menu

I don't think I am doing anything profound or fancy but since I like to know what others are eating (especially while losing weight) I figured I would post about my meals.

Mon-Tonight we are having some salmon.  My parents went to Alaska and caught these themselves and we have had a bunch in our freezer.  I don't love it.  But I can tolerate it.  Maybe I need a good recipe hehe.  And with that I am serving some brown rice.  I make the rice by sauteing the dry rice with some olive oil, onion and garlic, oh and celery if I have it.  then I put it in a pot with the right amount of veggie stock and simmer for 30 mins or more til tender.  And I will probably make frozen peas cause my kids love them (an I will be lucky to get anyone to eat the salmon)

Tues- We will have hamburgers made with the beef from a quarter steer we bought last year.  We know where it cam from and what it was fed and how it died.  I love that! With this I will make some big chunky fries (which I will only have a couple of) by cutting some yukon gold potatoes into 8ths and sticking them in a bag with some olive oil and Mrs Dash.  shake it up and lay out on a cookie sheet or 9x13 pan.  bake for 30-45 mins.  I have some corn on the cob from last summers farmers market that will be added as well.

Wed- BLT's on homemade bread with all natural bacon made without nitrates and nitrites.  we will have some carrot and orange bell pepper spears and maybe a fruit salad

Thurs- I will make a crustless quiche.  I start by sauteing olive oil, onion, garlic, til tender then add a few chopped mushrooms.  when they are soft I add a couple of big handfuls of spinach.  cook til it wilts then put that in a pie dish.  I sprinkle that with some feta cheese and then whisk 5 eggs with a dash of milk pour over the cheese and bake.  I think it's 350 for 45 mins. then I will whip up some home made biscuits (for the kids and hubby).

Fri- I will be gone for dinner (at a conference for Christian mothers) but will thaw some homemade chili I had left last week.(I cooked the beans and everything!) for the family. Not sure what I will be eating while at the conference.  I probably won't be great but I will try to have portion control and pick wisely what to eat.

I will post more here about other menus as I go.  I like to make my own homemade refried beans and we do eat a lot of beans around here :)  They use butter and are very good and easy.  And I make bread once or twice a week.  I need to cut back on the amount I eat, but it is whole wheat and I know all the ingredients so I know my family is getting good things to eat.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I will be planning on making smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch (though I was starving not long after today's so we will see what I can do to help ramp it up tomorrow).  I would love to know what kinds of things others are eating on this quest for health and weightloss...

well, screaming toddler at my feet means time to go make dinner

weekly challenge

I did ok on recording my food last week, but with a couple sick days for me and everyone else, I kind of lost a couple of days.  I got back to writing it down but sadly we didn't eat well this week.  Mostly it was a fend for yourself, eat whatever you can keep down kind of week and so it was hard.  I snacked, and ate things I shouldn't, and didn't pay much attention to my eating.

SO, this week I am determined to make this happen!  I still am focusing on whole, natural foods.  I am going to make myself smoothies for breakfast M-F.  The kids will either eat smoothies with me or homemade granola.  I plan to have a salad for lunch.  Kids will get their normal stuff (sandwiches, burritos, carrots, apples).  Dinners I will make for the family with whole foods and natural ingredients ( I can post a menu later if anyone cares).  Snacks will be raw nuts, fruits and veggies.  Again, making sure to control portions will be a big focus, as well as snacking on the good foods (there are no more Christmas cookies, Carmel corn, or treats of any kind in this house) the closest we come is some trail mix which has some chocolate in it.  But I am considering that an ok snack because I will crave the chocolate if I don't get it and I hope this helps keep me from devouring a pan of brownies or something :)

For this weeks challenge I am definitely starting a workout time every morning (M-F) I was going to start with 15 mins and work my way up but since Kris asked for 30, I will start there.  I have an old workout video with some bands that I am going to do.  I may try to find The Biggest Loser jumpstart video if I am out.

I have already started to blog my journey and am starting to touch on some of my "issues".  I will continue to do that.

I plan on this week being a great week and I plan on having a big number to report at the end of it!

CONFESSION

I have been wanting to write this post all week but with the sickness hitting I just didn't get to it til now. 

I was watching The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and when it got to the part where Jillian had to eat some of the food the Orange team ate, I recognized many of those things.  They are from that fast food place with the big BELL in its logo, you know, they serve tacos and other Mexican fair.  Well, then Jillian starts looking at that stuff with this disgusted look and when she eats it she gags and throws up!  (Part of me wonders if that is a bit staged or over dramatized on her part for effect.)  But then it hits me, as she is saying how could these people eat like this, it isn't even food, that I LOVE fast food.  Jillian is saying how can they eat it and I am thinking, 'cause it's good. 

I am a fast food junkie.  I like to cook with whole foods and eat natural sugars and then, let;s say, on Friday we go out for lunch or Sunday after church we grab a quick bite, or even a Tuesday night when we have been on a field trip and I am tired we pick up Chik-fil-a for a treat and because "it's better then McD" right? Is it?  But I kind of like the McD and the Bell and many others.  I know they aren't good for me, but it's not like I eat there every day right? Oh, and I couldn't even pretend I was doing well by ordering the fruit cup or the yogurt or something else masquerading as healthy, no I have to have the fries and the burgers with the sauces, cause it's a treat, and if I am already eating here, I might as well indulge, right?  Yeah, indulged my way right up to over 280 lbs I did.

Well, I am watching Jillian get sick and thinking, what does she eat?  Doesn't she ever get cravings for anything bad for you?  What is her idea of indulging?  I mean, I know what healthy eating looks like, for a day or two, but I don't always feel like eating a slice of grilled chicken and a salad with lemon juice squeezed on it.  I know there are many ways to make healthy low calorie foods with out it being boring, but I like the way the junkie foods taste and if the option is a big mac or a grilled chicken breast, I want the mac. And for someone addicted to fast food it is a lot of work to plan and fix those healthy meals and make sure those snacks are on hand and though I don't like the excuse of not being able to get the kids to eat it, sometimes they just won't eat it.  And so I am a little on edge because even a week and a half in and I want some of the food from that Bell place.  MMMM I could go for some right now....

But I digress....

ok, so what to do?  I guess right now I really don't know.  I have been working on this for so long, my whole life, and I am tired.  I am tired of having to think about it.  I hate that every waking moment is consumed with what will the next meal be.  I have to shop for the food and prepare the food and eat the food and clean up the food and store the food and I have to do it every single day.  And I am tired.

I used the word addicted back there.  I guess that is the thing.  Right there in black and white.  Addiction. Hmmm, maybe that is another post. 

For now I will leave it at this.... this is a long hard road, and it won't be easy.  Lots of changes to come. I pray I can break the hold that fast food has on me and that I can truely enjoy some of the healthier options.

ICK

well, we have all been sick this week.  with a stomache bug.  SO, not much has gotten done around here.  Very little schooling, not much cooking, or eating for that matter.  Today is clean up day now that everyone seems to be feeling better.  I have a bit of a lingering headache but that could just be a bit of dehydration.  I am drinking lots of water.  Along with clean up will be looking at what foods we have and what is needed to get back on track after a long week of piecing together food for whoever was up to eating at the time.  Then on to the store.

Weekly weigh in

I have been giving my eating habits a concentrated effort for one week now and I am glad to say I lost 2 lbs.  I did have some times of weakness but overall I reduced my portion sizes, opted for fruit over cookies sometimes, and am making this process a priority.  I think it was a pretty good week.  This coming week I was hoping to add some movement into my days but I now have a sick kid and expect the others to follow.  so I think I will concentrate on maintaining and surviving the week.  I guess the upside if I do get sick would be not eating, maybe I will lose more this week LOL.

See how others are doing over at Eclipsed

Gratituesday

I sit here after a long night with my 9 year old throwing up.  I am tired.  She is probably more so.  I figure this will be a long week, because it will inevitably pass through the whole house.  But I am sitting here thinking of the last time we were all sick like this.  It has been quite a while.  And I am thankful for that.  Then I remember that I have passed through several of these episodes in the last few years without totally getting sick myself.  And for that I am very thankful.  I hope this will be one of those times I can escape it.  I would be so grateful.

see what others are grateful for today

weekly challenge

I have been following this weight loss blog and it was my inspiration to kick start myself into being serious and purposeful in my weight loss path this year.  She is issuing challenges each week as well as encouragement.  I am finding it fun to have this kind of support.  I have no friends in real life that I believe understand or are on the same journey.  So I will continue to follow and post and link while I lose!

I have been recording my eating in a food journal.  I just opened the notepad on my desktop on my computer.  I made a little icon so I just click and type, save and I am set.  It has been a great way for me to go back over the week and see what I have been doing.

My goal is portion control and eating whole, natural foods.  I can't do weight watchers or calorie counting.  It doesn't work for me.  I have tried those methods and I feel deprived and ...well, I feel trapped.  So, my focus has been for a long time on trying to incorporate healthy, whole foods into our diet while removing processed foods.  I have decided that is my focus now, but with more portion control and control or "treats".  Because lets face it, no matter how natural the ingredients, or how many "good" ingredients in a cookie, if I eat the whole batch in a day, I won't lose weight.

I think I will continue to write down what I eat.  I think that keeps me accountable.  This week as I was going to get something to eat I would think, do I want to write this down.  and it stopped me a few times from eating something I shouldn't, or eating MORE of something then I needed.

that's what I'm doing this week.

For Sale

Well, our house went on the market finally!  I hope and pray it sells quickly and we can move on with our lives. 

I did recover yesterday, but today I feel ok, it's just that I couldn't be motivated to do much.  We got our learning in pretty well, but my cleaning and purging I am supposed to be doing kind of fizzled.  I have been on such a roll, guess it had to end sometime.  I was just feeling the snowball effect I think.  Like I can't clean this and put it away because I need something downstairs to be cleaned up and before I do that the couch has to move and to do that I need my hubby and when he gets home there isn't time yada yada yada...

so nothing got done.  Oh and it doesn't help that every time I get a room neat and vaccuumed, I go to the bathroom and come back to a disaster!  I know that it is because I have small children, but come on!  one day!! could I have even the illusion of progress for one day??

and something I hadn't thought much about til right now (because my stomache is growling) is that I have been making a concious effort to eat better.  my focus this week has been on simply eating less.  I am not totally restricting my eating (I had a handful or two of carmel corn) but I didn't eat the entire package, something I normally would have done. so I am starting with eating mostly what I normally would, but just less of it.  And another big change, is if I do feel very hungry inbetween meals I eat a CUTIE (manderin oranges).  they are in season and super sweet these days (though not local of course which vexes me so)

anyway, I guess what I was trying to say is that eating less and being hungry sometimes during the day could be a bit draining.  I am trying to remember to take vitamins to help (whole food vits).  but until my body gets used to it and I lose a bit, or I find another energy boost, I guess I will have to push through as not to lose too much momentum on the cleaning.

I still want to post my new school schedule and routines, but I have a date with my hubby (late night LOST catch-up before the new season)

more

I need more time, more energy, more focus, more coffee LOL

I woke up feeling dreary this morning.  The weather is foggy and cold wich usually I love.  But today I woke up with a headache and feeling unrested.  I don't want to excersize, I don't want to work on cleaning, I don't want to do devotions or homeschool.  I want to read, go back to bed....

I need some more sleep!!

ok, so instead, I am going to go take my vitamins and drink a big glass of water.  then I am going to start some laundry and get the kids focused on school.  Then, to help me refocuse on school I will be writing out a list of our curriculum and our goals by the end of this school year.....I'll be back!

the number

A friend of mine asked me, a couple of years ago, if I would go on the Biggest Loser with her.  I am not sure if she was serious, but I laughed.  I said there was no way I was standing half naked on national television and letting the world know my weight.  But tonight I sit here and watch the season premier, I am struck that it does take courage.  Courage to be on tv, but courage to take the first step.  People have been on the show and you can tell they don't get it.  Then you see a young girl cry when she sees the number.

I cry  when I see the number.  I don't want to face the number.  I don't feel like that number.  It doesn't define me....or does it? 

I don't want to live in the shadow of a number.  So as part of my resolve to lose weight, I am going to announce my numbers.  I hope it will inspire me, at the least motivate me. And I hope it will get smaller in the process :)

today isn't the beginning of my journey.  I have been on this journey my whole life.  but I hope today is a turning point.... today I am 287 lbs.

Resolve

so I have been thinking about resolutions...to resolve to do something. I don't want to be cliche, but I resolve to loose weight this year (more specifically be healthy).  I resolve to deepen my relationship with my Creator.  I resolve to live in the now . I resolve to be a better wife and mother. I feel like I can't make these decisions.  It will mean failure when I don't meet those goals. I have already resolved to fail.  WHY?

I want to meet these goals.  I don't want to give up before I have started.  I have some ideas, and some blogs I am following for help.  I want to blog my journey, for better or worse.  I want to succeed...I resolve to succeed!

saying goodby

well, all but one of our puppies went to their new homes today. The last one will go home later this week. I am sad.  I will miss them.  they were really fun to play with.  yes I am going to have some scars from their playful nips, oh but how cute they were all clamoring for me with such excitement.  and when they were sweet an quietly napping on my lap...oh what angels.  Now, my parents took one of the pups so we will still get to see her often.  But with that all said....I will be so excited to clean my kitchen!  It has been smelly and dirty and chaotic for the last 8 weeks!  It was hard to be motivated to cook or even do my Christmas baking because it was a full time kennel.

So, I wish we could have kept one :)  but am going to spend tomorrow cleaning and scrubbing and hopefully baking some cookies, finally...YAY!

Thanksgiving

We just read a book called 1621: A New Look at Thanksgiving.  I have known for a long time that the original story was much different from the distorted "cleaned up" version we all learn as children.  And the story of what is considered the first Thanksgiving isn't even that terrible.  It was a harvest celebration by the English.  The natives came to see what the commotion was (thinking maybe they were preparing for war) and when they realized it was a celebration, they stayed and participated.  Kind of a diplomatic meeting.  But because of the soon after tragedies inflicted on those peoples and others through out north America in the years to come, I can see how they could feel Thanksgiving isn't really a reason to celebrate. 

The book is great at offering a lot of fact and it was a nice study, a bit more in depth then what we are used to.  I definitely don't want to sugar coat what actually happened when the English invaded this country and basically took it over from it's original native peoples.  I want my kids to know the truth.  But I also believe that a national day of giving thanks isn't a bad thing.  I know this holiday gets over looked as there isn't much to market besides food.  But I think the best thing we can do is to thank God for the blessings in our lives.  No, we don't need a holiday to do it.  Any day will work.  But there is something special about a day that is set aside for remembering to be thankful. 

That is the attitude I want to plant in my children.  To be grateful and to count their blessings.  (And hopefully they can learn not to step on the dreams of others at the same time.)  So learn the history behind the holiday, but don't let it dampen the spirit of gratitude that this holiday can help us to remember year after year.

I need this post

I was just reading this post and I haven't even wrapped my mind around it yet.  But I know I need to answer the questions and think on the truths expressed.  I will be back to it often as I seek His will and my renewed forward motion that I am having so much trouble capturing.  I want to live in His will and I am never sure that I am.  And so I need to pray.  That is the answer...pray.

Busy busy

Wow!  we had such a busy weekend!  Friday I had Bible study and was also making food for friends coming over as well as for our Fall Feast on Saturday (cause I wasn't home all day Sat).  We had our friends over and got to meet their wonderful newly adopted son which was such a joy! We really enjoyed that evening!  Then my mom showed up just as the were leaving.  She came to spend the night because there was some snow and we had big plans the next day so she made sure to be there. 

Saturday morning saw some snow but not as bad as predicted I think.  So mom and I headed to our Holly Daze scrapbooking crop.  For the whole day!  It was so nice.  I haven't done much on my scrapbooks in probably 5 years.  There is a lot of catch up to do but it was easiest to start on Emma's baby book. (I haven't even done Gabe's yet, but one step at a time)

We had a great time chatting and eating and working on our projects.  I really miss my mom.  She is only 2 hours away, but sometimes that feels like a lot.  I really enjoy her company.  So the day seemed to go too quickly and soon it was time to head home.  When I got home my wonderful husband was already warming the soup I had made the day before for our feast.  So I changed clothes, said good by to my mom.  She was heading home before any more snow hit and we were off to our feast.

The set up was already underway when we showed up at church.  It all came together beautifully and the tables looked great.  The food was good and the performers did an excellent job.  We have some very talented kids in our homeschool group.  Megan performed a favorite piano piece "Little Green Frog".  She did it beautifully. I am very proud of her.

Well, long night of clean up and we went home and went to bed.  Sunday came and back to church but the afternoon was lazy and unproductive.  I felt so bad we weren't doing anything...but sometimes a little rest is what is called for after such a busy weekend.

Gratituesday: My Husband

I am so thankful for my husband who loves me as Christ loved the church.  He has sacrificed so much for me lately and I am so grateful.  I never imagined he would be so generous and still love me even when I ask so much of him.  I won't go into too much detail, but if you read some earlier posts about us moving and then moving back, you will see that my husband, though not excited, wanted to make me happy and provide what I needed both times. Of course he works hard everyday for our family and so I can stay home and home school.  He is truly selfless and I love him more each day!

Head over to Heavenly Homemakers to see what others are thankful for or leave your own post on gratitude.

Heavy subject

  I am feeling very run down.  My body is giving out on me.  I am feeling the weight of my...weight.  I have always been over weight.  Sometimes more then others.  I think I have been a been heavier then I am now, but not by much.  I have always felt pretty healthy and strong though.  until now.  I am discouraged because I have no energy.  I know that exercising is supposed to give you energy, but it is so hard to get started.  I need a good kick in the pants I think!

I think I need help is what I am saying.  Doing this on my own just isn't an option any more.  I know I need to eat better, but my will power isn't there, and I know I need to exercise, but again, no motivation.  I do not want to use any kind of artificial weight loss method...that means no gimmicks, no fad diets(or fake supplements), no surgeries.  But that also means no quick fix.  This is a long hard road to loosing at least a hundred pounds. 

Brendan wants to help but I guess I feel like he is being bossy and judgemental when he says "do you really need that extra helping?"  So I can't have him be anything but a cheerleader.  I have friends who need to loose weight too, but I feel like they, like me, struggle with motivation and will power and in the past I have found them to not be as helpful.

So what do I need?  I'd love to have a Biggest Looser environment with out the embarrassment of national television.  I need a scheduled time for exercise.  I need good solid, healthy, meal plans I can stick to.

I want to be better.  I want to be healthier.  I want to be thinner and have more energy for my family... but I am tired.  I have always had to deal with this and I am tired of it.  I obviously haven't do a very good job, but still I am tired of dealing with it.

I will probably continue to address this subject...hopefully with a more positive outlook, and a plan.

Giveaway!

I was just reading about this great giveaway. I have been reading Hip Mountain Mama's blog for a couple of months now and am really enjoying her natural take on things.  I strive to better myself by trying to chose more eco friendly ways of doing things and buying local, reused and sustainable items.  So go ahead over and get yourself entered too!

puking pumpkins

So here are a few of our pumpkins.  The boys saw this and had to do it too. ICK!  But that's boys for ya.
Here is Megan's....

I carved this one...

And here's our little goblins.... ready for their sugar rushes...

Aniken, pirate, clone trooper and ladybug.

Snow day

So yesterday was a snow day around here.  Many things were closed though not everything.  But Bren got to stay home from work so were were glad for the day together.  Since things have been busy around here, we took the opportunity to carve our pumpkins.  The kids always balk over touching the goo inside, but lucky for me they dig in anyway. I was so nervous because my husband just hands them the knife and says start carving!  Every slice had me flinching and ready to rush to the emergency room (that would have been fun!).  But in the end they all did a fine job.  Since it was snowy we didn't set them all up on the porch yet,  hopefully it will be melted enough by tomorrow for us to do that.  Then I will take a picture and post it, because really you need the full affect of the extra "props". 

The great thing about homeschooling is that we don't get snow days :)  The kids don't think it is that great, but I love that something like this actually gives us more time together and new fun things to do and learn as a family.  Because Brendan was home the kids got to do some art with him.  They took the time to get out the oil pastels and practice with them when normally I don't have them out for fear of a little one getting ahold of them.  But because we could have separate time with dad it facilitated some extra learning.  Oh and don't forget the lessons involved in building structure.  I mean you have to learn that you can't stand on top of a snow fort, it will colapse! hehe

Here they are playing in the snow with the neighbors as it was melting this morning.

It's a....

LITTER!  Godiva did indeed give birth in the wee hours of the morning after laboring all night.  I was up with her most of the time because she was a little panicky. We saw the first little head pop out about 5:30 am.  Then within an hour we had 3. There was a long pause and more were born around 9am then a few more sporadically until about 12:45 pm.We had a total of 9 puppies born but one didn't make it.  The fourth born, like I said was born after a long gap and we considered maybe she was done, even though that is a small litter, so we let her outside to go.  We watched closely and she paused and sniffed the spot (by the was did I mention we are in the midst of a blizzard?) so Jordan put shoes on and ran out sure enough finding a puppy in the snow!  So we have named him blizzard.  the last puppy born was also not breathing like the one we lost.  I spent a good amount of time rubbing her but it seemed like a lost cause.  I didn't want to break any ribs or her neck or anything, but I figured I could rub hard because she was already dead right?  well I kept persisting and after a long while got a faint gasp.  Her gasp was raspy and sounded like fluid.  I thought maybe it was a reflex since I was rubbing her diaphragm.  I let Godiva lick her a bit and then would rub her some more and she was taking more raspy breaths!  I didn't think there was anything else I could do so I left her with the others figuring there was no way she could fight to nurse, but I let Godiva just lick away.  We named her hope because we hoped she would live.  I made some lunch and went back asking where she went and found out she was fighting to nurse like the rest!!!  She still had a labored breathing pattern, but when put to the nipple she sucked (I helped fight off older siblings).  So far she looks and acts like the rest...what a miracle!

So, we ended up with 8 puppies at the end of the day.  There are 6 girls and 2 boys!  They look like black labs, so unless the colors change as they grow, we may never know what the father was.  Oh well, they are cute as can be!  And they are ready to go home in eight weeks...anyone want a puppy for Christmas??

oops

so Godiva, our chocolate lab is about to have puppies.  Any day now.  In fact I think it could be tonight.  She has been digging and breathing heavy and her ears feel cool though I haven't taken her temp. I am sad for her because she is 8 and a half.  That is too old to have puppies.  When we moved to Bennett we talked about getting her fixed.  We had no fences and we just knew that was a disaster waiting to happen.  But with all the other things going on it wasn't a first priority.  And besides, I paid close attention in the beginning and she never ventured far.  She was so good about sticking close to the house.  Wow!  How lucky. 

So I got comfortable and lo and behold one day she went into heat and the next she vanished,  Eventually sauntering home at 11pm!  So the next day I watched her closely and only let her out to do her business and right back in.  But, helpful children who walk by the dog scratching at the door let her out so she wouldn't make a mess on the floor....GREAT!  Midnight rolls around and we are out calling for her.  This goes on for a few more days.  One morning Bren woke up and was startled by what he thought was a coyote sniffing at the garage door where the dog is kept.  Well, by the end of that week Godiva no longer wandered and never did again the rest of the time we lived there.

Sixty-three days later here we are.  With an old dog about to pop.  I feel sorry for her.  I do love birth, and puppies, so I am trying not to be too down.  I hope Godiva will be fine.  She is old, but still strong.  The kids are thrilled.  But taking care of puppies is also messy and a lot of work.  So we will see how the next few days play out.

what to write?

I sit here pondering what to write.  I have many things, some profound, some mundane, that could be wrapped up in neat phrases and set to this page.  I want to write things worth reading.  I read many blogs and get inspiration from most.  I wish I could write like that, to inspire.  I am not a natural writer.  I enjoy journaling and maybe that is more what this should be, just a journal.  But writing a daily journal feels dull.  I could write about what we had for breakfast, about our shopping trip and about my darling four year old who is obsessed with Star Wars. It would be a fun thing for me to read later, but would anyone else want to read it?  I feel like most blogs I read who have a following, they are writing to an audience.  So maybe my writings here should be focused on finding an audience.  Who would I speak to?  Could I inspire others?

clutter

Well, I am trying to unpack now that we are back in our old house. It was easy at first, everything already had a place here so I should be able to get it back in that place. Then I got to the boxes that were just thrown together. No real place. Just random things collected from around the house, mostly toys. I want to simplify. That is what I have wanted for a long time now. Less stuff! Wow, but that is hard. As I go through some of the things I think, "I can't throw THIS out." Well, a few tons of stuff later here we are.

SO how do you do it? How do you declutter and keep only what you love? What if you love lots of things? I have many things that have sentimental value. And then there are the things I would gladly move on from, but the kids or the husband MUST have it. sigh.

That is my goal for the next few days...to declutter, simplify, and start to create (re -create)some daily routines for my house keeping so it flows more smoothly around here. It is overwhelming so I am trying to take it one step at a time.

we did it

Well, after much prayer and contemplating, we moved back to the old neighborhood. We abandoned our dream of the country life. It was just nothing like we thought and we were so overwhelmed by so many things we didn't expect. It is so nice to be back in our old house. We still have a lot of work to do. We have to sell the house in the country and that may be a hard task in this economy. But we trust that God has been leading us and He will continue to do so. All we can do is trust that this part will be taken care of in the same way.

I am getting unpacked and enjoying having things the way they were. I am having a good time getting back into all my old routines (but hopefully not the bad habits) and I am enjoying being close to things again.

I am not sure why were have been taken on this roller coaster...but I keep trusting there is a reason.

reality bites

so I have wanted to live a simpler life. I wanted to grow my own food and raise some too. I wanted to live out where there was more space between me and the next guy. To this end, I started researching places to live, homes for sale so that my husband could still get to work in the city in a reasonable amount of time. This was 8 months ago. Since then we found a house only 25 mins from hubby's work, in a small town of farmers. Thirty nine acres! I thought it was my dream property. Plenty of space here! WOW I had such plans. It took a couple of months to get financing worked out but we closed on April 28th. The house was a fixer upper for sure. Bren worked round the clock fixing and painting and roofing and drywalling! I know he put everything he had into this. Finally we decided to move in June 20th even though there was some finish work to do.

Since that time, reality has certainly hit, and boy does it pack a punch! First we had a mega moth infestation. Thousands would line the walls and windows. We had them in our beds, in our cupboards, everywhere! Finally they subsided and the mosquitoes set in. We can't go outside. We run to the car waiving our hands furiously. And it's not just that they are outside. They must have figured out the moth's secret entrance, because they are in the house. I can't sleep at night just laying there feeling them on me. We have replaced screens and any time we open a window we have a huge influx of mosquitoes. So the windows and doors stay shut.

This brings up another "plague", the heat. The house is west facing and has some skylights. Boy is it hot in here! And we can't open windows if we want to keep the mosquitoes at bay, so all we can do is sweat. No air conditioner here.

So I am very sad. My dreams aren't panning out the way I hoped. Right now I want to go back to the city. I want to give up this "simple" life in favor of my old life which turned out to be way simpler then I had realized......

Bad mom

ok, I haven't posted in so long! Emma is six months old and I still feel like I am recovering. And though I know I can't compare my self and my life to others, I can't help but feeling even worse when I was reading another blog of a woman who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago and in the comments was a woman saying the blogger was such a good mom because there was a picture of the daughter on the blog and she had a bow in her hair. So, the makings of a good mom is having a bow in your child's hair? I mean, I would love to be that good, but frankly, not the top of my list. Does that make me a bad mom because I don't have bows in my older daughter's hair? I mean her baby is only a couple of weeks old, mine is six months! If I can't do it by now I must be so very bad!! ugggg!



well, enough of that rant. I am feeling very argumentitive lately, like I just want to buck the system, rebel against athourity! I feel immature for feeling that way, but I don't need, for instance, my church taking attendance every week by making me fill out the welcome card though I am not a newcomer. And my homeschool group wants me to rsvp yes OR no to EVERY activity it plans. Like I have all this time to go through the calendar and let them know I WON'T be attending Friday's activity! sheesh. If I don't let you know I'm coming...assume I am not!



Anyway, this spirit of strife has gotten me into trouble lately. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut when I don't agree with something. I keep praying I will just be able to let stuff go, but I really am having a hard time with it.

She's here ! Emma arrived on May 8th. She was 10 pounds 13 oz!!!!!!!! We are doing great. More about our newest addition later.

Counting down

Well, here we are, still pregnant. I shouldn't listen when the midwife says I will be early. I shouldn't listen when she says baby is heads up. I know the baby will be big, but she has been hyping it up as a possible record breaker and I have decided not to listen any more.

I believe that a midwife is a better choice then a doctor in a hospital. This is most especially true if there is a normal pregnancy with no complications. But I think I put too much stock in her knowledge. I mean, I think she obviously knows a ton about birth, she has been overseeing deliveries for over 20 years. But what I mean is, she isn't God. She doesn't know everything. She can take my blood pressure, test my urine, ask all the "relevent" questions, but she can't see inside of me. She doesn't know the day I conceived (especially since I don't know) and she (since I am overweight anyway) can't tell the exact weight of this baby.

I have been a bit up tight the last few weeks because she believed the baby would come earlier then we first thought. Well, obviously that isn't the case as I sit here with a bulging foot in my lungs. Baby is heads down as it should be, and I do expect to have the baby in the next few weeks of course. But I know I need to relax and know it will come when it is good and ready. My pregnancy has been healthy and uneventfull (unless you count the breech scare).

I am trying hard to be patient, which is hard because I had been lead to believe I would already be holding my little bundle by now. SO lesson to learn here is...listen to my instincts, my body and don't let someone else have undue control over my emotions.

And so we wait...

Just when I thought I was in control...

OK, so I have been a basketcase the last few weeks because my midwife told me she thought the baby could be breech. She didn't seem that worried and said there was time (maybe, since we don't really know the date) and that maybe at some point we could get an ultrasound to confirm.

So I have been googling my little heart out. I know that in the medical profession breech=cesarean. So of course this sent me into a tizzy. NO WAY! So I also looked up all this home remedy stuff for turning breech babies as well as any info on birthing breech at home that I could find. Even though all my findings were positive, I could still have it at home, I have birthed very large babies before so I am pretty safe there, I still couldn't shake this weird feeling like what if it doesn't turn!!???

Today my wonderful midwife confirmed that she felt this little bugger in the heads up position! GRRRR! So I have some instructions for helping motivate it to flip on it's own, and hopefully it will turn. She is also fairly confident that it will be sooner then our original projected date of April 26th. By how much? We don't know, it really has a chance of coming any time after March 30th we believe. It is a huge long story which I may write about here, but probably not because it involves female cycle talk, and no one really wants that much detail, right?

Anyway, I am still not happy about it, but having seen the midwife, confirmed it and having a plan of action has definitely put me more at ease. If you are so inclined...pray that it will turn, not be too big (my last one was 10 1/2 lbs) and the home birth will go beautifully.

Works for me Wednesday

I am always trying to come up with something for Works for me Wednesday over at Rocks in my Dryer but I can't ever think of anything. I love this backwards edition because I get to ask a question!! And this one is a doosy.....

So, at Christmas Santa brings us presents at our house. This is a big deal to me. I grew up with it being this very magical thing, and so it is fun to make it that magical for my kids. Please none of this "Christians shouldn't do Santa" and "it's lying to my kids" etc. I understand that argument, believe me I do, (hence the coming dilemma) but we like the magic.

OK, that is until on of the toys, a very expensive toy, breaks! On use two! A remote control car, did I mention expensive? OK, so I need to return it, it was only a couple of days after Christmas, I have the receipt... only Santa brought it. SO how to explain (to a 10 year old) why Santa does shoddy work, and how we are going to get a new one...all the way from the North Pole? I don't know what to do in this situation...any advice? Cause basically I had to lie more. I had to take it to a "shop" to get it fixed. Only I returned it and it was a seasonal item so no one has it anymore. When I finally find a store across town with ONE left....it is a different color!!!! More lying. The "shop" couldn't fix it so they gave me a replacement.???

My son didn't question it, really, but I had a horrible time trying to get around the whole returning it to the store, and getting a different color while still maintaining the Santa story. SO my question is, for those of you who "do Santa", what do you do, and say, when something breaks??

If you have a question, or an answer, head over to Works for me Wednesday backwards edition.


PS. I think the reason my son didn't question too much is that he is beginning to know it isn't Santa, but is afraid to say it. (I know some of you may think he is old to believe it, but being homeschooled I don't have as much of the cynical influence of kids at school who don't believe.) I could have just told him, but I want it to go as long as possible, and I think this was probably his last year believing anyway, I wasn't ready to ruin the magic just yet. I am sure by next year he will ask us about it, and we will tell him the truth, but not yet.

Extra PS. this has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I would add, that my son actually questioned the Target emblem on the playdoh box my three year old got from Santa more then my whole story about the car...weird.

Expectations? or I don't know what I am doing

UUUGGG! We have tried to start some kind of routine today. I got up, not all that early, but in enough time to actually make breakfast for the kids before they got tired of waiting and just ate cold cereal. I am dressed, and everyone but the 3 year old is dressed. I have read the Bible, though the kids haven't yet. My oldest has been working on math, we needed to catch up a bit before our new books come next week. He is learning division and is convinced it is the end of the world. If only I could get him to understand it is just the opposite of multiplication...

My daughter is cleaning her room, a good thing, except it always takes so long because she has to play as she goes, and 3 hours later she hasn't made much progress. The toddler is watching his 3rd movie of the morning. Is that ok? I feel like he shouldn't be watching tv, but he has been sick and I like this better then me sitting with him sprawled on my lap with a 103 degree fever, so I let it go.

My point today is that I don't feel like I really have any goals for our learning right now. I can think of all these great things I want us to learn about, but the details of actually doing anything just aren't falling in place. I have my oldest fighting everything I try tooth and nail, the toddler just wants to be in the middle of everything, or at least have my attention, and over the holidays my mom got on my case because my daughter (7, second grade) told her she didn't know how to write. My mom (who teaches art in public school) started in on how she needs a spelling book and there are certain standards she needs to meet for sentence writing and blah, blah, blah...

Of course the next time I went shopping that same daughter brought me a shopping list of all the things she was buying with her Christmas money. Not everything was spelled right, but I'd say that her claim of not being able to write was a bit overexagerated. But of course how do I defend myself against my mom who wants spelling books and structured lessons and I told her our writing consists of copying poems and scriptures and we do read and I have taught her the phonics rules. We finally dropped the subject, because no one was giving in. Now I feel bad though, like I need to prove to her my daughter can write. I shouldn't have to, it isn't about what she thinks, but it's my MOM. ya know?

So I feel a bit lost right now, like I need to change something, be more structured, fill in some blanks I know we are missing. But how. I know the biggest weakness in our learning is the writing, but I don't know how to fill it in without doing "school at home". I think our relaxed style works for us, but how do I fill in those blanks and keep that "unschool" feel?

I am just hoping to have some kind of revelation soon.

Happy New Year

OK, I know it is a bit late for that kind of title, but it has been busy around here...still. We were at my parents house for New Year's and then the youngest got sick, we just started recovering today. And so, a new year deserves a new look. (I was just getting used to the old one)

And so, I don't have much else to say right now, I am just trying to get back to some kind of routine. Most blogs I have read show most everyone back in their school routines. I am hoping to be ready for that by Monday.

Three years old

Three years ago yesterday, I gave birth (at home) to a beautiful baby boy. He has been difficult and we have been tired, but we are blessed to have him and he lives up to his name Gabriel, for he has brought us to the presence of God in more then one way.

Happy Birthday and I love you sweet boy!

Read this...

Grace in a Manger

Ah ha, that's what's missing!

I was just reading a post from Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer about grace . It so very much more eloquently states the way I was feeling yesterday. I mean not exactly the same situation, but I have been feeling like my main problem lately is I have a lack of grace. We all do around here. We all tend to be short on patience and giving others the benefit of the doubt. It just wears on ya after a while.

Yes, more grace is what we need around here. Thanks Shannon of reminding me.

Discouraged

I am feeling discouraged lately. I am really feeling like I wasn't meant to be a mom. I love my kids dearly, but I feel like I am failing them at every turn. I just want to know how people with so many more kids get things done, and teach their children and cook and clean and have time for devotions and..... I know, they just do it. I have 3 kids, and one on the way, and I look at others both in real life and in blogs I read, and I wonder how they have energy to do the things they do, while pregnant with the 8th one or whatever. I can't even manage to read the Bible every day. I realize I need to set better priorities, but you haven't met my almost 3 year old!

I feel like I can't win. I am so tired of the kids fighting with each other, of me fighting with them. I wish I could say it's time for lessons with out the collective whining that in sues. I want to be able to say take these books upstairs for me without the argument. I want my 10 year old to stop pestering and tormenting the other 2 and I REALLY want him to stop talking back to us. I feel so hopeless after talking with him, and I feel like I have failed as a mother. He has a bad attitude and he is rude, disrespectful and angry most of the time. And I am at a loss at what to do. We have tried yelling, of course that didn't work, we have tried punishments (taking away privileges) we have tried rewards for good behavior, still nothing....and we always come back to yelling, mostly out of frustration and lack of knowing what else to do.

I am so tired of the struggle. I know that no one said being a parent was easy, I just thought there would be times when things might be easier. I am very disheartened that I can't seem to keep up with family devotions either. My husband was supposed to be in charge, but if I don't mention it, it doesn't get done. I know it should be a top priority, but isn't it his job, not mine?

Uuugggg! I hate feeling like this. I want to be a good mom, I just don't know how to deal with some of our issues right now. I can't keep up with the house, the toys are everywhere, laundry needs to be done (and I have been doing it everyday!) I am so emotionally exhausted from the struggles with the kids that I become physically tired and don't want to finish the housework most days.

I am not writing any of this for pity. I am just venting after what was a particularly hard day. I of course, hope tomorrow will be better. But most days seem to be going this way and I need to get the frustration out and figure out how to talk with the kids and teach them the right behavior, which apparently I am not good at or maybe we wouldn't have this problem now.

hopefully a good nights sleep will find me in better spirits....if the toddler stays in bed :)

New look

Ok, I have had this blog for a little over a year I think, and I have been slowly learning how to work it! I just customized some things and I am so excited. I really wish I was savy enough to make it really famcy and pretty, maybe that will come. But for now I am jsut happy to have Christmas colors and a pretty snowy picture (from my front yard during the blizzards we had last year).

I hope to keep learning how to make it better looking, and I really hope to have some more time to blog (as well as a topic) very soon!

Christmas ebook

I was just reading this review over at Enjoy the Journey. I have been saddened that Lindsay isn't updating her Christmas blog (though the archives are still available), so when I read the review I started thinking that this could be the thing I am looking for.

If you are looking for some good Christian perspective on Christmas and some activities and recipes, it looks like Marybeth Whalen has the answers. Go take a look!

Works For me Wednesday

OK, this is backwards day over at Rocks in my Dryer . That means I get to ask a question and hopefully some one can help me with an answer. So here we go...

I have a 9 year old (to be ten next month) boy, a 7 year old girl, a 2 year old (to be three next month) boy and a baby on the way. Right now the two boys share a room and my daughter has her own room. We have one extra room that has been a play/guest room. We are considering moving the oldest into that room and then putting the baby in with the toddler. The problem is that the toddler won't sleep in his room alone. We have done some practice nights and he just won't go to bed by himself. My older son gets lots of credit because he is very gracious and always agrees to come back into the room with the toddler.

The baby isn't due until April and will probably sleep in my room for a while, but I know my oldest wants his privacy. And being 10 next month, I think he should be able to have it. So if you have some advice on getting my toddler to like having his own room, and getting him to sleep there, let me know!

Thanks!

This is great!

OK, so I was reading Enjoy the Journey earlier and Lindsey has this great idea for a bumper sticker...Anyone but Hillary '08 !!! I think it is perfect!!!!!! So if you want one, go check her out. I am getting some for sure!

oh the news!

I can't believe I have totally bailed on the blogging thing. I have just been so busy and tired and blah. I have even neglected to post about being PREGNANT! I am 12 1/2 weeks along...I think. Pregnancy isn't an exact science. First, I am not exactly sure when I conceived, and of course, babies come when they are ready. SO we are looking at late April maybe early May.

I have been pretty nauseous, and very tired. I have been having a hard time focusing on homeschool. I don't have the energy to do a lot of the normal activities. Today is the first day we have been to the library since August. Well, we were on vacation for 2 weeks in September, but still. The kids of course are enjoying the little break. We still read and since we are more unschool/Charlotte Mason, we read a lot of living history as well as fiction and today we checked out some science books. And I hadn't ordered our math yet, so I did so this week. I hope that since I am going into the second trimester next week, that hopefully I will be feeling better and more on top of things.

I would like to post a bit on our vacation and the Creation Museum we went to. Hopefully I can get to that soon.

Loner

So I have been thinking lately how different I am. I mean, I know EVERYONE is different, that's what makes us special right? Well, I am not talking about how you have blond hair and I have brown, I am talking about my life choices fitting into some kind of category.

I mean, when some one says they are a republican, you automatically know a few things about them. When they say they are agnostic, or Buddhist or Christian, you have a few basics already covered. But me, I am not fitting into any category. I consider myself a conservative Christian, but when you get down to it, I have a few beliefs that don't really fit that.

Like I am all about environmental responsibility, "going green", kind of a liberal thing. I am into all natural childbirth, whole food eating, home remedies, extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting (all kind of considered liberal hippyism). I home school, which usually would have people thinking I fit into this very staunch christian school-at-home model, yet I am an unschooler (more popular in non-christian circles).

And in some cases I lean more toward the very traditional side, like my role as a wife and mother, but I have some modern Christian views that would be considered not so conservative.

All this to say that I really identified with Phat Mommy . I feel on the outside every where I go. When I am at church I feel too liberal for them, when I am at a La Leche League meeting I feel too conservative. I feel put down for my choices or at least that if I express why I do things a certain way, that others think I am putting their choices down.

I want to share with others my lifestyle, to educate and to maybe find other moms who understand what I am going through. I don't want to tell other people how to do things. I do think that everyone has to find the way that fits their family and is true to who God created them to be. And that isn't the same as me...it would just be nice to find someone who understands me.

Going Green

I have been going through the process of figuring out how to live healthier. There are several reasons for this. One, as I shared in my last post, is that I am over weight and need to be eating better. Another is that I want to be a good steward of what God has given me. There are many areas to consider in a healthy lifestyle as well.

It's not just about eating more natural and whole foods, which I am trying so hard to do. It is also about the products we use and how we are taking care of the earth God gave us to watch over and subdue. I really think that when God gave is this planet to subdue he didn't mean trash it. He didn't mean take over and kill everything in your path and he certainly didn't mean for us to create substances which slowly kill us. I don't think it is fair to say if I want to be kinder to our environment (and myself) I must be some kind of liberal hippy. Which by the way is what my husband thinks of me.

I have been trying to learn more about how to make my own homemade foods in the most natural state possible, and I have been researching cookware and storage ware that doesn't leach chemicals into my food. I have been trying to find more natural shampoos and lotions, etc. And I am finding that everything is harmful!

Now, I am trying hard not to be such a paranoid weirdo (to quote my husband) about all this, but the more research I do, the more I am convinced there is not much out there that isn't slowly poisoning us. I know that I can't avoid everything. I just want to change some of the things I have control over and know about. Things like my cookware. I don't want to use Teflon anymore. I also know that there could be some leeching from stainless steel. I think I will be buying a cast iron pan soon and am looking for some glass Corning ware pots for the stove top. So far am not having much luck anywhere besides eBay, and the shipping is outrageous!

I also have been trying to cut down on using plastic, both bags and for food prep and storage. There are some really good posts about this over here . I keep forgetting to take my canvas bags shopping so I opt for paper instead. Which by the way, no one knows how to use! The clerks just fill 'em up! Oh man! I have to try to be so patient and I usually just ask to do it myself before they break something. I really wish everyone had handles on their bags like Whole Foods.

More on this later, I have to go start dinner.

Random thoughts and why I have been awol

Oh man, we still can't get over the fevers, stuffy noses and coughing! I got a brief stuffy nose, but am fine now. But the boys (including hubby) just can't shake it. Gabe had a fever for 4 days and now his lips are all swollen and chapped from not being able to breathe out of his nose. I keep putting balm on his poor lips, but it doesn't last long. He is majorly cranky too. The fever finally broke yesterday and he seems better, still fussy though.

I kinda lost momentum on the spring cleaning thing. We did the kitchen, and by the next day the kids and dog had muddied the floor again! I kinda fell into this slump of it-will-never-stay-that-way-so-why-bother-even-doing-it !! And now the dog is shedding so I need to get back to it because the house is being overcome with dog hair. UGGGG! I need some more motivation! I had been doing so well and then once a little of the chores get away from me it is like a landslide and nothing ends up getting done.

On a positive note, I have been walking every day this week! I just do it nice and early so it isn't too hot. I take out the stroller and the older kids ride bikes or roller blades, and we walk down to our neighborhood park. They get to play for a bit and then we walk home along a different route. The goal is to go 3 times a week at least. I really want to work on loosing weight and being healthier. I have a real problem with the food part though.

I just don't do well on diets. I don't like all the rules and measuring that goes on. I don't like the counting points or calories etc. I want to eat naturally, when I am hungry and what I am hungry for. Obviously that has worked for me so far right?? NOT! (I need to loose at least 100lbs to be at a healthy weight.)

OK, so what do I do? Last summer I tried Body for Life. I didn't follow their eating plan to a T because I don't like to drink the shakes or eat the bars they recommend, just too high in artificial stuff for me. But I increased my protein and ate good carbs in a balance with the protein. And I went to the gym every day! I did weight lifting and cardio. I lost 10lbs in 12 weeks. I probably would have lost more had I followed the exact eating plan.

I don't want to spend the money on the gym. I know there is plenty of activity I can work into my life, if I just do it. Hence, the walking. Anyway, I need to just buckle down on the food issue and start measuring portions, and I do need to up my protein intake as I let it slide again. I do think that makes a difference. I don't believe in cutting out carbs, but I do think eating the right ones and in a good balance with the protein is a good way to go.

And so, though I could go on, the kids are wanting breakfast and I need to shower.

Spring cleaning!

The kids and hubby have been so sick the past few weeks that I just skimmed right over the Easter season with no posts :(

I had just no energy from caring for everyone and finally convinced hubby to go to the doctor. The kids all recovered with a good long dose of echinacea, but hubs just can't shake it. So, now he has a prescription and hopefully will be on the mend.

So, today I started some spring cleaning! I got some great tips from The Family Homestead . Today I started in the Kitchen. We have done all the floors and walls. After my little break here I am going to tackle the fridge! The kids are helping with minimal complaining. I had Jordan (9) doing walls and then mopping. Megan (7) did baseboards and a bit of sweeping (I finished up), and Gabe (2) helped with his own rag around the baseboards.

It was nice to get us all working together with little strife from anyone. We had praise music on and just sang.

I hope it continues to go well and I hope I can get most of the kitchen done today! Wish me luck! :)

Who is raising your child?

This is something dear to my heart and I just haven't been motivated to write about it until today. I just read a post at Farm home life about the subject of kids being raised in daycare. She notes that people go to work and are more focused on material things then on what their children are doing, seeing and learning. I know there are some families out there that feel they NEED to have both working parents. I also know that the majority of those that feel that way, really don't. I believe almost anyone can make it work on one income, if they tried. Or if they WANTED to.

Trixie did a great job of making that argument, so I will take it a step further here and say what happens when that child has had a mom home with them for 5 years raising them, loving them, nurturing them, and teaching them, and then one day that mom ships her child off to school half the day to learn from someone else? (and don't even get me started on full day kindergarten!) Soon the child is gone to school for a full day and again parents wonder why their child came home with thoughts and attitudes they don't approve of. I would pose the question of how is it ok to say "Don't send your child to daycare because someone else is raising them" and yet its ok with those same people to send their child to school for 8hours a day?

Someone else is raising your children! Don't be confused about that. You don't see your child for 7-8 hours a day and someone else, whether teachers or peers, is instructing and teaching, molding and shaping your child's thoughts and attitudes towards life.

I know this is a controversial issue, and I know not everyone thinks they can homeschool, but I want people to own it. I want everyone to look at their choices, and know they are choosing to let others raise their children. If that is ok with you, then that's fine. I am not saying everyone has to do it this way, but acknowledge it. Don't pretend that because you look over the homework and attend the PTA meetings that makes you in charge of their education.

Being an involved parent at your child's school is great! And I think it is a must! And being an involved parent, makes you a good, no a great parent. But don't think you have any say in what your child is really learning. You can try to counter the things you don't like when they get home, but think of this... your child gets up at 6:45am and leaves for school by 7:30am. He is gone until 3:30pm when he comes home, spends the afternoon playing and doing a bit of homework, then goes to bed at 8pm. You saw that child a total of 5 hours and 15 minutes...his teachers and peers saw him for 8 hours. Who do you think will have more influence?

I know if anyone reads this I am going to get some harsh comments, but I just want people to think about it, and own their decisions.

Summer treats

Works for me Wednesday-

It is that time of year again. I know its only a week into Spring, but the kids are already begging for swim suits, sprinklers and Popsicles. In our house though, I do make some Popsicles out of juice, but a favorite item is the snow cone! I have a little hand crank shaver that we use. I take a small bowl and freeze some water. This pops out and fits into the shaver quite nicely (that way I can keep several on hand and not have to waste all the good drink ice on this project).

We take turns cranking away at it until everyone has a big cup full of "snow". I bet you all think this is where I pull out the big jugs of syrup they sell for this type of thing. But no! My husband came up with using fruit juice concentrate, with out adding the water! We simply allow the can of concentrate to thaw and then we pour it over the "snow". It has such a wonderful flavor! I love grape! There are plenty of flavors, though you have to for go Cotton Candy and Bubble Gum, but who will really miss them?

That's what works for me! Check out more ideas over at Rocks In My Dryer .

A down day

I love being a mom. I am trying very hard to learn to be a better mom as well as a better wife and homekeeper. I desperately want to take care of my home and my family. I want to cook and clean and sew (still haven't learned) and bake homemade bread (something is wrong with my yeast, or me) and grow a garden and can the produce for winter (I haven't even gotten books on this subject yet and its almost planting time). A lot of lofty goals and I am not managing them well.

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am tired of doing the same things over and over. I did dishes twice today and as I am getting ready for bed, there stands a sink full of dishes! I gave the kids clothes to put away today and Jordan brings me a basket and says "look mom its full again." It never ends. I will never be able to sit down and look around and say "ahhh there we are, all done."

And I know this. It is not new information. But right now I am in a slump. I am tired of feeling like nothing I do is making progress. We do the same things day after day, and still, nothing changes. I don't have time to scrapbook, or read, or decorate my home because I feel like the mundane tasks of daily life are dragging me down.

And here I am getting ready for bed and kind of dreading the morning, where I know I will have to start over- messy dishes, floors, clothes- and feel once again like I am not measuring up to all I could be, should be, as a homekeeper.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Family

This week has been crazy for me. Well, for all of us. First, starting last week we had everyone come down with the stomach bug. First it was Megan, but only for a day, then Jordan and I but not as bad, then after several days with nothing, Gabe started throwing up, and had a fever and it lasted from last Thursday until Tuesday this week! That is alotta grossness! And on top of it all, we aren't at home. We are taking care of my grandmother at my parents house in Wyoming, while they are on vacation. It's one thing to be sick at home, but it is hard on all of us to be sleeping on air mattresses and using someone else's toilet, and floor (eww). I haven't gotten it yet, and I am praying I don't! And now Jordan has come down with a fever and cough.

(sigh)

So, my grandmother lives with my parents. She is 87 and senile. She has been here for almost 4 years, and no one expected her to make it this long. Her body isn't ready to give up. None of us wants to see her in a nursing home, and my dad's siblings aren't a big help. My parents are tired. I have been on board with not using a nursing home, but I have seen my parents deteriorate themselves since she has been here. My parents used to go snowmobiling, fishing, camping, and now they watch TV and do a bit of gardening. I am sad for them. They got about 3 years between my brother moving out and my grandmother moving in. And during that time, my mom had to go take care of her mom while she died from cancer.

I want to see my parents enjoy this part of their lives. I am glad to have the flexibility to come with all the kids in tow and not worry about pulling them out of school. That is the great thing about homeschooling, it can travel with us where ever we go. (Though I must say with all the sickness, we haven't accomlished as much as I had hoped). And I love that my parents can go away together for a whole week and have fun. They worry about me though. That I can't handle the demands of caring for my grandmother.

And it is hard sometimes. She can still use the bathroom, though I have to direct her to get both her pants AND her undies. And more then once I have had to remind her to sit on the toilet, not in the bathtub. I sometimes have to tell her what to do with the fork full of food she is holding, and she insists the people in the TV won't listen when she talks. She has a babydoll she carries around and treats like her child and then in the next breath is almost crying because she is sure it is dead. Almost none of the sentences she says make sense, you can sometimes piece together a meaning, and sometimes not.

I love her.

When I was a kid, my brother and I would go to her house for two weeks in the summer. My parents didn't go on vacation, they came back home and worked. But we had a blast. Grammy would take us to Kmart and buy us a little toy, we would go to the frozen yogurt shop next door, she would show us her garden and we would help her weed it, and then we would watch soap operas and eat homemade trail mix all afternoon. She rememebred to ask about school, and other activities we did. I felt like I could talk to her about anything. She would hug and kiss us and tell us how very much she loved us...And we knew she did.

The other night as I was tucking her into bed, I looked in her eyes, and told her I loved her, and though she can't say my name, and probably doesn't even know it, she looked at me and said she loved me, and I miss her! I am a grown woman, she has been loosing her memory since late in my highschool days, but I just wanted her to cuddle me and give me frozen yogurt, and KNOW me.

That is the part of me that wants her to be home, where people love her and can take care of her. But then there are my parents. We never thought she would make it this long, what if this goes on and on? My parents should get to travel and do the things they love. I have asked them to hire someone to come in and take care of her when they aren't here, even daily so that they can go out to dinner on their anniversary, or a Wednesday....So they can go fishing or camping on the weekends and not worry. But my dad feels like it is his responsibility, he even feels guilty I am here for a week. I guess I worry that all the stress and inactivity will lead to my parents premature senility or death.

This whole thing has been rambly. I am just feeling torn between my love for my Grammy, and my love for my parents. I want the best for everyone. Please pray the Lord will be gracious and bless my parents for their service.

Too much

No one in my life reads this blog. Well, I don't think anyone reads it quite yet, but I haven't told anyone I know about it. My husband knows I write it, but I haven't told him the address. A few friends know I have one but I have never really advertised where or what it's about. It isn't to be secretive or anything. I am not hiding something from my family and friends. Partly I don't think anyone would be interested, and mostly I want a place where I can say what I want and not have people judge me. Or at least, if they do judge me, I can delete their comments and go about my business.

As I have mentioned, I don't believe I have any "readers". I believe a few people have popped in here since I commented on their blogs, but I don't have a following so to speak. I guess that is a good thing since I have been reading about all the controversy other bloggers face when they report about their real lives. In one of Lindsey's comments a woman said someone commented negatively to her and left it anonymous saying she knew the person in real life. SO she wondered all the time who it is that fakes it with her but criticized her on her blog.

And that is why my real life friends and family don't come here. I have other spaces to leave pictures for relatives and share stories with friends, but this space is for me to ponder life, write about the mundane, as well as what I am passionate about (I will get to blogging about that someday) and for me to feel free to open up with out fear of loosing friends or offending those I see daily.

Behind again... always....

ok, so I am behind on laundry again, not too bad this time, but still not as organized as I want to be. I am also behind on Bible reading. I was doing so well in January but February just got away from me. I can still catch up if I double up for the next few weeks. I am trying hard not to just give up because I am behind.

I am finally de cluttering my bedroom! I have kids clothes laying on my ottoman that need to go in storage or taken to the consignment store. I never know what to keep for then next child. My older son is 7 years older then the youngest son. Do I save things he has grown out of for the next 7 years until the baby fits into it? Or do I say, let's move it out and I can repurchase up to date clothing when the time comes? I have my middle child, the girl, with no one to pass down clothes to. I hope to have another baby, and hopefully another girl, but since I am not preggo yet, there would be at least 7 years difference there too. So, should I give away the clothes, or keep them in hopes of using them some day?

I think it is harder for me to get rid of the girl clothes. First of all, they are all so cute! I can't bare to part with them! And I of course love to shop, so you would think I would just toss everything and start over, but I guess I am feeling a bit meloncholy over the possibility I WON'T have another. I hope to, and we are "trying", but nothing yet, and I do feel my childbearing years slipping away.

I know some people have kids after 35 and even well into their fourties, but I never saw myself doing that. I don't know how to describe my feelings on it exactly, but my husband and I always thought, we will have kids while we are young and struggling, then when we are older and more settled, and they are grown, we will still be young enough to travel and enjoy each other. I already have a 7 year difference between oldest and youngest. If I had another even now, the difference would be 10 years. That is a big deal to me.

And there is also the issue of my not wanting medical intervention in my pregnancy. I had my last child at home in a beautiful water birth that I will cherish all of my life! I would expect the same thing, though the older I get the less likely I will get by with no complications.

And so, I am not sure what to do now. I think about it all the time, what to do, do we perminently seal the deal and move on with three beautiful healthy children, do we adopt which would guarantee me a girl if I choose, or do we keep praying and waiting for more babies in God's time. The waiting and not knowing is hardest for me. If I knew that I would have a beautiful baby in two years, then I could be hapy and enjoy the time with only 3. But if we keep trying for the next 5 years and nothing, then decide to stop, I feel like I will worry and wonder the whole time and...oh this all seems so silly, of course I know I should be content and not worry and that is how a good Christian woman behaves, but I can't help it. I pray and wonder what to think or feel or do next and I don't feel like I have any answers...

and so I am waiting....

The House Fairy

I have subscribed to a great site called FlyLady for a couple of years now. They help you clean and organize your house. There are tips for decluttering and creating habits. I have really enjoyed the ideas and encouragement I get there. I can't say I follow the program perfectly, but I am slowly trying to develop good habits. Well, I came across another site through FlyLady that helps kids clean up and help around the house. It is called The House Fairy .

I think it looks like a great idea. I could probably create the whole thing myself, but for 2 years of notes and new ideas, I figured why not give it a go. And it is only $10. I love the idea of rewarding instead of nagging. It's just positive reinforcement. I am not very good at that. I can nag and pick at all the wrong doings, but it is harder for me to point out the good things without being prompted. I guess it's a classic case of "the squeaky wheel gets the oil".

My only concern is that my 9 year old will think it is lame. Several of the testimonies said they had some pre teens on board, just to get prizes, but they knew mom was really the fairy. All well and good, but how do you keep them from spoiling it for the youngsters? And as of yet he hasn't questioned Santa, at least to us, but I am wondering if this cheesy video work will make him see the light? I may try to do the notes and prizes, but not do the videos, that way they can use their imaginations...We shall see.

I hope to start a little later this week, after Valentine's Day. I already have some gifts for the kids for that.

And speaking of V-day, I don't get a date with hubby:(

I am helping with a youth fundraiser at our church. I am fixing the spaghetti dinner (hopefully with help) and the kids will serve about 15 couples. My hubby has very surprisingly offered to help in the nursery that night...I guess since I am not available, he figured on letting all the other couples stay together. What a sweetie!

(shhhhh....I do have a little late night surprise when we get home though) hehe

Boring daily musings

I guess, if anyone even pays attention, you may notice that I don't post often. It is not from lack of computer time. I guess mostly it is because I read some pretty great blogs, and they say all the things I want to say. And they say it better then I ever could. And so I find myself feeling a little inadequate to post about the same topics. I should still, journal my life, for my own sake. But I so enjoy reading about everyone else's goings on, that I end up short on time and energy for writing my own.

Oh and did I mention we are boring! LOL

I mean we have nothing going on right now. Well, that's not entirely true. We go to dance class, basketball practices and games, have piano lessons, grocery shop, read, play games... but that is everyday stuff and rarely seems to merit an entry.

Today I have decided I have put off the laundry long enough, and since I have no clean undies, I am sitting here in my robe washing load after load. It's funny how all the kids clothes get washed, and hubby has enough clothes to last a lifetime, so I don't have to wash his as often, but mine never get in the mix. I get down to wearing my pregnant underwear before I get around to washing mine. I mean, we also have towels, rags, diapers, sheets, blankets etc to wash, I know how mine gets put off. But really I should be on top of it.

I had a system for a while, each day of the week had a category. Like Monday-sheets, Tues- kids clothes, Wed- towels, Thurs-parents, Friday-extra stuff that was forgotten. That way I wouldn't have to do any on the weekends. And I work in the diapers when needed. I don't follow the system any more. I don't know why. It worked. But we are all getting lazy around here.

So starting today I am jumping back into the laundry system! I have my clothes in and will do hubby's today too. And I came to realize, that though I would like fresh clean sheets every week, washing 5 sets of bedding in one day doesn't happen. And so we will start to rotate Monday's. And then only wash each set every 3 weeks (boys bunk together the first Monday, Megan the second Monday, and ours the third. ) And maybe leave the fourth Monday for the guest bedding, though it rarely gets used unless the kids are playing in it, and I feel like I should re-wash it even if they have just been building forts with it.

Anyway, I am going to tackle the laundry yet!

And like I said, too boring to write about! hehe

Prosperity

Lindsey at Enjoy the Journey has a post up today about being prosperous and I commented there but also wanted to leave a blurb here too.

I used to think that I needed to be rich to feel blessed and happy. I like to shop, I want cool stuff but I shouldn't need that kind of prosperity to be truly happy. I have come to realize I am so blessed by being faithful to Jesus, knowing I am loved by Him and having a beautiful family, we are all healthy and we have food, shelter, clothes, fun...Who could ask for more.

But I understand the peace and joy and CONTENTMENT that comes through knowing a living savior who will provide for me what HE sees fit for me to have. I can't add any days to my life by worrying about things out of my control. We have seen so many times that as long as we are faithful, God will provide our needs. Times when we couldn't pay our bills, we'd get a random insurance reduction in the mail...God is good!

I was reading Job last night and God was asking Job who was he to question God's plan for him. Did Job create the world? Was Job there when God breathed life into Adam? Then who is he to question God's goal for his life? I feel like I too often question why we are going through something, financial struggle, church strife, rebellious children, my own doubt when it isn't my place to question WHY, only to ask Jesus for his guidance, perserverance and grace.

I want to try to be more of a person who is content with my circumstances no matter what they may be.

I have a post I am mulling around about grace as well...I will get to that later :)

Bible reading of the day

I posted earlier that I am reading through the Bible chronologically this year and today's reading is Job 6-9. I had some thoughts on yesterday's reading, but it is later then I should be up, so I may have to wait until tomorrow. We have the first half of this season's LOST recorded and have been watching them (again) the past few nights. Tonight we couldn't stop one from the end, so here we are at 11:48...YIKES!

Tomorrow is another day :)

2007 Reading list

So, I want to list the books I am reading so far this year as well as how far I have gotten with my chronological Bible reading .

First, I am reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. I am loving this book! Just re-defining my mission in life, and that it is ok to take "the road less traveled" even when the world is telling you otherwise.

Also, I just started reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. Again, can you see I am interested in learning to be the woman God intended me to be this year?

And I am in the process of becoming a La Leche League leader so I have multiple books being read for that...but I won't list them now unless someone wants to know :)

As for the Bible reading...I have read Genisis 1-3 (Jan1), Genisis 4-7 (Jan 2), and Genisis 8-11 (Jan 3). Today's reading is Job 1-5.

Oh hehe I almost forgot...I started The Innocent Man by John Grisham in December while on our trip and I haven't finished it yet. So I will count that on my 2007 list.

Happy Reading!

Five in a Row

I just learned about this unit study curriculum in December and have checked it out from the library to take a look at. I like the format a lot and love the thought of learning so much through simple picture books. I am still concerned because they have different curriculum for different age groups, and it doesn't really coincide. I like to teach the same subjects at the different levels for my 1st and 3rd grader. But I think my son could still benefit from the younger version and I will add in some of books geared for his age.

And so we will try this out starting Monday...I will let you know how it goes!

(I love that my library had this so I can try it for FREE!!! Wish they offered more curriculum to try as well)

Great ideas...

I have to say that my favorite blog to read these days is Enjoy the Journey . I am going to post some links here to some great things Lindsey is writing about there and copy her ideas for myself! :)

First, I didn't make any real New Year's resolutions. Lindsey gave me the idea to make more meaningful goals for my life and make them take a bit longer. I don't have my list ready...but I will post it when I do. I want my life to be more then a bunch of failed resolutions. I have goals and putting a year deadline is kind of strict I think. I don't want quick fixes, I want lifestyle changes, heart changes, permanent changes.

The other great list Lindsey has going is a list of books she is reading . I think it is a great idea. I have some great books I am working on and I would love to get ideas of what else people think is a good read.

So these are some new lists I will be working on. Along with that I am going to be reading through the bible this year with a link I found on A Gracious Home giving daily chronological bible readings.

I hope to post back about things I am learning.

The recovery period

We are back from our wintery travels and I have tons of things bouncing around my head to blog about...but for now I need to spend a few days washing clothes, unpacking and organizing. I will be back soon :)


Happy New Year!