah, indulged my way right up to over 280 lbs I did.

Well, I am watching Jillian get sick and thinking, what does she eat?  Doesn't she ever get cravings for anything bad for you?  What is her idea of indulging?  I mean, I know what healthy eating looks like, for a day or two, but I don't always feel like eating a slice of grilled chicken and a salad with lemon juice squeezed on it.  I know there are many ways to make healthy low calorie foods with out it being boring, but I like the way the junkie foods taste and if the option is a big mac or a grilled chicken breast, I want the mac. And for someone addicted to fast food it is a lot of work to plan and fix those healthy meals and make sure those snacks are on hand and though I don't like the excuse of not being able to get the kids to eat it, sometimes they just won't eat it.  And so I am a little on edge because even a week and a half in and I want some of the food from that Bell place.  MMMM I could go for some right now....

But I digress....

ok, so what to do?  I guess right now I really don't know.  I have been working on this for so long, my whole life, and I am tired.  I am tired of having to think about it.  I hate that every waking moment is consumed with what will the next meal be.  I have to shop for the food and prepare the food and eat the food and clean up the food and store the food and I have to do it every single day.  And I am tired.

I used the word addicted back there.  I guess that is the thing.  Right there in black and white.  Addiction. Hmmm, maybe that is another post. 

For now I will leave it at this.... this is a long hard road, and it won't be easy.  Lots of changes to come. I pray I can break the hold that fast food has on me and that I can truely enjoy some of the healthier options.