being a grown up

Being a grown up is hard.  Sometimes, many times, you have to make hard decisions.  You have to deal with things that you'd rather not.  I don't like being a grown up.  Why is it that kids spend so much time trying to be more grown up.  They don't know how good they've got it.  I was like that.  I couldn't wait to grow up and have babies.  They have been a blessing.  But sometimes I have had to make hard decisions, and it is then that I wish I hadn't grown up so fast.  Like when I had to hand my 6 week old baby over to have surgery that I didn't think she'd come out of.  Or when I pushed my son into a preschool classroom and had to stand on the other side and hold it closed to keep him in.  And now, my 5 year old son is going to be evaluated by a speech therapist.  I have known for a long time he needed it.  I was trying to deny it.  I have worked hard to try to help him overcome his speech issues with out outside help.

But it's time to be a grown up.

I don't know why it is so hard for me.  I think part of it is that I don't want him to be stigmatized as different.  He already is by the fact that he can't be understood by anyone outside of our family (and sometimes not even by us).  But I don't want to admit there is a problem I guess.  I know he is so smart, the things he comes up with... but he can't get it all out.  His communication is lacking.  He is so brilliant and funny and brave and kind hearted... I don't want to admit to his fault.  I haven't wanted him to feel out of place by having to go and be tested and have people talk about his "disability"  but as it stands, he has no friends because they can't understand him, and I can see it hurts his feelings.

So finally I have realized it is time to take further intervention.  In 2 weeks he sees the speech therapist.  I am nervous, for me and for him.  He is shy around others (probably because of his impediment) and I worry he won't cooperate.  I worry that treatment will be long and complicated and he will feel bad about himself, or that it won't be fixable... I know I need to wait and see.  I can't jump to every possible conclusion... I need to relax and take it as we go.  I know if I trust God I will be able to get through and do the right thing.

I guess that is another part of the problem... I wonder if I am making the right decision.  My daughter came out of surgery and recovered and is a healthy 10 year old...I made the right decision.  My son hated school and didn't want to go and life was miserable for all of us... the wrong decision (though I took him out a few weeks later and was so glad to have him back home where he belonged...the right decision)  I don't know how this will turn out.  I hope it will be the right decision, I hope it wasn't the wrong decision to wait this long.  I only want what's best for my kids.

And sometimes I want to curl up in my mommy's lap and not have to be responsible for these other lives.